Funniest bit of childbirth

Being asked by the midwife to stop screaming as it was scaring the other women in the ward.
This was mid push and I apparently shouted 'it's fucking worse than you can ever imagine, you'll see, you cows' DH burst out laughing, as did I, I then took a huge gasp of G&A and shouted 'I'm dead street me, don't mess with me' and the midwife looked horrified. This is so out of character it's untrue.

Then the midwife asked for clothes for the baby and DH rooted through the three massive and totally untouched bags we'd brought, full of crap like face spray, mp3 player, energy sweets, slippers and books, ffs, books! To find we'd not even brought the bag of baby things.

At my sisters birth her DS was breech, so a consultant was called into the room. She'd just been given Pethidine and as he peered up her fanjo she looked down and said is that your face or a mirror? I cried with laughter as the doctor really did have a 'bum face'. Have you seen the south park with the boy with an arse for a head? We were both crying hysterically and couldn't stop. they must have thought we were psychos.

In middle of labour asked hubby for a pot noodle NOW, then demanded he pick out ALL the peas, then ignored it and ate HIS sandwich instead! (he hates pot noodles and normally so do I)

With DS2 I was whisked into theatre having pushed very stuck baby for two hours and was met by - well, very attractive anaesthetist who was clearly having a major flirt with the nurse behind my head. He asked her to "give this a squeeze", and then swiftly jumped up in the air saying "the gel tube, not my arse!" Well, it made me laugh and took my mind off things for a moment anyway.

Told MW that I needed to go toilet, she said no, thats the baby's head, I said NO .. I REALLY need to go toilet. She didn't belive me till 5 mins later and the evidence was there for everyone to see..never been so embarrased!

In theatre, dp was dressed in scrubs,(I missed him geting changed as was so tired and in so much pain,) I thought he was a doctor, when she sat down next to me, I remember thinking haven't you got a job to do, shouldn't you be doing somethng? When he held my hand I snatched it back! Wasn't till he spoke I realised who he was!

Surgeon introduced himself and I grabbed his hand, in between contractions, and begged him .. NO MORE PAIN, PLEASE NO MORE PAIN! I didn't realise I should have been saying this to the antheseloigist (sp). The doctor looked mortified!

Looking back now I suppose it was quite funny that during my 12 hour labour with DS my DH complained, in all seriousness, that his feet were hurting as he had been standing up for so long!
Strangely enough could not see the funny side at the time!

I love this thread!

You guys have had me in tears laughing, this is the greatest thread to read just before childbirth! Hilarious!

LOL!@vacaloca!!!!!

I was drinking water from a sports bottle all throughout the labour. While I was having my stitches done, with my eyes closed, I asked someone to pass me some water. A new midwife had come into the room and passed me a glass of water, but because I had my eyes closed, I assumed it was the bottle and just tipped it right over my face. It was freezing cold and it certainly woke me up from the g&a stupor. Luckily I found this hilarious but the mw was mortified.

The funniest bit was when my midwife said to my husband ," you live in * don't you" and he went very pale.
I asked when she left the room what that was about and he had to admit she was an ex gf . I still wind him up about it now

Me after trying g&a for the first time "This is rubbish, its not working" half an hour later you couldn't have prised it out of my hands!

The trainee DR who stood too close in order to see everything got soaked, head to toe when my waters bloke.

I also did many toxic farts.

Bit a midwifes hand as my DH was to busy blubbing to see me reach out to him, the midwife gave me her hand to hold and I didn't want it!

The look I gave the (male) trainee doctor when he told me that he knew exactly how I felt.

Dd1's head was out, after being dragged out with forceps, the rest of her body still inside and he told me he knew what I was going through.

Whispering to one birth supporter whilst on the verge of tears "Oh, ***, I've shit in the bath."

Her trying to reassure and placate me saying "It's fine love, it's alright, it happens..." whilst gesturing subtly to another friend for loo roll to remove offending object.

....and me, raising above the edge of the bath, nose to nose with her then screaming mid contraction "No it isn't!! It's faaahking disguuuuustiiiing!!"

At the top of my voice.

Daft thing is, it really was a minute amount and given that I gave birth mere minutes after, If I hadn't bellowed about it no one would have been any the wiser.... as it was, not only everyone in the house but half my street heard!

sorry that was meant to read "no - I want DRUGS" not "no drugs"

After 20 hours of labour with DS1 finally gave in and asked the midwife "what can I have" and she said "I can make you a nice cup of tea or some toast" and me screaming "no DRUGS" - DH giggled at this having never seen me like that!

Oh, another one
I was birthing partner for one of my best friends as her Dh was squeamish. It was December and quite mild outside, but the birthing suites heating was on very high, no windows open, me in winter clothes...very, very hot...pass out almost landing face first in her fanjo...

When having Ds, I was intending to have him in a water pool, but he got stuck, so I had to go into theatre. Lying on the bed by the door loudly saying " Nooo, Nooo, Nooo" repeatedly. MW says " solo, why do you keep saying 'nooo'"? say's me..." Because it's the politest thing I can think of...Nooo"
Also, in same position by door, no clothes or covers on, legs wide open(always gets me into trouble), someone opens the door just as some visitors to another new mummy are walking past. Of course, they did have to have a look!

With Dd. Dp was lovely and making me laugh etc, blowing up surgical gloves and batting them around the room. He then decides to bounce the birthing ball, over and over again. I'm having massive contractions at this point and MW is refusing to let me get into the pool because she is trying to get a trace beforehand! I say to Dp in a very stern voice " Will you stop bouncing that bloody ball". He did.
Once in the pool, a second midwife decides to tell me that I'll feel like I need a big poo...so...the G&A is obviously causing me some weirdy reactions because then all I can say is " I need a poo" over and over. Then, just as Dd's head is about to be born and I'm between contractions, I say jokingly " I just had the words 'give me an epidural' run through my mind". MW says, " Well, I'm glad they kept running..."
Was all very funny really.

I found Thomcat's vaulting into the birthing pool the funniest thing.

I was at another birth where the mum really quietly and politely said "I want a f*cking epidural now please"! Well... it made me laugh!

dh can't stand the sight of blood or needles bless him, needless to say I ended up having an epidural...I told him to leave, anathestist told him to leave,..dh, trying to be the big man (he is,...very...6'5) he stayed. in went the needle,..out went dh, literally,...toppled like a skittle and crashed to the floor,..there's me trying not to laugh (nerves I think) anathetist(no idea how to spell it btw) swearing like a trooper..graps hold of dh by the foot, muttering fucking dh etc drags him out of the room!
birth of ds2,...dh decides we're going at the very last minute in the hope of avoiding another epidural...was given oxytocin pessary and came home. In and out of labour ward nothing much happening so by morning I'm only a couple of centimetres...go home again. by afternoon, I say time to go back to hospital.No says dh, can't be time yet, I'll just make some pasta..right...1 hour later...dh time to go...nooooo, not yet, I'll just have a shower....1/2 hour later....dh...I NEED to go to the hospital...Noooooooo, he goes, lets go for a walk...I get outside.. turn to dh and at the the top of my voice shout TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL NOW YOU IDIOT!!!! everyone,and I mean everyone in the street came out to see me sweating like a pig on my hands and knees trying to get into the car...

After having been in labour for about 4 hours, the MW said 'Well, you'll get to see your baby at the end of this at least' - I remember thinking 'Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that'. I was just too busy working my way through my contractions and had genuinely forgotten why I was there.

Whilst under influence of gas and air with dd1 having to desperately bite my tongue to stop myself saying "So I suppose a f*ck's out of the question?" to GEORGEOUS aneathsatist . Not in my character at all, I swear!

With DD2, an hour after discovering I had gone from 3-7cm in 2 hours, I started telling the MW i needed to push, so, without even looking, she said
'No you don't, don't be silly you'll wear yourself out'
At which point I turned to DH and announced that I wasn't talking to her anymore, as she was a bitch.
I pushed anyway and burst my waters

MW - As you've probably realised your waters have just broken
Me - No f*cking shit, Sherlock

She handed me over to another MW about 5 minutes later

Then I was giving DD2 skin to skin and feeding her off left breast the (new) MW suggested I swap sides as my arm had gone to sleep, at which point we lifted the towel to discover my boob, side and legs on that side completely covered in meconium...and it's a bugger to get off!

am embarassed to even write this but....somwhere around 5cm, was heavy on gas and air and initiated bizarre conversations with the midwife. the most bizarre was after telling me he had two dogs and they were like his children, i responded 'oh yeah, well did you have to shoot your children out your ass like I am about to do'?? (reference to the fact that there was a lot of pressure on my um, bottom). unbelievable. dh was mortified and i had to apologize profusely after the whole thing was over!

for some reason, dh managed to take his phone in to the theatre for my cs, as they were making the first incision he got a text from my sister saying "hurry up my dd wants to buy a card but we don't know what type to get yet"

Dh was told to turn his phone off, by an anaesthetist who was texting all the way through the cs.