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Original poster

Dating again (gulp) after being widowed

964 replies

Somerville · 07/03/2016 14:48

I haven't been active on mn for a while, but I find myself with no-one IRL to ask. Which is fucking ridiculous, I know. It's not that I don't have some good friends. But I feel stupid for being so uncertain about this. Also, like they might judge me for thinking about this so soon. (I was widowed 16 months ago. We were together for 18 years, right from Uni, married for 15. 3 kids who are amazing but still broken hearted. FUCK CANCER.)

Anyway, deep breath. I've become close to someone over the past 6 weeks while emailing about a project we're both involved with in different ways. (Both freelancers in creative fields who work on several projects at a time - this is the only one where our involvement overlaps.) This particular project is very personal to me, as it touches on loss and grief, and our e-conversations became quite deep and I felt like we clicked, and would perhaps become friends. I didn't think about him romantically before we met - mainly I think, because I'm too busy to think about anything much beyond my kids and my work.

On Friday evening we met for the first time, at the official launch of the project. There were a lot of people there, and I'm not gregarious (especially as this was the first big event I've gone along to since everything, and am still receiving some awkward condolences) and he clearly is outgoing. But we ended up chatting in a corner for nearly an hour, couldn't stop talking. I fell for him hard - massive, instant crush Blush. He's so tall, and his eyes are so blue, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to smell an attractive man, and listen to a deep voice... stupid stuff. Then we were interrupted and chatted to other people, though I kept looking over and seeing him smiling at me. I don't think I've smiled so much in ages. I had to leave to catch last train home while event was in full swing, and was too shy to go over and say goodbye.

I haven't heard from him in the few days since (though wouldn't have expected to). But my friend, who is heavily involved with this project and got me the gig, phoned me last night to say that he got her aside, after I left, and said that we had a connection that had come across in our emails and even more in person, and asked her if I had started dating. She told him that I haven't. That I'm not over my husband, and that my kids need a lot of my time. I guess that's all just about accurate. (I've been to a few dinner parties where I've been sat next to flirtatious single men who have not interested me at all.) Or has been, until now. She said she felt bad at discussing me behind my back, and also at speaking for me, but she didn't act like she thought she was materially wrong in what she'd said. I was too embarrassed/tongue tied to correct her. She's right. But also... he feels this connection too? He wants to know if I'm dating?

I've done no work since the school run this morning, just written a list of all the reasons why pursuing this would be a bad idea. (He doesn't have kids, and is I think a few years younger than me. I'm not having any more kids - couldn't do that to mine.)

Also, I have no time! I have a fucking spreadsheet rather than a diary, so full is my time. (My parents come and stay to have the kids one weekend a month, but that's it. One weekend a month for me, which I usually spend in a B&B on the coast, reading and running.)

And another also. He thinks I'm not dating, and I don't know how I'd let him know that I might be interested in dating (him). Should I call back my friend? Correct her, and she could tell him? Or would that look unprofessional, with this project? Shall I wait until it's over (at least 6 months)? Could I in the meantime at least ask her if he's as nice as he seems?

Lots of questions. Even writing this has helped clear my mind a bit. Thanks if you've read it. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/03/2016 10:06

YAY!!! I am SO pleased for you, this is wonderful Grin. Do ring him and report back immediately please Blush Smile

DancingDinosaur · 08/03/2016 10:00

I go on the way weekends away with the kids somerville. Its great for the kids as they meet other kids in the same position. And I've met some lovely people too. I've never been on one of the local group meetups.

AnotherEmma · 08/03/2016 10:00

YAY! I thought he would probably email back, and that's a very promising email Grin

Original poster
Somerville · 08/03/2016 09:46

Not a hijack at all, these positive stories, and people's thought on them, are lovely. DH's dad was much older than his mum and died when his mum was in her early 50s. DH often expressed sadness at his mum's loneliness, and wished she had remarried. So although it wasn't something we talked about (I just couldn't), I know what he would want for me. I also know he wouldn't want me involving anyone in our lives who was a loser, deadbeat, or abusive in any way, and I was reading some dating threads on here last night and feeling panicked...

But I'm feeling happy now; I woke up to a very lovely email! Smile He had sent it at 5.03 - who the frig is awake at 5.03?! He asked for my phone number and a good time to call. Thanks for telling me to email him, one and all.

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 08/03/2016 09:06

Cabrinha, what you say resonates a lot with the experiences of my friends'. Their deceased partners almost felt part of the day on Saturday - and of course they were because their children were there. I found myself looking at the daughter of my friend's new DH (she was bridesmaid) thinking "your mum would love to see you, she would be so proud". But of course if she was still here, these events would not be happening. My friend's DS is so like his Dad it made me so sad but the bond he has with his stepdad is strong and I was glad he has it, and I know his Dad would be pleased too. My late friend's parents were at the wedding on Saturday and I said it must have been so hard for them, they simply said "yes it is, but it is what he would have wanted, the children are happy and we have gained a granddaughter". Such strength.

So many bittersweet moments but I know if anything happened to me I would want my DH to find love with someone else and for my children to have a family and to have someone in their life who could take on the role of their mother.

Sorry OP, slightly off the point and don't want to hijack but hopefully sharing all these positive stories may help - its hard when you don't know many young widowed people in real life. Good for you for sending that email.

Cabrinha · 08/03/2016 08:01

Special occasions! BF told me that the cemetery was packed on Mother's Day. He's got two (almost grown up) kids - one goes to the cemetery fairly often, the other not even once. I guess some people find it a useful place to connect, some don't. I think he chats more to her there than daily in his head - more of a focus. Just what works for him. Obviously going a lot doesn't mean he loved her more than someone who doesn't... it's just that as it's a very obvious thing (more than talking in his head) I see how much she's still with him.

What it has shown me is that he can very easily have us both in his life. He's further on than you, and I am his second GF (it was 3 years before her) and he doesn't feel any guilt at all about having both of us. Still cries sometimes - but sadness not guilt.

I hesitate to say what is an 'acceptable' time because honestly it's nobody's business but yours. But I really think that 16 months is definitely OK.

I also tend not to say "he would have wanted you to be happy" about someone I didn't know. But from my own point of view - would I want my husband to love and be loved again? Of course I would.

Even if you or he decides not to profess this at this time, good luck with this time and this stage of life. x

Original poster
Somerville · 08/03/2016 00:24

Me too, can't sleep!

My sister is a nut job. But generally means well. She was meant to move in, at one stage, to help me with the DC and the hound, but I decided it'd end in sororicide.

Re my friend - I'm not super close to her, though I like her. She's been very helpful to my career, though was DH's friend first, and I don't want to make anything weird. So I've decided to keep her out of the loop to start with.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/03/2016 00:12

I am very excited now Smile

AnotherEmma · 08/03/2016 00:08

PS I also wanted to say that your sister's reply made me laugh Grin Possibly not the encouraging reply you were hoping for but it sounds like she's giving you the go ahead in her own cheeky way!

AnotherEmma · 08/03/2016 00:05

Hi OP,

You sound wonderful, this man sounds great, and I think your email was perfect! Hopefully he'll get the hint and ask you for a drink Smile

If you talk to your friend again soon, maybe you could tell her that you hadn't been thinking about actively looking for dates but you would be open to dating if you happen to make a connection with someone? That way she will hopefully revise her answer if she talks to him again (or anyone else who asks her about you).

If I was your friend I wouldn't judge you at all for dating at this point - I'd be very happy for you.

Can you streamline the children's activities or get more help with lifts and things?

Original poster
Somerville · 07/03/2016 23:51

These messages are making me well up. In a good way. Though now I'm feeling guilty, because you're all being so nice about me, and I phoned my parents this evening and asked them to have the dog for some extra weekends. I swear at DH in my head most days for buying DS a sodding puppy 3 months before getting diagnosed with fucking cancer. I like dogs, and the kids love her, but because we weren't able to focus on the training while she was little, now she's almost 2 and is still shitting in the house on occasion. And stealing food. And jumping up at guests. Everyone else in my life thinks it's this amazing, prescient thing that DH did so that none of us would be lonely and the house would be secure and burglars scared off. Fuck that, she's the most stressful thing in my life.

wherehavealltheflowersgone - I'm so happy for you. That's so young to be widowed, I can't imagine coping when I was that young and the dc tiny. A puppy was hard enough for me to cope with alone, as evidenced above!

Dancing dinosaur - I've found WAY website and advice v good, but haven't been to my local group more than twice. It's probably mostly that I'm not too good with small talk, and there was a lot of it. And, a weirdo widower was was treating it like speed dating! Most of the women seemed lovely. Maybe I should give it another try.

Back to obsessively checking my email.

OP posts:
wherehavealltheflowersgone · 07/03/2016 23:24

Go for it - I was widowed 7 years ago - I was 29 and had 2 very young dc. Now re-married to a lovely dh, with another dc, and v v happy.
PM me if you want :)

DancingDinosaur · 07/03/2016 23:19

Good for you op. I don't think anyone has the right to judge you. Its your life and you need to live it in a way that makes you happy. I'm a way member too, I hope one day I meet someone who makes me stop and look twice :-) good luck op.

springydaffs · 07/03/2016 23:15

It sounds great! As do you - I'm not surprised he is agog about you Smile

I made a wedding dress for a woman who had previously been widowed very young. Her deceased husbands parents were guests at her second wedding, obviously with their full blessing. I have to say there wasn't a dry eye in the place - everyone, absolutely everyone, wished her, and them both, well.

We all wish you well Somer Flowers

Original poster
Somerville · 07/03/2016 23:10

Cabrinha, I agree with your boyfriend. He sounds lovely. And every week at the cemetery - I'm under a year and a half on and only go on special occasions. Still find it quite hard, there. Though DD2 would go more if I agreed, but she mainly takes grave-side selfies to show her friends Hmm. I do find myself talking to DH a lot in my head. Not about this today though, guess I feel a bit guilty. (Not that I think I, or anyone else moving on after loss, has anything to be guilty about.)

Those with hopeful stories, either your own or of others you know, thank you. OneBiscuit - how wonderful that you've worked hard to incorporate your DH's late wife's family into yours. There are so many disaster stories about blended families that the whole thing terrifies me. But I know from my own extended family that it is possible.

Earlier I texted my (much younger than me) sister saying I'd met someone and was considering asking him out for a drink. She's just replied. No comment, just a link to an article about how to "wax one's lady garden". Boak.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somerville · 07/03/2016 22:47

Okay, I wrote an email. Didn't suggest meeting for a drink, but did say I really enjoyed his company, haven't laughed as much as that in a long time, and that I was sorry not to have said goodbye. I explained this was partly because I wanted to get home in time for my babysitter so she'd work for me again. (Hopefully he'll get that glaring hint!) And I mentioned having heard that he'd talked to my friend, though not the particulars of the conversation. I finished by mentioning a book he recommended, which I'm now half way through and am loving. (Genuinely. If he recommended crap novels I'd probably go off him.)

Please no-one tell me that any of the above sounds stupid because I've already sent it...

OP posts:
Obs2016 · 07/03/2016 22:03

Write the email. We all wish you all the best.

Cabrinha · 07/03/2016 21:23

That's really interesting Somerville - and yes, my boyfriend is far more positive about finding lasting love again than I am! (unpleasant marriage ending in divorce)

I approach it as "I suppose it might work, may as well try" whereas he is all "why wouldn't it work?!"

He knows that he can still be happy and in love 20 years down the line, and sees no reason why he can't be again.

I'm quite excited by being with someone who has succeeded in marriage, unlike me (though I'm not taking the blame for that 😉)

It's been nearly 4 years now and he pops up to the cemetery every week to take flowers and have a chat, fill her in on what their kids are up to... He's ready to date, but obviously she's still very important to him. Which makes me happy that I've found a man who wants love, and believes he can sustain it.

Good luck with this man! Mine also said he felt the way he had with his wife, when he met me. I hope you find love. Flowers

OneBiscuitAtATime · 07/03/2016 21:21

I met my DH 16 months after the death of his first wife, he had a teenage DD. I think the response from her friends and family was a little bit surprised, a little bit sad, but ultimately happy to see him not be lonely anymore. Some of them assumed he might want to distance himself from those old relationship but we've both made sure that didn't happen, and our baby DS has the bonus of an extra set of aunts, uncles and cousins etc from his big half sisters family.

GColdtimer · 07/03/2016 21:20

Somerville I have been a Maid of Honour to two friends who married again after being widowed. The latest on Saturday to a man my friend met through WAY. I was good friends with both their husbands and miss them dreadfully.

But I am delighted that both my friends managed to find happiness again. And if the wedding on Saturday was any measure, the room was full of people who had known (and were related to) both my friend's and her new DH's late partners and there was nothing but good feeling. If anyone has any issues with you dating again that is there problem, not yours. There is no magical amount of time for it to be appropriate to date again, it's when you feel it's right.

I hope it works out.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 21:02

*says

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 21:02

Great advice, particularly from Cabrinha

Do what she ways

Justaboy · 07/03/2016 20:56

Well having given this some thought..

He seems like a great bloke and you sound like a lovely lady so in my 'umble opinion just go for it!

As to relationships after losing a partner.

My first wife took her own life and as tragic as that was she was at peace after an awful illness and a while after she died i found a bit of paper that she had scribbled on whilst in hospital, and I've never been so annoyed that its got lost as it went something like;

"If anything should happen to me please mourn my passing, please remember me for who i was to you.

I ask only two things of you please take care of our dearest daughter and it is my wish that as soon as fate makes it so please find another lovely lady that you truly deserve".

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 07/03/2016 20:06

Definitely e-mail him and ask if he wants to go for a drink.

You know he is interested, he thinks that you aren't even thinking about whether you are interested or not!

Go for it :)

Original poster
Somerville · 07/03/2016 20:00

You're all very brave about sending emails suggesting drinks! Is that really what is the done thing now? For the woman to do? God, I feel my feminist credentials slipping.

Thank you for the warm words, everyone. I wish I knew my RL friends would be this accepting. I think it's because DH and I got together so young, we were always 'the couple' in our friendship group, IYSWIM? So now no-one can think of me as anything but Mrs DH. My friends who didn't know DH so well are either work related (it's a small industry, and don't want to risk anything I say getting back to the man in question) or DC-schoolmates-parents (ditto my kids).

And yes, thanks, I've come across WAY. I found my counsellor (who I recently stopped seeing, but maybe I need to book another session) and the DC's excellent grief counsellor, through them.

OP posts:
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