Funniest bit of childbirth

telling the disbeliveing midwife that 30 minutes after 1 pessary (sp) I was contracting every 2 minutes and lasting a minute.

Then seeing the look on the face of other women in the ward who had been there days - some with 4th or 5th PG (only my 2nd) as I waddled panted and groped my way down to the labour ward because no wheelchairs were available!

Kicking the consultant hard round the head when he cut me for episotomy...TWICE

This is my first post - so I thought I'd start with something funny, rather than sharing my angst already!

As I was vomitting recently gobbled chocolate and begging for an epidural DH decided to take my mind of it by putting the little paper cup my anti-emetics had arrived in on my head and saying 'nice hat'.

Amazingly that was the only time I swore ...

After delivering ds1 by cs the mws took him away to weigh him and all I remember is a mw shouting "Shit a brick, he's 11lb 11oz"
Dh says, (though I cant remember!)I was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

In transition, DP was telling jokes and saying "you ok love?" repeatedly, so I turned my head slowly, Exorcist style, and did my best evil glare/gritted teeth/"posh voice ending in demonic threat" - I said "actually, I wish you'd all just SHUT THE F*K UP so I can concentrate on pushing!". He also pinched the hand grips that they give you to push yourself up on the bed with and pretended he was plastering the wall with them, with his a*e hanging out builder style - just as the mw's/doctors walked in the room. We have pictures of this which I have threatened to show round.
Also sat there with epidural reading a magazine and mw said "god, that was a huge contraction showing on the machine then, y'alright love?" I just looked at her and said "what contraction??" Thought she was mad as I didn't feel a thing - until it wore off of course...

asked DH if I did anything else funny when on G&A .. he said not particularly ... but he did find it funny when MW turned OFF the tank supply and didn't tell me and I thought the gulps of plain ol' room air were magic

oh ... and he was in charge of the tens machine and only JUST confessed (dd is 17 weeks) that he never revved it beyond first level (there were 5) cos he couldnt figure out how to ...

These have really made me laugh...........
This wasn't funny at the time, but I find it hilarious now (though dh doesn't!)
For dd2, we'd decided on a home birth. I was adamant that we didn't need to call the midwife just yet (in that rational woman-in-labour type of way) and so let dh get on with putting dd1 to bed & blowing up the pool whilst I sounded like a wounded animal & hoping that the neighbours wouldn't call the RSPCA.
Suddenly things got much harder (was in transition but positively refused to believe I was). DH came to ask if he could help and I asked him to help me breathe. After a minute I asked what he was doing as in my opinion he'd done nothing (apart from get me in this state!). He said that he was breathing - didn't realise that I wanted him to count so that I could concentrate on MY breathing.....thankfully the doula arrived about a minute later!!!

Oh and watching DH struggling back from the car park after delivering me to the delivery suite. My room overlooked the car park which was at the top of a hill. DH was loaded up with my hospital bag, baby bag, food supplys, stereo and birthing ball.Suddenly mid contraction I see DH lose control of the ball and it boings down the hill and he launches after it, bags in tow. PMSL so much that I puked and lost my mucous plug all at the same time.

Am loving this thread.

Saying to the midwife in the delivery suite during the transition stage "Can you stop this please.......I want to go home now!".

I had a pretty quick first labour -- 6h, only G&A no tearing etc. Textbook stuff.

Think I may have been in pre-labour day before but ignored it -- for some reason I just needed to listen to Jesus Christ Superstar Rock Gospel VVVVV loud and scrub glass.

In middle of one contraction I was leaning on a window sill and realised I had missed a bit the day before ... and went to get cleaning cloth. DH just thought I was a nutcase.

Once in the hospital at 9cm dilated the midwife was having a shufty and a contraction started .. she said she was going to move out of the way and I clamped her head in between my legs and wouldn't let go ... I thought she said she was going to leave and I didn't want her to! She just smiled and said, 'ok I'll stay exactly here then'. Nice view

missd - pmsl that is so funny

have pmsl at all of these. I've just had dd3, she's 7 weeks old now. She was born at home and deleivered by dh and my mum.
I knew the midwife was on the way but i also knew I had to push the baby out NOW. The most surreal moment was when my mum came into the lounge, after me screaming "This effimg babies coming out now" she turns round to dh and shouts, " Well for gods sake get her knickers off!"
Not something I ever thought I'd hear.

the funniest bit for me was when i pushed my waters out, (as they didn't break) was seeing my sisters face as she walked round to the other side of me legs akimbo and she looked down was hard laughing and trying to push at the same time!

The midwife and doctor leaving the room with me up in the stirrups as the colour drained from my friends face on the off chance I managed to heave DS out, when the end of the bed had been removed.
She looked at me as if to say 'I don't have to go down there do I?'

I am laughing soooooooooooooooooo much! Nothing funny happened when DD was born as it all went a bit wrong, but agree that G&A is the most fantastic thing EVER! Maybe I'll do it again just for that ...

My midwife suggested I just suck on the gas and air when I was having a contraction! I was only 3 cms dilated!! That was my second tank!!

Have been reading these stories and pmsl, especially BellaWilliams post further down;

"Yes, the smell was me, having shat the bed."

OMG tears were pouring down my face at your story Bella, I couldn't tell dh for laughing so much!

My laughter eased off somewhat when I said to dh, 'haha, these stories are so funny! And I didn't say anything mad when I was on the g&h did I?!'

Silence and smirk from dh.

Me; 'What? What!'

dh; Well, it was quite funny when you said to me near the end "You've done this to me, you and your big d*ck..."

Me;

Apparently the midwife just carried on writing her notes with her back to us!

Dh walked round with his chest puffed out for a while after!

When I was in labour with dd1, the midwife said "this is going very well, do you mind if we video you?"

I'd like to be able to say my answer was unprintable but in fact it was just a loud emphatic "NO!"

After my caesarian another mum was talking about having the injection in your bum i didnt? well i had but i knew nothing of it

Being stiched up after my dd3, that's when i really need the gas and air. the doctor was teaching the midwife how to do this. Oh, do you use blanket stich she said? no, not there, said he, ouch, said me

After ds1 was born I was bleeding quite a lot and the mw was trying to take a look - aided by an anglepoise lamp with a floppy spring - so it kept dropping down.
dh lent a hand - holding lamp pointing at my fanjo.
Then suddenly 2 great big blobs of blood came flying out across the room - whizzed past both of them and splatted on the wall like something out of the Fast Show.
I can remember thinking... 'That would be really funny if it wasn't my blood...'
Luckily I lived to tell the tale

Message withdrawn

me and anaesthetist chatting about the Nordic influence on the high numbers of redheads in the North. DH gabbing to the nurse about new drugs.

Surgeon pops his head over the screen and says (a bit miffed): 'is anyone interested in this baby being born?'

Oops, second child syndrome

The bit when the MW didn't believe I was in proper labour. I was still in ante-natal as I was induced. Then after I nagged, she checked me and I was 9.5cm. Had to get in the lift and go down to the delivery suite - LIKE, NOW! - down 3 floors, people getting in and out of the lift as I had rapid contractions and increasing urge to push. Doing the standing-up-hip-rotating dance to make myself feel better and smiling and nodding at people as they came in and out - like I was some kind of sweating gurning hospital hostess. And me in my nightie for goodness sake!

I had never pushed so hard in my life. Then all the dials on the equipment went fuzzy and I started to lose my vision. I'd obviously blown the blood vessels in my eyeballs and was going blind. The prospect of never seeing my loved ones again flashed before me. Then my glasses de-misted.