I woke my DH up at 4am this morning

Deep in the middle of the night, my ex woke me with a big, loud wet fart. He then started giggling his head off, all whilst asleep. This then made me start giggling, but I was awake!

DCs have clearly knackered my OH so he now sleeps deeply & without incident but before they came along he would have a chat most nights. Couple spring to mind, first when he was channelling his inner Hoff & described to me what it was like being in Kitt & the car driving itself. This led to all future nocturnal ramblings being referred to as his Knightrider moments. Also one night he was creased up laughing because he was looking at a book with pictures of potatoes that "looked like bums".

I love this thread!
This wasn't me but a story I overheard from a girl on the bus. She'd phoned up her sister sobbing telling her she had to come over because it was broken. She was getting quite hysterical and her sister was trying to keep calm while trying to find out what had been broken when she announced with full melodrama that it was her heart
Apparently her sister hung up.

This will out me but I'm passed caring.
DH occasionally sleep talks, but much worse is that he's also sleep attempted murdered. (Ish)

When we were newly together, about 6 months or so in, I woke up in the middle of the night screaming and absolutely petrified because somebody had grabbed me and pulled me backwards in bed by/with their hand over my mouth. I honestly thought I was being raped and/or killed for that split second.

My scream woke DH, who wondered why I was screaming and why his hand was over my mouth. Apparently he'd been dreaming that one of the DCs was standing on a laptop and he was moving them off??

I will never let him forget this.

I take loads of heavy duty mess so I sometimes fall half asleep at the drop of a hat but can still hear what's going on.

One time DH cuddled up saying "do you fancy a kiss and a cuddle?"
Me "it would be very nice but that woman is watching and her hair grips need sorting"
DH "eh?"
Me "yes, look they're a right mess!"
DH "I'll take that as a no then!"

Last week, just after I dropped off
DH "is it Wednesday you've got the hospital?"
Me "I don't know why you're coming you don't even like animals?"
DH "eh?"
Me "you don't like animals, you always moan"
DH "oh fucking hell you're talking jibberish again"

When the kids were small I used to wake up, smack DH's face and ask who was in my bed. God knows why the kids never used to get in with us.

Dh says I talk in my sleep. I didn't believe him so ask what I said. He replied, "Usually just shouting at the children, is one of them called < insert name of naughtiest boy in my class >?" (I'm a TA and apparently mean in my sleep!)

My DH does this when he's particularly stressed. He did some hilarious ones whilst I was pregnant.

1. getting out of bed and literally climbing onto the window sill and staring outside. When asked what he was doing, said in the creepiest voice ever "someone's in the garden"
2. He got up, turned the lights on then proceeded to wrestle the bed sheet out from under me telling me there were worms in the bed and he needed to shake the sheet out.

I asked dp if he had 'a spare postcode' once.
I'm sure it made perfect sense at the time.....

My DH has a few stories to tell about my sleep talking.

I once sat up in bed and announced "I'm the queen of the hospital"
I threatened him with "I'm going to stab you in the left eye with a fork"

We have had many conversations that I can never remember - those are the most memorable 2.

I also sleepwalked once. I dreamt I was having a baby and was pushing down. Woke up on the toilet having a wee. 😌

An ex from many, many years ago, fell asleep on me on the sofa after he'd been on a long motorbike journey. When I tried to shift him off my legs, he said "we can't go now, the lights are on red!"

No Euphemia it's all true. DH is an epic sleep talker and occasional sleep walker, who has had to be removed from wardrobes and my parents bed in the past.

Best thread! I've had to stop reading it several times as I was trying to get DS to sleep and kept snorting

I know I talk in my sleep occasionally but can't remember any of my mutterings, however I can remember when I was about 12 I was at a sleep over and one of the girls started singing the teletubbies theme tune, still makes me smile!

DH sleep talks sometimes, but our favourite is when he goes into daydream mode in the shower.

Last Father's Day, the dcs were waiting outside the shower cubicle with their cards etc, and DH muttered, loudly, "I hate line dancers".

How we laughed. He has absolutely no recollection of saying it.

And a couple of classics from DH -
Said in a very happy and contended voice "Bricks.......... ..... Chocolate bricks" mmmMMMmm. As if he was really pleased with himself and the idea of some actual chocolate bricks.

Another time on holiday he woke me up very urgently to have the following conversation with me
DH: "is it dead?!"
Me: errrrr
DH: is it dead? Did you kill it?!!
Me: yes
DH: oh good, thank you
Me: try to stifle my laughter.
I asked the next morning if he had a bad dream and he couldn't remember anything.

This is hilarious! I was talking recently with some friends about sleep talking/ walking.

One friend of a friend has found that when her husband has a big presentation coming up he rehearses it in his sleep - with arm actions and I think sitting up. She has found the best way to get him to relax and settle back down to sleep is to applaud and tell him "well done, very good"

A while back we had a medical consultant to dinner.
She worked excessively long hours and nodded off over the meal. The rest of the party accepted the situation and carried on with the food.
Eventually she awoke and said with a start and quite loudly said "But Red Indians don't do that" and nodded off again.
We now use this phrase as an acknowledgement of a snooze in front of the tv of an evening

This thread has really made me chuckle..had to explain to DH why I was laughing to myself

I don't have any examples of sleep talking / walking myself but I did once decide (I was 8 or 9 years old) that I was going to stick my sisters hand in a jug of water as I'd heard it makes you wet the bed...(I can't remember why I was annoyed with her) but anywho I got up to her bed with this jug of water and she turned over in her sleep / facing me and her eyes were wide open...I thought I'd been caught..then I realised she was still sleep breathing so I backed the hell out of there..scared the crap out of me..Karma..didn't try that again!!

I have grown up a bit since and have confessed to my sister who thinks it's hilarious!

I have to tie my hair up to sleep because if even a tiny bit of it brushes DP in his sleep then he will leap out of bed screaming and curl up at the end of our bed hitting himself and shouting about spiders.
He works shifts and quite often tries to get up in the middle of the night and go to work. I've had to stop him heading off to work at 3am in just his pants and shoes.
Me:where are you going?
Him: have to go to work, gotta make a game. (Note, dp does not make games for a living, he is a chef) bossname tested me.
Me: it's okay, I called bossname and she says you can go in later.
Him: okay -tries to get into bed with shoes still on

However I still have the good end of the deal here because while I don't sleep talk I do sleep punch. I have woken up to find dp asleep on the sofa multiple times because I wouldn't let him into bed and punched him when he tried to get in.

Dh sometimes sleeptalks.

In the heady, early days of our relationship I was watching him sleep (as you do...) and he suddenly smiled the most angelic smile - seriously, his face lit up with the purest joy. I whispered "What are you thinking of?" (thinking it might be me, natch) His smile deepened - honestly, I've never seen him look so happy. He sighed, and murmured .... "Christmas Cake"

Op, I'm laughing here and can only imagine your dh reaction

I've had a few random outbursts in the middle of the night but dp tops anything I've ever done.

Apparently when he was living at home, aged about 19, he slept walked, stark naked into his mothers room (his mum and dad sleep in separate rooms) and proceeded to 'ride a wave' on top of her duvet as he thought he was surfing She very calmly told him to get off the bed and he walked back into his room. He's been mortified ever since. Very bloody bizarre and no illegal substances had been consumed!

"trapped inside a tiny bit of wood"

Actually fully properly crying

"you patronising fucktard", the cat sailing through the air due to "a rat crawling up my arse" and Gaston the escaped turtle have all made me lose all control of my face.

Another nomination for Classics from me! How do I do that properly? I'm such a noob.

I woke up one night flung the duvet back and started sweeping the bed with my hand saying 'crumbs, get the crumbs out!'
But my favourite trick is to talk to DH when I'm feeding smallest one in the middle of the night, tell him about decisions -I've- we've made so when he mentions not knowing about it, I'm like 'sure you do darling, remember I said blah blah blah' and it must trigger a memory coz he backs down!

I talk in my sleep.
DH found me sitting up, scrabblng around in the duvet, crying saying 'someone's stolen my jam sandwich'.
Another time I was pushing him and saying 'There's a dalek coming up the stairs' .
Another time I growled in his ear- quite ferociously- and he got the shock of his life. I said 'I'm practising to be a doberman pincer. Then they'll be sorry'.

I have no recollection of it.