Funniest bit of childbirth

Ah I do love this thread so much. I started it under my first username (bless) when I was a newbie to Mumsnet.

DH's do tend to say some funny stuff just after childbirth though. My fave was DH who said of our daughter 'so how many weeks till her eyes open'

I'm sure he thought she was a kitten!

I have to say that because of the house of horrors that DS's birth turned into (eventual forceps delivery, horrible tear from which I bled about 2 L - transfusion, special care unit for me, etc etc...) I couldn't get out of bed when DS first needed to be changed. So DH had to do it. It was that first meconium poo, so tarry black and sticky. I don't know HOW many wipes he used... wipe after wipe after wipe... but he did manage it, even if his hands were shaking after. I think it was good that he did the first awful change because subsequent diaper changes were less scary for him. Until DS started on fruit and yoghurt... then he had more trouble, LOL!

Ha PMSL soooo much, this thread is great!!!

Not any funny stories of labour....had a horrible time of it but reading through did remember something slightly funny.......
Me DP and dd all in commual room waiting for the peadiatric doctor to discharge dd, I had c-section so was very slowly getting myself together along with hoards of presents, asked DP to undress dd as the paediatric doctor had arrived.......

DP 'what do i do?'
ME 'just take everything off of, her nappy too'

DP 'OH MY GOD shes POOING, oh my god, oh my god, help, what do i do?'

ME 'just lift her up and put her on my bed'

DP 'oh my god, now shes weeing, help....i cant do this!'

Me lauging lots by now but in soo much pain too!!! He tried his best!

I don't have anything funny to add (Jackbaby's birth was a horror show) but have been PMSL at these... and have had the occasional moment of naughty hilarity wishing that some of these had happened to my midwife or the cow of an OB I had... like being showered in waters, poo, or falling off a stool... not very Christmassy, I know, but the image (even if made-up) is soooooo satisfying!!

Yeah I think this is a great thread can't wait to add my story in here. (I Hope I am due on March so will be reading a lot till then )

He he! Please can we have some more?

this is a great thread. I will be re-reading it in April when I'm crapping myself about this baby coming!

with DD it was when the biggest scariest looking doctor came and told me she was going to examine me.

I was slightly high on gas and air and her hands looked huge to me... I said ' you can't put those up me...you'll hurt me...' She replied ' honey, you're worried about this hand when you're going to give birth to a whole baby?' My mum and sister were pissing themselves laughing. I just scowled and said 'don't call me honey....'

The other thing was when I told my sister that the gas and air was 'gooooooood shit...' and promptly fell off the chair......

Oh good times.....

A few from DD1...

Having stripped off all my clothes as i couldn't bare anything touching my skin and staying like that for the whole labour....except my socks.

Realising a week later that i had been leaning out over the windowsill in the room to get some fresh air...the window was directly above the glass roofed conservatory dining room for the main hospital - nice view of my boobs dangling from 2 storeys up.

Overdoing the gas and air so that everyone turned into characters from the old-style advert for kia-ora - the one with the black birds and african women...exclaiming to DH that 'everyones gone black'.

Again too much gas and air - refusing to believe that DD had been born...asking him to check up my fanjo to see if she was really out.

i farted!!! not just a little one either!! a full blown man fart that stunk the place out !!! lol

Was a bit trippy on all the pain relief and said to dh "please stop sprinkling anchovies on the lawn" in a very disapproving tone. Also alleged that I could see his car through a brick wall (with my x-ray vision...)

My funniest bit was exH face when, after 20 mins of puffing cheeks, a bit of panting and contracting every 5 mins or so I called "H take my trousers off the baby is here" He did catch her but only just (this was an unassisted HB and exH first child, the mw was most impressed )

right before i pushed out ds i had a poo and it stank! i was sat there saying 'omg i had a poo infront of a stranger' the mw was lovely though.
when he was crowning my mantra to stop myself from screaming was 'that smarts, that smarts'!! it worked as well.
i had a home birth as well and the tv was on, i was watching hollyoaks between contractions, coz it was the episode with niall in the church and i didn't want to miss it

On all fours screaming through a contraction in the car, on the way to the hospital in early morning traffic with other cars and passengers right next us - including stupid white van drivers who were staring at me!

Once at the hospital stupid dh parked the car on a main road near the hospital first and THEN left me and ran to get a wheelchair! Broad daylight me screaming f f f*! in the car on my own whilst mothers were walking their children to school.

Finally through main hospital entrance being pushed by dh in wheel chair and me telling everyone and anyone to f* off and don't come near me! Including sweet old man and lady! Still feel a bit bad about that...

when the consultant, on needing a lower seat, shouted "stool" to the midwife and dp thought i had sh*t myself.

After losing the plot with the Community MW at 41+6, I was booked in to be induced. Taken into Labour Ward to be assessed. I had a birth plan with I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE AN EPIDURAL at the top and all sorts of other rubbish on it - grand plans for a natural birth (hollow laugh). Left in the room with DH for a couple of hours MW came in with gel:

MW: Oh we won't be needing this then
Me: Why not?
DH: You are in labour - those pains aren't nerves, they are contractions!
Me (in total surprise): Am I?!
Cue giggles from DH and MW

12 hours later at 2am, me high on G&A, bouncing on birthing ball with The Jam blasting in my ears, saying "this is easy - I can do this!" 20 minutes later:

MW: You are 2 cms
Me: What!
MW: 2 cms
Me: More drugs please

8am, MW check:

MW: Well done, 3 cms
Me: Is that all? Now what?
MW: I'll speak to the doctor
Me: I'll have an epidural now please

I got my epidural (and a drip to move things along) at about 8.30am and promptly went to sleep. My lovely MW woke me up at 1pm to do another check - yipee, fully dilated

MW: Right, lets get you ready to push
Me: Can't we wait for an hour or so, I would quite like to go back to sleep please
MW: Err not really

DD eventually arrived after 26 hours, via a crash section and a further 4 hours of emergency surgery. DH finally went home at 3am, 36 hours after we arrived, while I floated on a haze of some fairly hefty drugs including self-administered Morphine. Next time, I'm having an elective section!

great thread!

funniest moment, when mum asked me how i was on the way to hospital, i said at the top of my voice "I FEEL VERY SHOUTY" still not sure what i ment!! when i got to hospital i was 10cm and ready to go!!

my funniest bit was before we even got to hospital. My waters had broken at about 8.00 am whilst dh was getting ready for work, as I had gestational diebetes and other complications I had been told to go straight to hospital at the slightest sign.. So my dh is running around our flat frantically looking for my hospital bag and shouting come on we've got to go whilst still in his pants and socks.... Whilst I stripped the bed, loaded the washer and had a quick bath.. Bless him he is usually so calm and laid back it still makes me laugh out loud to picture him

We live in Canada and for the last couple of years there's been this type of TENS device here that was all the rage, invented by someone called Dr. Ho. Everyone has been calling the devices "Dr. Ho"s, rather than TENS machines. Consensus seems evenly divided between those who swear by them and those who think they're the tackiest little things that don't do much of anything. Plus, when people hear the word "ho" of course they think of loose women which makes it all that much funnier. And here a penis is occasionally referred to as a "peter".

Imagine how we felt when an OB had to be called to assess me, and a tall Asian man walked in and the MW introduced him as "Dr. Peter Ho"...

bumping for any more recent stories!

I love this thread, we absolutely have to keep it going.

Went into labour with DD at my Mums house. My sister who still lived there was told to tidy her room, to which she replied "Why she's not having it up there is she?"

19 hrs later DD was born, and I cried "It's a baby" Del boy fashion. I had actually forgot that's what was going on.

DH was hysterical with tears... he left to phone people and the midwife asked me "Is he okay?"

With DS much quicker 6 hr labour, but this meant no fresh air between gulps of gas and air... DH asked me why I'd been keeping my A Level in comedy a secret so long, when it could be making us our fortune.

MW kept telling me not to push (still fully clothed and only 3cms at this point), me pushing, when they tried to get my bottoms off I clamped my legs shut and snarled "You're not coming near me unless you get pethadine first". When bottoms were eventually prised from me DS's head was crowning.

Me climbing up the bed, DH asking what I was doing, and I calmly explained the bottom of the bed was causing me some pain so I was trying to get away from it.

Finally DS and I were back to back, so when his head (and arm) crowned my Mum exclaiming "Oh look at him, lying there like superman, taking us all in."

Hah - am loving this thread!

I am sure the Dr who came in to do my episotimy (sp) was about 19, total wide boy, with gold necklace and his surgical trousers round his knees so the top of his boxers were showing. In true wideboy gangsta stylie he flicked his fingers in that funny clicky way alot of men can do, and pronounced "tuuunnne!" to the song which was playing on my cd player...I think it was a Supremes song.
I was a bit mortified that someone from Musical Youth was about to sew me up, but laugh about it now!

Looking back though, I am sure I've baby sat for people older than him, he was really young!

Many, many things.....:

• When my first MW (lovely woman) went for her break another MW (total witch) replaced her. I was naked from the waist down and had adopted doggy-style position. She must have been offended by my massive piles because she kept draping a bedsheet over my arse. I kept brushing it off, but she wouldn't take the hint! I was in immense pain and moaning a lot, she said "Well start thinking about pain relief because it's going to get a lot worse". At this point I said "When will the other MW be back?"!!!!!
• When I was struggling to push DD out, MW (the nice one) asked if i thought it would help to see what was going on in a mirror. I said I'd give it a go and was expecting a large handmirror or something. She went into a cupboard and wheeled out a full length dress mirror. I thought this was hilarious and said it made it all a bit too graphic for me!
• The shocked expression on DD face when she slithered out onto the bed!
• When asking what sex we'd got, DD was presented to me and I was so high from the morphine/gas and air and she was so swollen that I couldn't figure it out!!!

Bump! This thread is great!! Have PMSL reading it!!!! Please keep it going!!

This thread is great! I'm struggling to think of anything funny to say about dd's birth, but i did have a great experience as a birth partner for a dear friend, up north back in 1991.

Friend was a young hippy. Her dh had put his back out pretty seriously the week before. So when we got into labour room we pushed the bed to the side (quite a radical act back then) and everyone got on the floor. Friend wanted me to massage her bottom - for HOURS - and hold hot sponges onto her fanjo. Friend's dh decided his pain also needed attention, so pulled down his trousers and between her contractions I massaged his bum too. (I know, I know, it just felt rude to refuse.) Oh, and then we were joined by friend's mother, uninvited, who had heard I was going to be there and felt she had to turn up to protect her daughter's honour (because I'm gay). She sat on the bed eating her way through a vast tupperware box of egg sandwiches, hurling abuse at me and her son-in-law.

The midwives left us to it, though at one stage one brought her mate to the door to take a look at us: "I reckon this lot are giving birth to a Martian", she said, within earshot.

I have never worked so hard in my chuffing life. It felt like I was birth partner to two people at once. Oh, and friend's dh also used her G&A throughout...

After 1st stage induction stage (gel) I said ' I think my waters have broken'. MW "No I think you're just a bit sweaty" (ummmm never spurted with sweat before!).

On the obs/gyne ward being induced, another MW: "I think we'd better get you to the delivery floor, It would probably be easiest if you run there between contractions".