Mumsnet Top Trumps

My Dd (3) is the CEO of an international company and has been since birth. She founded the company herself.

My DH was truly horrified to hear of the penis beaker story; here we have butlers for that sort of thing. Why one would want to wash their own junk is beyond me. The horror!

I'm a black belt, triple gold star awarded player of Mornington Crescent. You heard it here first.

The person in front of me at the checkout in Waitrose bought a toilet brush.

Where the fuck am I going to shop now?

I dialed a wrong number once and apologised giving them my full entire medical history by means of apology! incase anyone has seen that bonkers thread

While I'm happy to debate broad social issues on my steam-powered wicker laptop, you would never catch me doing something as inane as discussing trivialities on a website such as, for example, Mumsnet.

The very name of the site makes me shudder. How sexist.

Apparently, there are threads about such inane things as clothes, makeup and something I've heard referred to as 'sleb twaddle'.

I've taken to spending at least three hours a day reading these so-called threads and posting on each and every one in order to point out what a complete waste of time reading and commenting on such pointless threads is.

I think that's a perfectly valid use of my time as a SAHM, now that my youngest has started a full-time job.

I hope you didn't pay the plumber in cash Daisy or he'll be pocketing it - better ring HMRC and notify them they should be expecting a payment form him.

I hope all the vegans on this thread aren't eating soy don't you know the cost to the rainforest?

We choose to live a positive ecological balance lifestyle (DS is such a sensitive soul and I know his heart aches for the world) and counteract each negative action with a greater positive. We only eat the thing we grow ourselves, the children particularly enjoy tending their own vegetable patches, and we plant a tree a week for each cm of land we destroy by farming it.

We also home school to avoid negative influences and to minimise the use of destructive products like paper. Children learn best from experiences.

It's such a shame that more people don't give back especially given it's actually cheaper than buying tat like televisions and duvets.

You eat in restaurants? How can you be sure that the staff have all had a bath in antiseptic before coming to work? You can't. That is why I only eat food prepared at home in my hermetically sealed kitchen. No one is allowed to enter it unless they are wearing a full hazmat suit and breathing gear, thus protecting us from raw chicken and protecting the raw chicken from us breathing on it. It's basic hygiene really.

You've been quoted nearly £2000 for a new boiler?!
We were only charged £15 for a top of the range model and 19 radiators - and the plumber threw in a free swimming pool as well.
He also decorated the whole house and re-roofed it, all in 2 days.

We're not in the south east though.

We had lunch in a restaurant yesterday and the children dropped some food on the floor.
Of course I had a broom and dustpan and brush with me and mopped the floor afterwards. Then I washed and dried the dishes and cleaned all the tables, it's only manners after all.

Am I being unreasonable to be deeply offended and want to make a complaint about a supermarket cashier who didn't ask if I wanted an extra bag? I am literally sobbing and shaking with rage. Thinking of calling 101, please can I have a hand hold?

Our dog isn't even a refugee, we went to Greece & hand picked her as her coat matches our colour scheme.
My DH is a brain surgeon who only uses solar panels to power his equipment.
DS has just left university at 12 and starts work on Monday at one of those large investment banks.
We have a domestic who cleans the house, and a laundry woman who comes three times a week to collect washing and does it at home, so I don't even have a washing line. We have a gardener , and a large swimming pool, a gym with one of those rowing machines, like Kevin Spacey has in House of Cards, plus a top of the Aga & no less than 5 dishwashers!

I would never go on holiday to a non-European country - I am blonde with blue eyes, I can't take the risk, people will constantly try to touch me.

I enjoy making derogatory and judgemental comments about anyone who wants to wear a swimsuit/dress rather than a revealing bikini - coz they must be fat right?

Or on the flipside...

DH and I earn 7k between us and we managed to privately educate all five of our children. People say they can't afford these things, but it's a case of priorities.

£70k? Well, no wonder you wear clothes that are 18 years old. Everyone knows that £70k is barely keeping your head above water. DH and I earn £800k between us and people just don't understand how difficult it is to survive on such a paltry amount.

I earn £70k but still wear clothes that I bough 18 years ago from a charity shop.

DS aged 3 has translated all of Shakespeare into five languages.

I had my front garden paved over and turned into parking spaces for parents on the school run.

I threw my husband out of the house yesterday. He popped a large spot before I had a chance to video it.

I give all neighbours within a half mile radius one week's notice, in writing, before I switch my hoover on, in case I disturb them. It's basic manners really.

I've trained my pet lion to eat only vegetarian food
People are frightened of him which is quite funny because he's actually as soft and gentle as a kitten
Well yes he did maul some of the neighbours but they ought to know not to look him in the eye like that

We sent the DCs to the nearest failing state school rather than going private so the other children can benefit from their advanced educational level. School dinners? Don't be silly! We prepare a clean-eating vegan lunch for them packed in organic wooden boxes that we picked up for a song from a blind beggar in Laos.

We went non contact with my PIL because they once tried to feed my children chicken that had been left on the kitchen counter for 28 seconds between being removed from the fridge and put in the oven. MIL was offended when I insisted that if we were to visit again she had to present a copy of her food hygiene certification. Older people just don't understand the risks of food poisoning and if they aren't willing to follow our rules, we can't have them in our lives.

We donate all gifts to the shoe box appeal.

You do know the shoebox appeal is run by fundamentalist American Christians who think homosexuality is Satanic and ditto Islam, and use the boxes as a proselytising tool, even in Catholic countries? We donate the DC's party present toys to Barnardos. I mean, I'm sure they are awfully grateful for them.

My refugee dog doesn't poo. I've trained it to pass little gift-wrapped parcels that double up as renewable fuel. I then distribute these as Winterval gifts.

It is trained to not only not acknowledge the presence of children, but will actually stop in its tracks if it senses the presence of anyone under the age of 16. It will then reverse back up the street into the house humming a soothing tune and maintaining eye-contact with said child so as not to elicit panic.

I have an advanced driving licence.

I never pull out of a side road unless I have checked each mirror thirty seven times, got out of the car, walked around it clockwise, then anti-clockwise, and shouted "Is anyone on their way?" both ways down the road through a loud hailer.

I always drive exactly five miles an hour under the speed limit, and never drive before Easter if I have a drink on Christmas day.

I park only on my own drive. If I'm going into town, I drive into the town centre, then home again, park in my own drive and then walk back. Having said that, I only park on my own drive once I've double checked that none of the neighbours wish to do so. I'm just that considerate.

I'm 65, with no wrinkles and a 23 inch waist, six pack and a thigh gap, never really exercised...just a gentle stroll a couple of times a week