Dating again (gulp) after being widowed

Cab you're a bloody good woman.

How is Easter treating you Somer?

Cabrinha you sound wonderful and I love the way you write about your fiancé's late wife - I think your positive attitude is testament to your generosity of spirit and sense of security in his feelings for you. FWIW if I was in the OP's shoes I think I would find it really helpful to hear your POV (and in my own nosy shoes it's really interesting!)

I'm not sure about posting this next stuff, because this is your thread, and it's about me

About still being married... Mr Lovely doesn't understand and I don't understand - because we haven't walked in your shoes. When he says he understands, I think it's short hand for "I get that you are feeling things that are complicated and I trust that you are the one experiencing them, and so you know they exist - and so they must be understandable".

Honestly though... I don't find it surprising, and it seems logical to me.

When I split from my XH, I felt 'divorced' immediately. All else was paperwork - in my head, we were done. You never ended your marriage - it's not what you wanted. 'Marriage' is a legal and social construct that ends with death - but it's also an expression of love, and that doesn't just stop.

When I think about (and talk about) my widower fiancé's wife, it doesn't feel quite right to say "first wife" (and never "ex wife"). It's just "wife".
OK, they are not legally "married" now, but they are still in a relationship. Well, he is with her. He is still a husband that loves her, he's still the one that cares for and loves her children. He goes to her grave to chat to her every week. He is still with her. When our parents die, we don't stop being their child. When, god forbid, a child dies, you are still a mother.

This is hard to explain, but I still see his relationship with her, and it feels perfectly natural that it co-exists with our relationship. In some ways, she feels to me like a member of his family who I just haven't met yet. Or... I hope this isn't a bad way to describe it, but... it feels maybe polygamous? Like, it's perfectly normal and acceptable to have two wives, just- one is dead. If I can feel like he's still married, surely it's not so odd if he would? (I doubt he does actually, he'd probably tell me now - "Cabs, you're over thinking this and you're a bit odd, but you're still the one for me".

There is, to me, a bit of "three of us in this relationship" BUT - please don't take that the wrong way! It's not a negative thing, and it's not a big thing. I don't think it often, and when I do it's not in any problematic way. She's not on a pedestal, she's not better than me (and I'm not better than her). In my mind, they'll always be married but our relationship (and then our marriage) will co-exist with that. Just as he can be a dad and a husband at the same time, or a dad to two children at the same time - I don't see why he isn't a husband to us both. Just - his relationship with her has to be different now than that with me. He'll always love her, and how you feel is far more important than any "rule" in law or society about when a marriage ends.

Please excuse me talking about me I've actually found it useful to understand in my own mind how I feel about dating a widower. (and it's all positive)

I totally agree that you'd likely feel this way at any time - perhaps more keenly than you would if this was a few more years down the line - but it's natural surely to go through it?

And try not to worry about what your kids expect. What they need is for you to date a good man. They don't need a carbon copy of their dad - they'll never have that, he's not replaceable. They just need the man in your life to be a good man - and then they'll find their own way together, if that's where this leads. My lovely widower's kids (15 and 20) don't want me to give to them what their mother gave. They just want their dad to be happy. I hope we'll develop a relationship - but it won't be a copy of what their mother did for them. They don't need that. Let Lovely (if you want to take it further) be an addition, not a replacement.

OP - you are amazing! I hope if I were ever in your position I would be like you!!

Mr Lovely is really living up to his name. I understand that you still have feelings for your DH. You did not choose to end the marriage. You will always have feelings for him. And you are also allowed to stay open emotionally and develop feelings for someone else.

Your DC will be helped by your lead in this, too.

I agree with Emma, you'd feel this way no matter what.

It makes perfect sense that you still feel married to dh. That doesn't end because he's not here. That is real. Don't fight it, accept it. You don't want to move on from dh, and you don't have to.

What I'm really clumsily trying to say is that you don't have to "get over" dh. Not ever. You have to grieve and get to a point where you feel ok. But you don't have to leave him behind.

It sounds like Mr Lovely is sensitive to that. Which is great. You need someone who understands that dh will always be a part of your life. But that doesn't mean someone else can't be too.

I hope that ramble made some kind of sense

You know what, Somer? I don't think you're feeling this way because it's too soon. I think you'd be feeling like this whether you waited 10 months or 10 years. I think it's a difficult but necessary part of the process of moving on.

I'm glad you're telling your family, too. I think they will be able to support you through it.

^ Yy

You weren't pathetic yesterday, Somer - don't be silly!

Do you plan to tell your parents and DCs about Mr Lovely, then?

Somer, definitely reply. How nice :)

He really seems a caring sort. Trying not to put pressure on you when you feel sad.

I will add that it was entirely my decision to have DC with him. He never ever ever so much as suggested it.

I went and told him he's lovely. It got me a morning, kitchen-snog :o

Shhh! I don't want my dh to know that I know he's lovely :o the madman thinks he's the lucky one!

There's a lot to be said for someone who is able to be honest without being needy.

I can't stand game playing. Dh is definitely the more sensitive and caring one of the two of us. We work well. I hope it works out for you too.

It's lovely to remember the first flush of love :)

How utterly lovely that he isn't scared to share his vulnerabilities..

Lovely, lovely post FuckYouChris: this really is a lovely thread in so very many ways, We are all rooting for you OP, you will take this at your own pace and do the right thing by everyone, most importantly for yourself x

How on earth have I missed reading this thread?!

Somer, you are very lovely and definitely deserve a Mr Lovely too.

I'm not surprised you feel up and down. Don't try to compare the feelings. It's not that you don't love and miss your dh. You don't need to feel sad to still be doing that. You will always love him, but there is space for more and you deserve to be happy too.

I remember the dcs talk with dh. I was divorced. He's a few years younger than me too (I strongly recommend it :o ). I didn't want more dcs.

We were also not-dating. He'd already told me he wanted children. I was trying to have the sensible, "I adore you, but this can't work because of practicalities" talk.

So I said, "It comes down to you wanting children, and I don't want more. I won't deny you a family."

And he took my hands and said, "When I said I wanted children, I want children in my life. I want to be a part of a family one day. I don't need my own biological children."

The git had an answer for everything :o

And yes to the lightheaded first kiss.

I even changed my mind about having more dcs, much to his surprise

Good men are great. No game playing, lots of easy chatting, both clearly showing you like each other. It's all good. Although I wasn't good at the chaste thing but then I do think that divorce is different, insofar as you don't feel a need to be loyal to your XH in the same way as if you still love and respect them. (If that makes sense)

But it's ok to feel sad sometimes too. Take your time. There's no hurry.

I know it's easy to say, but please don't feel guilty! It's been 16 months - that's a long time to be missing your DH and grieving. So it's perfectly natural that your new feelings for Lovely should now start to overtake missing DH.
It's going to be a roller coaster that you'll never get off, I think. You'll never stop missing DH or thinking what if. But hopefully you'll experience lots of new highs with this Lovely man who you so deserve in your life.
What has happened to you is not the norm. You're not supposed to lose your husband so young with 3 kids to bring up. So take all the new happiness you can get and hold on tight through the inevitable lows.
You really do deserve all the happiness coming your way so please please don't ever feel like you're doing it wrong - you are awesome!

Somer

I can only imagine what a mixed bag of emotions you are experiencing, they are all natural and to be expected.

The most important thing to remember is, if DH loved you he would want you and his kids to be happy. Remember that when you are having misgivings or feelings of guilt.

Somer I'm also a lurker who has de-lurked to say that I've been consumed byreading your thread since day one and I'm soooo rooting for you and Lovely.

You sound equally as lovely as Lovely and I'm sorry that today has been tough. I can't imagine the roller coaster you've been on but it warms my heart to hear how you are enjoying the 'ups'.

Keep smiling and keep being you and pleeeeeeeaassseee keep us updated

Glad I made you smile

Sorry you had a difficult day. All your feelings sound very natural and normal to me. And I hope you can let go of the guilt about your new relationship sometimes having a stronger pull than missing your old relationship - that seems healthy to me.

Maybe one day Lovely will make a great stepdad, maybe he won't, but either way he will never replace their dad and that's ok.