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OMG I'm howling at these and not marking place

My dog is not only a rescue dog, it is a refugee.

I last had an alcoholic drink in 1996, and that was a pure moment of madness after I learned of my Double First in Fucking Everything.

I've been a size 8 since I was fourteen, about from during my two pregnancies, when to be honest I looked like I'd swallowed an olive whole.

I vomit involuntarily if I even hear the word 'leggings'.

My children write thank you cards if their great Aunt even thinks about them, and they often arrive before she's even finished the thought.

I told my husband about porn, and he simply didn't believe me, so I showed him some. He then lapsed into a coma, from which he only emerged after I sat by his bed reading to him from The Female Eunuch for a fortnight.

My 3 DS are 24, 17 and 13 and have never even noticed they have different genitals to females.

Little Araminta was able to provide worked examples to all of the Millenium Prize Problems at the age of 2yrs. As neither party wanted the adverse publicity that would ensue, we've instead done a trade on a lifetime supply of Pom bears for our silence.

We were going to maui on our holiday this year but the children couldn't bear the thought of the carbon footprint from our private jet. So instead we have decided to do some good with our money and just take the Bentley to Paris via euro tunnel. It was all the two year old's idea but the 3 month old is really looking forward to practising her third language.

It's going from bad to worse today. There is a report in the newspaper that our neighbor murdered her husband and stuffed his body up the inglenook chimney in their lounge. We're ruined. The house prices are going to suffer terribly. People will think that this is the kind of street where people say 'lounge'. It's very inconsiderate, I'll have to pen a letter to the editor.

I caught Tarquin packing a shiv to go back to boarding school with. The blade was sharpened flint, the handle was oak wrapped in aged leather. He'd bound it together in sticky tape.

I am so ashamed, I don't know where we've gone wrong with this child. I don't understand his choices. He knows we've a supply of reclaimed twine in the craft room. He knows it! He knows his knots too, thanks to a summer of yachting on the Med. I'm not sure what he imagined the other children would think when he tried to cut them with a sticky taped (not even branded sticky tape!!!) weapon. What was he thinking? I don't think he was thinking at all.

Llama slams down an three aces! She wins!

DC1 may not even be born yet, but I can tell that it's very advanced for its age.

I judge people by their children's names

It's served me well

this is hilarious.

DD is interning at the Fat Duck, even though she's vegan, mainly because she summers with the nice oligarch's children next door and they let her pad the bills. Meanwhile DW and are rewriting our wills to exclude our niece who was seen eating own-brand digestive biscuits in a non-ironic fashion recently. MIL continues to make a fair bit of noise, but we'll soundproof the coal cellar before her next visit.

Call 101 and get it logged.

I've just left my husband after he sighed when I put on Coronation Street
Can't be doing with controlling behaviour like that

I bottled fed my newborn full sugar coca cola and fruit shoots. My dc were weaned on pureed greggs sausage rolls !
Think I may have lost this game

My children have never eaten sugar or carbs. They exclusively eat avocado as a treat.

We take term time holidays, but they are educational. Our youngest can order a beer and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc in five languages.

Just the four for my youngest (Hittite, Sanskrit, Greek and Latin).

Our youngest usually orders the beer and Sauvignon to be delivered to the homeless people outside.

Only 75 meals!?
I'm still using a chicken from 1982.

We take term time holidays, but they are educational. Our youngest can order a beer and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc in five languages.

My cats are trained to only toilet in our garden. They don't even walk across anyone else's front lawn. They are the most well behaved cats in the neighbourhood.

My 10 year old has her A level exams starting next week. She could have taken them two years ago but I thought it was best to hold her back so she had time to socialise with her own age group. There's nothing better than seeing a group of 8 year old children playing lawn bowls together.

I banned my dd from speaking to a child at school because he lives in social housing

Quite, Bad, it's possible that he was also shot, so it's not his fault.

Tarquin obviously...

I've had a long discussion with Tarvin and Sybil about titles recently. Obviously, I'm quite pleased that they show such a keen interest into where the family titles come from but they're also very considerate and did not want to offend their little village private school chums who are only plain Miss or Master. Of course, they generally socialise with more appropriate colleagues but allowing them to sample the life of others is so enlightening.

And it's not as if they go to said school! No, that's why I completed my third PhD from Oxford whilst on maternity leave so I could fully instruct them. I do think it has paid off although Tarky is a little slow, bless him - obviously got his mother's brains! - and only completed his A levels when he was 12. Sybil is far more like her father and was 9. But we don't constrain them to the curriculum - they just happen to be fascinated by it.

My 5yo does not want to go to McDonalds, not so much because there is no Paleo option on the menu, but more because the Happy Meal toys are not wooden.