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Original poster

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.

134 replies

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 09:29

According to them anyway.

DH has gone to the bank. I'm in the bath. We did tell them both of these facts but they clearly weren't listening.

DS started searching for us 15 minutes ago and indignantly declared we've gone out. They've noticed the bikes are no longer on the stair wall (taken down so we can redecorate) and think we've gone on a bike ride without them.

They are making a lunch together for later. DS has armed them both with a plastic sword for protection.

Our bathroom is downstairs and I'm around 4 feet away from them.

They've got torches, spare batteries, lunch and plastic weapons. They're going to build a den under the table and "sit tight". If we don't appear by lunch time, they're phoning grandma.

OP posts:

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 30/04/2016 21:15

Aww, they sound really cute.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 21:14

They're both still up actually. They're under a blanket together singing along to Les Miserables. They think the blanket means I can't see them. I'm going to chase them up the stairs in a minute.

OP posts:

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 30/04/2016 20:58

Some birds are a bit witless but our blue tit sounds just like Gide's Dh's blue tit. Repeatedly trying to get in through the same closed window. How many days of constant tapping at the glass does it take for them to realise it's not going to happen?

I once left some Lego spread out on a towel on the lawn to dry after a washing session. A jackdaw took a bit. (A yellow 2 x 3 stud brick for those who need to know these things.)

OP, your thread has changed subject but is still hilarious. How are the DC? Did they put themselves to bed?

Cathpot · 30/04/2016 20:25

I can also offer an inappropriate animal behaviour story in that one drizzly afternoon in a Welsh zoo I was wanked at by a sooty mangabey.

Sometimes my children nag me for a pet. I say no.

Cathpot · 30/04/2016 20:22

I'm very pleased to get a proper ID on loony ex-Rook, thanks, particularly as th rest of his family live in the big tree at the end of our garden . I think he was eventually 'relocated' by the caretaker when he started landing on children in the playground. Just realised I accused him of liking stationary which he rarely was, rather than stationery. I did once resort to a bribery exit-hobnob as I had 3 serious minded post grads in from the local uni helping us with a project, and the lesson plan wasn't going to survive 34 hysterical year 9s waving paper at a demented bird.

elephantoverthehill · 30/04/2016 19:57

Outside the window of a classroom, in which I taught, every year there would be a couple of pigeons bonking on a wall every spring. It brought many a class to a chaotic standstill. Luckily when the pigeon couple decided to use the skylight I was teaching sixth form so we could have a good laugh. If Malcolm had been around then it would have brought a stop to the pigeons' disruptive behaviour.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:46

Blue toy? Tit! My phone is such a prude.

Sadly, much as I love birds, I think they're all a bit witless aren't they?

OP posts:

Kit2015 · 30/04/2016 19:42

I also nominate for classics! This has really brightened my day. Thanks OP!

Gide · 30/04/2016 19:42

Demented bluetit at my DH's work has been dementedly trying to get in through the window/door all day. It's a police station. I wonder what he wants to hand himself in for?

JonStark · 30/04/2016 19:34

My parents had a friendly magpie visit them for quote a few weeks once. It would come in the house and sit on their arms.

superme3 · 30/04/2016 19:28

That is really cute. At least you know that they will mind each other. Uterus my 3 are like that as well. A toilet visit by myself is a luxury!!

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:26

I need to know more about the blue toy with the noticeably low IQ.

I'm enjoying the Animal Wankers stories.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:24

That goat 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2016 19:23

Malcolm is up a tree atm, ripping twigs out with force and chucking them in the guttering.

We used to have a lothario jackdaw in the chimney. He was a dirty git. Different bird every night and made sure we knew about it. The noise was awful. Malcolm is bliss in comparison.

OP posts:

JonStark · 30/04/2016 19:16

Your Rook is actually a Jackdaw. Very cool though!

reader77 · 30/04/2016 19:13

OP you should write for a living!

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 30/04/2016 18:22

This needs to go in Classics. Please MN.

A friend of mine left her DS, aged about 5, in the car at the park and ride while she went to get a ticket. In the time it took her to walk about 10 yards to the machine and back (always within sight of the car) he had got himself out of his seat and alerted a passer-by to let her know he had been abandoned.

We have a blue tit with a noticeably low IQ.

Cathpot · 30/04/2016 18:10

I also once worked at a place with a demented vervet monkey.

Sorry for demented animal hijack. Your kids sound fab. I feel the need to train mine up now by periodically hiding.

Cathpot · 30/04/2016 18:08

We had a demented Rook at the school I worked at which used to tap at the window until the kids let it in. Cue lesson stopping carnage as it flew about trying to steal stationary. It liked post it notes so sometimes it would leave if you have it some. A colleague had to wrestle a coursework exam from it. I think it briefly had its own Facebook page. I live nearby and was having a quite cup of tea at the weekend when it flew over and landed on my head. It was a surreal moment as I was on my own so had no one there I could say 'look at this bird on my head' to. Then it went ballistic on my watch so I got a photo

I've left the children (8 and 4 respectively ) home alone.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 30/04/2016 17:57

Cocolepew · 30/04/2016 17:49

Lovely thread

At DHs work they have a demented seagull. It divebombs everyone coming across the carpark, and steals cigarettes from people out for a smoke break.
DH was very smug because he rides a motorcycle and keeps his helmet on.
One day DSG sat on top of it and pecked the visor with DH running across the yard screaming, with bird shit running down the back of his leathers.

ArmfulOfRoses · 30/04/2016 17:31

This is such a lovely thread

Defnotsupergirl · 30/04/2016 16:28

I've just looked at the Kevin videos on YouTube -fantastic!

Sootica · 30/04/2016 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verticalvenetianblinds · 30/04/2016 16:09

Eagerly awaiting more Malcolm stories or a picture!

Side note: have unseen the Kevin the cunt videos? He's an Australian goat, he'd get on well with malcolm

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