That thing where you think you're being polite but really it's just a bit mad

I love this thread.

Mine isn't really funny but dp (quite old) Aunty sends a Xmas card and birthday card for me every year. She always addresses it "Miss La Souza" My surname isn't La Souza, neither is dp's surname. We've tried correcting her but Xmas rolls around again and I get another card for "Miss La Souza"

"The pineapple of politeness" is from the play The Rivals. Mrs Malaprop, the character prone to substituting the wrong word to comic effect (and thus from where we get the word "malapropism") says it when she means "the pinnacle of politeness".

Why is this thread called the "Pineapple of Politeness" on Discussions of the Day?

Is it because it's a symbol of hospitality? I live in the Southern US and there are pineapple motifs all over the place.

I was on the train one day commuting to work(usually got a lift with a friend).

A woman on the train greeted me warmly and started asking about my current job. I had not a clue who she was, and I think after some minutes she realised she had the wrong person. But we soldiered on with the very general conversation until I said I had to turn "here" .
Never saw her again and no idea who she thought I was. All very British (although not in Britain!)

DH's extended family all think I'm a teacher I'm not but it's been 15 years so I just make sure I keep up to date with who the current education minister is so when they ask me questions I can sigh heavily and say "Nicky Morgan just doesn't have a clue"

There was also an incident at the opticians when he asked if it was my day off and I said no I'm on maternity leave (ds was probably about 2 at the time so no idea why i even said it) but he misunderstood and assumed I was expecting (thanks mate) so I spent the whole sight test answering questions about when baby was due, if it was a girl or a boy. I was then worried the next time I went he would ask about the new baby so had no choice but to change opticians.

Oh and then there was the time SIL was trying on a fake fur coat and I told her how lovely she looked and what a nice coat it was (she didn't, it wasn't) on christmas day I opened my present from DH only to find said fur coat. Which he had bought following being told by SIL how much I loved it in the shop.

My friend told me the story of when she and her then boyfriend moved into a flat together. They were very young, about 17/18. She is the sweetest person and wouldn't ever say anything to upset or offend anyone.

One day she answered a knock at the door to find her upstairs neighbour standing there holding out a large vibrator. He asked if she and her boyfriend would like to borrow it for a while. She was so stunned she just "oh yes, thanks very much" and took it from him.

She put it in a carrier bag and left it in the kitchen for a couple of weeks, then took it back upstairs and left it outside neighbour's door.

Nobody ever mentioned it ever again.

DH once opened the door at a friends house and the group of people outside stepped in. He assumed they knew our friend (she does have loads of people coming and going) and friend assumed they were friends if DH.

So they came in and had a cup of tea and made polite small talk for about 30 mins! They then asked for after Fred and it turned out they'd got the wrong door number and were expected at the neighbours up the road

On moving to our new house my neighbour told me that the local ice cream man was called Tony. He was lovely, and I'd be all "Hi Tony", "How's business Tony?". One day I noticed he had a name tag sewn onto his shirt - BILL ! I was mortified, he'd never said anything, and must have assumed I just liked giving people stereotypical names, as in all ice cream vendors must be of Italian heritage and called Tony !! I call him Bill now.

I think it's time to tell the story of how DF very nearly committed lesé-majeste.
DF has always been known by his middle name, let's say it's Sean. His first name is (say) Robert, which obviously shortens to Bob.

DF gets a Garden Party invite, part of the burden of being on detachment at MOD. His Head of Branch, who has never met him until 15 minutes ago, introduces him to HM. Unfortunately, DF doesn't recognise his own first name, and turns his back to see where Bob is. There is a brief, freezing moment, while DF contemplates the Tower, until HM says something emollient, and DF and his boss sneak off early and get ratarsed in the Plumbers Arms.

Sisters... Oh my... I wonder what your DM would have done had she not been free'd? Pretend the railing was some sort of medical knee-brace... or perhaps that she was one of the new Suffragettes (Disney-branch)?

These are all just so funny... we need a 'bigger grin' emojii

One of my oldest friends sends me birthday and Christmas cards addressed to me as Mrs xxxx dhsurname. Except I haven't changed my name and the surname is spelt wrong (an acceptable variant)

It's been 19 years and I haven't dared tell her

My DM got her knee firmly wedged in a railing in Disney land LA. Being too embarrassed to seek help she leaned on it as though admiring cinderellas castle whilst my father pretended go be tying his shoe lace between shoves. It took ten minutes to free her. She was quite panicked by the ebd of it

DH meanwhile spent twelve months calling our neighbours new live in partner Dave. We had several arguments where I told him it was Gary (names changed) but he would have none of it. Finally after Dave /Gary called in to borrow a tool from DH, after I heard the front door shut I pulled up his Facebook page and shouted to dh from the lounge "look, he's called bloody Gary!" Unfortunately for me Gary was still in the hallway....he did see the funny side. They split up a few weeks later. NDN is still single. This is probably easier.

DH has form for this.

For context, DH is SAHP so usually does all child-related stuff during the week and has both of our boys.

We used to send DS1 to a childminder. DH has a younger DB who works at a chain (let's say Pizza Express). BIL gave DH a branded staff t-shirt. One day DH was leaving to do pick up and put this t-shirt on as it was clean and to hand. He wasn't wearing a jacket. So he gets to the CM's place and she asks if he works at Pizza Express as the t-shirt says 'staff'. Naturally his response is 'yes'. When she asks what he does he could have used that moment to backtrack and say, "Oh, sorry, I thought you said (something), it's my DB who works here". Instead he said 'I work on the ovens'. There is a branch not far from us so she asks if he works there, and he says 'Yes'... and so on. So my DH has gone from being at home with the DCs, to working on the ovens at the local Pizza Express After that point she kept asking him how work was and if they'd see him there and he just kept it going. Fortunately for him we removed DS1 from her setting after a few months so he didn't have to keep it up for too long...

I go to the library a lot. One of the librarians greeted me, one day, saying "Hello, Sonia".

My name is not Sonia. It doesn't even sound anything like it, but I didn't correct her that first time.

Every time I went in there from then on, I just pretended to be called Sonia. Then one day I had a problem with my library card, she looked down at the name on my card, and I had to admit I wasn't actually called Sonia at all.

Another one, a caretaker at work thought I was called Simone (again, I just went along with it, my name sounds nothing like Simone). I eventually had to own up when his wife started working there, and wondered why her husband was calling me by some random name!

Lastly, I used to do the collections, at work, when people were leaving.
Once I got a bloke some chocolate, iced with a personal message, from Thorntons. It had something like, "We'll miss you, Gordon" iced across it....As he was leaving he admitted that he was known by his middle name usually by everyone outside of work. It was just that he was too shy to say anything as he was being introduced on the first day, so had just gone along with it....I think name ones are quite common.

Why is this thread called the "Pineapple of Politeness" on Discussions of the Day? I can't find anything about a pineapple.

I was out for a walk when my first DC was about 6m. Two women walk past, and one of them stops and grins at me.
"Hey!" she says. "How ARE you?"
"Fine," I reply, thinking, fuck, Do I know this woman?
"It's so good to see you!" She says warmly, then turns to her mate. "This is my friend Helena! We used to work together!"
I am not called Helena and I did not uae to work with this woman. But I smile and nod and act in a Helena-like manner.
I have seen this woman often since, and she always thinks I'm Helena. This has been going on for 10 years.

I was sat on a bench in town once with my 3 under 5's and an old lady came and sat next to us.

We chatted for a little while and then she noticed that I wasn't wearing a wedding ring and commentated on how hard it must be to be bringing up the 3 on my own and how she has nothing but respect for single mothers.

She told me that her husband had been cruel and that she should have got away but women couldn't in her day.

I hadn't the heart to tell her that DH and I were actually happily married so I agreed that I was better off without him.

Then I saw him walking out from the bank and heading towards us and I scooted off down the street pretending not to know him.

I just cringe at the thought of the restaurant employees saying oh look - Rachel has got engaged, now she's married, oh had a baby....

The awful bit is I received all my cards from her but she never mentioned the lack of reciprocation!

I bet the people in Pizza Express will be devastated to miss out on her child's birthday cards from now on too

I am still giggling at page's assertion that she is not completely mad
Brilliant thread

You're unhinged @ unhinged

The 'Richard' comment is hilarious.

I remember howling at that one on the other thread.

Someone up thread mentioned a comment in another thread when someone said they had a dog, but actually didn't. Their colleague texted them to arrange to 'go over the moors' at the weekend : she was totally bamboozled!

I found an old school friend on Facebook, he had a very unusual name (think along the lines of Jupiter Wobbly) so easy to locate. We spent a long time (six months or so) having a good catch up and talking about the places we knew where we went to school. Out of the blue one night (six months later) he confessed he didn't know who I was, checking his details further I realised he was five years younger than me and wasn't in the same year group at all but had an identical name to the old school friend I thought he was and had been at the same school but a few years later!

He was really embarrassed as he didn't want to offend me and because I felt sorry for him I couldn't unfriend him from my FB

Mine still makes me laugh to myself... Identifying details changed obviously.

My Friend Rachel Smith had a 30th birthday meal at Pizza Express on Lower Street, Woking. I obviously jotted it down in my address book next to her name and number. I never made it to the party as I was really delayed. Apologised and forgot about it, but made sure I posted a card. Then I sent an engagement card, Xmas card and so on for years.

Never went to her house, but driving down lower street in Woking on my way to work one day, I thought oh Rachel lives near here... She must live really near the restaurant....

5 fucking years of sending cards to a bloody restaurant!

Thank you so much for this thread. Inspired by your stories (which made me reflect on a few past ones of my own), I ditched an evening class earlier this evening that was boring me to tears and hard to follow because I missed a week at the midpoint coffee break. I didn't even bother giving a credible reason. I just upped and left, thanking the tutor on my way out as it was the last one.

I wonder if any of our non-UK/non-British posters can comment on whether this is a peculiarly British affliction.

Oh Gunpowder that's brilliant...what a place to do it!