Funniest bit of childbirth

I love this thread I've read it all over the last two days, my funny bits are;
With DD, I just finished a contraction and mw left the room, DH said can I try the g&a so I gave it to him just as another contraction started, I tried to take it back but just smacked him in the face with the mouthpiece giving him a nice fat lip.
With DS, we arrived at hospital and DH said should I get a wheelchair, I said no thanks, I'd like to walk before I lose all my dignity. Suddenly I'm on the floor crawling around in the foyer saying, I don't give a f* who see's me I'm having a contraction!
10 minutes later DH was helping me get changed and on to the bed while mw leisurely asks questions and fills in forms, asks if I want gas and air which I did so she goes off for ages to get it, I'm sucking on the mouthpiece saying it's not working like it did last time and she said that is because you are close to having your baby, let's do an internal, she looks panicked says you're 10 cm and the trolley isn't ready, runs out the door shouting for help while I'm asking DH should I push? (like he'd know) thankfully not much happened because I needed an episiotomy but I was there less than an hour before he was born and I was all stitched up

End of a very long induction for #3.

Doctor had decided to take a sample from baby's head to check oxygen levels. I was 6cm at this point. They put my feet up in stirrups and she went in with all her bits of metal and was rummaging around. Suddenly I have to push (so 6-10cm in a matter of minutes), and I start screaming at her to 'get out of me, because the baby is coming now'. She told me to hang on a minute, at which I screamed again that she was in the way of the baby, I was DONE being in labour, and that I was going to push whether she wanted me to or not. She then obligingly got out of my vagina and let the baby be born:)

I had a really long labour with DD and probably a poor choice of birthing partner in my mother. She managed to drop a cannister of gas and air on my foot mid contraction which I only clocked afterwards when I found a mysteriously swollen, blue foot post labour and she confessed.

I had opted for a home birth and had a pool ready. The only thing was we'd never actually filled it with hot water and our tank didn't have anything like enough water to do the job. Cue birthing partner and mum running across the road to get the neighbours to put their kettles on to fill the pool and lots of sniggers from the MW.

The first time it happened wasn't so funny, the second time was amusing - now, with hindsight it makes me giggle!

Dd 1; after a couple of hours "I can't take it, I have to come in" "no dear (complete with implied pat on the head) take some paracetamol and we'll see you tomorrow" 1 hr later we were there "I really need pain relief" "look we'll bring you in and take a look but we're busy so you'll have to wait" 30 minutes later "dp buzz them, I need to push" mw arrives, sighs, rolls eyes, tutts. Lifts sheet, turns puce, yells "press the red button" and catches dd (and most of the waters )

Dd2; ^^ exactly the same only much quicker, right down to the "press the red button" screech!

You'd think they'd give me some credit seeing as it was my second and my notes said PRECIPITATE all over them in red! The look on their face still tickles me now, many years later. In fact I meet the assisting mw a few years ago (I work there niw). She actually remembered me, apparently mw1 was known as a bit of a dragon and it had pleased everyone when she emerged dripping and somewhat embarrassed!

The midwives had quite a chortle at the point when I was bellowing at the top of my voice: "THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FUCKING HYPNOBIRTHING VIDEOS" (I, however, was not finding things quite so amusing....)

Proper laughing at some of these. After being induced for baby 3 at 9am, contractions started mildly around the 3pm mark. Coming strong and fast by midnight. Down to delivery to be told only 3cm. 3fuckin cm ffs. Felt like my insides were escaping apparently through hole size of a pea shooter. Baby came at 5am and dp stayed until 7 where he then announced how tired and exhausted he was after having a baby and was off home for well earned sleep. Me on the other hand was stuck waiting around until 9 to get up to the ward. We sure get the raw deal lmao
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#1 I was having extremely bad contractions and the MWs decided to put me in the birthing pool. I had to walk past a group of rosy faced expectant mums who were being shown around the health centre. I was screaming GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY like a mad woman. I think about half of them started panicking that second about their labours.

DC3 XH was at home (he's have been next to useless anyway) so it was just me and the MW. She asked if a student doctor could attend as it was his first birth. He sat all evening telling me how amazing and brave I was through teary eyes. He kept on and on. When he nipped out to the loo I begged the MW to tell him to shut the fuck up. She laughed.

Just sat and cackled at a lot of your stories, and as my first post I would like to add my own! Baby was struggling due to meconium causing lack of oxygen for her, and causing my blood pressure to bottom out therefore I was rushed in for an emergency C by a massively panicked team (who went in the wrong entrance to the delivery suite, so I was trapped on the bed with a screaming consultant and anaesthetist who was trying to top up my epidural!) they laid me flat which caused me to puke everywhere, I then almost fell of the table! Anyway, they had propped my head up causing massive pain in my neck, I then started trying to bribe the anaesthetist to give me an epidural in my neck because of the pain, offering money and kisses as a reward! Occasionally shouting am I dying, it feels like I'm dying (which, to be fair I was , talk about gallows humour!) then asked my best mate the anaesthetist to put in a good word to get me my own room as I didn't want to be without my partner. Then when they told us it was a girl I asked them to check about 4 times as I was sure it was a boy and they had got it wrong! I must have said more (but can't remember for obvious reasons!) as one of the midwives came up to me and said that it was the funniest time she had ever had in c-section! Good to know someone was having fun haha

During my second labour MWs asked if had any names lined up for baby girl.
DH: We have a list but waiting to choose. We like to see the face (why he chose this way of saying we want to see what she looks like first I'll never know!)
Student MW (with a totally straight face): Cedarface, that's intetesting.
Me: No, he means we haven't decided yet because we want to see what she looks like.

Later the student MW gave us a card thanking us for letting her deliver the baby and as we hadn't settled on the name it was written out to BendyMum, BendyDad and Cedarface!

When I was 37+6 I told DP that if he didn't get up in the morning for work (annoying alarms) I would tell him my waters had broken. At 4am they actually did break and he didn't believe me until I stood up and almost flooded our bedroom. I waddled straight to the shower with a mirror to erm, de-bush whilst he cleaned the kitchen.

On the day assessment ward and the midwife told me that I was not in bad pain, I almost punched her.

Absolutely off my tits on G&A I was floating around the in the BP, sleeping in between contractions. I hadn't spoke for a good twenty minutes when all of a sudden I lift my head up and say '' oh its just like NCIS you know when Gibbs zzzzzzzzzzzzz''

Whilst pushing DP called me a good girl after a mammoth push, I spent the next five minutes repeating 'jellies a good girl'

During the last ten minutes of pushing I was completely silent before screaming 'it burns' and returning to silence.

As soon as DS was born I asked the midwife if I had done a poo, she said no and I told DP to pay up the five pounds he owes me because I won the bet.

I was just handing the MW back my G&A tube when she told me she was going to put her finger in my bum. I grabbed the tube back and carried on chugging.

Just realised as well. My DH very nearly missed DS being born. We had been in all night on maternity ward contracting and he went out to get us coffees and pastries as it didn't seem to be happening. He literally walked back into the ward to see me being hauled into a wheelchair and rushed to delivery suite.
They ran me through the hospital, into delivery, delivered baby and our coffees were still warm
We found this surprisingly funny!

From DD - had diamorphine to speed things along and try to sleep abit (after 50 hours contracting at home to only 3cm!!) and was using G&A with contractions. Started reciting Spider-Man (the film) in great detail to my husband!! And apparently I was Spider-Man in the story!

DS - again, diamorphine and G&A. Decided I was the star from twinkle twinkle. Lay there singing the tune and 'shining' at everyone (no idea but I was certain I was shiny).

Also, crazy thing to have happened:
My midwife who delivered DD also delivered DS!!
She was a 3rd yr student when dd was born and I just loved her. And when we went in to have DS she was a fully qualified midwife - didn't recognise us but that's hardly surprising! But I was just like 'oh my god! You delivered my daughter!!
Maybe not funny but definitely cool!

Pmsl at some of these!
My dd was born in April and when she was put on my stomach right after the birth the first thing I said was "She looks like an angry gnome!" bless her heart lol.
Also when my mum was in labour with her dd3 (my little sister) the midwives were watching Supermarket Sweep in her room. So Dale Winton was probably the first thing my sister saw!

I love this thread. I've just read it all in one go.
It's funny to think of how old everyone's babies are now, it was years ago when this thread was started and long may it continue!

When a dozen workmen in bright orange high-vis jackets walked past the window just as a contraction came to an end

With DS we got 'evicted' off the antinatal ward during an induction. After 12hours of strong contractions back to back, it got to 4am and the screaming and swearing got too much for the other ladies on the ward. Despite being 0cms and not even in labour, they bundled me up in a blanket and sent us across to delivery. Poor DH apologised to everyone on his way out, and turning to the lady who was opposite is said ' that's not going to do your blood pressure any good is it?'

Looking back it was quite funny

After the docs sewed up my c-section, I piped up with "does everybody know where their watches are?"

I'd like to say it was the drugs talking, but the truth is I have a sick sense of humour. and was probably channeling House

I've come back to this thread now DC2 has been born.

This was my second induction and it didn't go entirely to plan - too fast, too slow, not responding to drugs etc etc.

After 8 hours they decided to break my waters as the morphine I'd begged for combined with the drug they gave me to slow my hyper-contracting had led to everything slowing down enough that I could hold conversations. In walks a lovely Nigerian registrar who makes a joke about not being able to swim. In my drug induced haze I told him how funny, I've a friend from Lagos and he can't swim either! Fortunately lovely Dr was lovely and didn't get offended.

I did enjoy the moment DH walked into the room having been called in at 5am and asked me 'how are you?' upon getting no response as I was busy with the entonox he asked 'is it sore?'

I insisted that every time I stopped pushing I could feel the baby going all the way back up.

As I hit transistion like a train DH and the MW were having a nice chat about a mutual friend. I just about managed to splutter out 'I really think the baby's coming now' before my 16min second stage began in earnest.

During my 2nd child's birth the midwife said she saw the head crowning, and told me to push really hard on my next contraction, well my daughters head was not crowning she was hung up on the umbilical cord like a sling , it was not around her neck it came up from her belly in front of one shoulder, went over the back of her neck and then down under her armpit , not aware of this I pushed really Really hard, the baby came as far as possible then stopped but the bag of waters got pushed past her, I have one more mighty heave and the bag of waters EXPLODED all over the midwife, the nurse and the wall behind them, my husband gasped in horror, the nurse just stood there with all this muck dripping off her and the midwife, a veteran trooper, she dove in unhooked the baby and delivered the shoulders, I was heaving, pushing and laughing so much I actually did shit myself.

Just finished reading all of these.. they are brilliant :)

DS1... I can't really remember anything apart from the midwives thought he was stuck so went to prepare for forceps, the minute they had walked across the room he shot out across the bed. I remember looking down and thinking 'oh my god... there's a baby there... where did that come from?'

DD... I had asked for an epidural and the anaesthetist and midwife were trying to do it (it was unsuccessful in the end due to my weird back) but I could hear them talking and one of them said '... its actually the first time i've done one of these' I said to DH (I thought i had whispered but apparently not) 'omg.... which one said that?' ( I later felt awful because it sounded really rude). Luckily it was the midwife who said it... not the anaesthetist..... DH said anaesthetist was chuckling... midwife wasn't (think she had her sense of humour surgically removed actually) ... Oh and as soon as I had DD... she stuck a dish under my face with the placenta in and said 'want to have a look?' I threw up :)

DS2 ... midwife suggested I use a birthing ball... as I hadn't used one before... I sat down on it and it flew out from between my legs and I ended up falling backwards onto the floor... DH couldn't help me up straight away because he was laughing too much (git also sat eating a chip butty..... I did managed to steal a few when the midwife went out of the room though).

Marching out of the house to the ambulance in bare feet.

After taking the first gulp on G&A at home and sinking to the floor in relief (DS was back to back and arriving v quickly), the paramedic saying 'Are you sure you can't get in the car, you'll be hours yet'. Turns out I was in transition and had DS 30 minutes later.

Being off my face on G&A, realising the midwife was called Ursula and having to fight the urge to tell her that she was a sea witch (a la The Little Mermaid).

Arriving on delivery to be told DS was most of the way out and saying 'Let's get on with it then'(I was booked for an ELCS but DS had other ideas).

Me to DH: "get this f*ing thames machine off of me, it's shit

I remember having the pessary in as part of being induced. All was fine one min, then all of a sudden wham! Incessant and excruciating contractions started - every two minutes ! Relentless agony... By the fourth or fifth one I had ripped all the monitor stuff off of me and ran to the toilet as i seriously thought I was going to vomit/piss/shit myself in pain! Awful! (But rather funny in hindsight )

I was going into labour at home with DS and had the show coming out into my knickers. Tried to get to the loo but our cat came in with a HUGE dead rat, first and only time, and laid it at my feet so I ended up holding the rat by the tail with one hand and my big contracting belly with the other and throwing the rat out of the front door. Maybe the cat was trying to help?

DP had made a quick trip out to the supermarket while this was happening. He was away for what seemed like ages and when he arrived back had bought a magazine for what he thought would be the long slow boring haul ahead. Ended up being a full on intense labour with no reading opportunities for the next ten or so hours I shat myself unashamedly in the pool in front of birth partners, DP and the MW, no one seemed too worried and I was past caring. I cared the next day when an uncle whom I rarely see insisted on visiting and copped a lovely eyeful of bloody, pooey pool water in the lounge cos we hadn't had a chance to take it down

During labour DS got stuck and no amount of bone crushing pushes from me would shift him. Transfer to hospital... The ambulance arrives at our house and two ambulance guys are in the lounge, standing around taking their time, introducing themselves to me, while I'm hunched groaning and heaving on the floor. I thought I don't give a shit what your names are get me in the fucking ambulance! But evidently didn't say it out loud...

Our neighbour thought his flatmate was having loud crazy sex that night but it was me being half carried groaning and neighing down our driveway to the ambulance