My parents are mad (lighthearted)

My Nan would regularly go through the rigmarole of trying to get you to remember people...

You know, her who used to wear the black hat, lived down such and such a lane, worked at the factory with do and so, drove a blue fiesta......

Well she's dead.

Always ended that way, and we never knew who the person was anyway.

I switch my router off at night to avoid wasting electricity, and also the TV and all downstairs non-essential sockets. The fire service advise it but I do it out of habit. They're not off for long as I go to bed late and have to get up early.
I wouldn't have Sky if you paid me for it.
I am 45.

DM Remember Rosemary?
Me No
DM You must do, she was at the wedding.
Me Who's wedding
DM Mine.
Me Mum, I was born 8 years after you got married.
DM Tells me about Rosemary anyway.

My parents turns up with bags of random tat too! Usually things that she wants to get rid of so thinks I might like them cluttering up my house instead. They could just take it all to the charity shop and cut out the middle man!

My mum got drunk and buried hers in the garden.

It has never been found.

I was a 13 year-old girl in 2001

Whenever my parents go on holiday, they hide the TV remote. They think that if the house is burgled while they're away, this will deter the thief from taking the TV. They do know that universal remotes exist - I used to own one!

They also do the switching the router off at night thing.

My Dad had the "you'll break it" obsession with anything electrical.
As a child I wasn't allowed to record anything on the video player because if I pressed the button, apparently I'd break it.

Same with their ancient PC.
I was trying to install a game I think, and it wasn't working. My Dad came in to "fix it"
"Look, Dad, I think it'll work if we try this" (goes to click the start button)
"NO DON'T DO THAT YOU'LL BREAK IT, GET UP AND LET ME DO IT"
cue heckling me out of my chair, sitting down, spending five minutes adjusting the mouse cable (picking the mouse up and waving it around to make the cable loop around it) and then another ten minutes of slowly moving the curser all around the screen before he clicks the start button with a ridiculous flourish. I used to just leave him to it, it'd take him hours just to install something from a disk. Prat.

Quiet my mum has conversations like that with me! It drives me nuts. One minute we're having a normal conversation and the next she's talking about a new pond weed she wants without actually introducing a new subject.

Eatshitderek So does your chicken hating dad actually have chickens? Or did he build a house in case any should end up in his garden one day?

These are amazing.

This could out me but my grandad used to put butter in his hair. My mum went to pick him up for something and he was like "oh, nearly ready, just need to do my hair" and got some butter from the butter dish and combed it through to style it and then when my mum asked what he was doing he said "what do you mean, I've always done this"

Fuck knows whether he actually had.

He also got a new tv with built in freeview and my mum (who is not technically minded) spent ages setting it up. Then he rang her to say it wasn't working. I said I'd have a look at it. Had a glance round the back and it was clear that two of the wires had been swapped round. "Grandad, have you been messing with these wires?" He was adamant he hadn't, but nobody else had touched it! So stubborn

My parent's best friends used to drain every radiator in their flat, before going away on holiday, in case they leaked and damaged the flat below. They also drove an Eos, and recorded how many times they put the roof down/up in a little book in the glovebox.

Up until 5 years ago, my Mum would arrive at our house with just a normal handbag. Like normal women do. But then it all changed. Now, she arrives with said handbag, plus a bag containing miscellaneous tat - such as slippers, a freebie newspaper 'she thought I might like', half a bottle of shampoo she doesn't want and several pieces of junk mail that she wants me to shred 'as they have her address on them.'

Why? Why???

She has also lived herventire life in the suburbs of the same city. She has probably shopped in the John Lewis there for over 40 years, week in and week out. But she is totally baffled where any department is in there, and if questioned couldn't ever tell you which floor she was on. She would constantly get lost. From as young as 8 DDs would be despatched to 'go and find Granny and bring her to the cafe...'

Well I'm pushing 60 but leave the internet on and everything plugged in when I go to bed, rarely much before midnight. I do have a payg mobile as that's all I need. I don't have Sky anymore as it's silly money but do have Now TV. I've had a dishwasher and microwave since about 1980 and use them all the time.
I thought the bed cutting was pretty mad until I realised I'm just about the cut a chunk off the end of a european mattress topper that's too long for it's uk size bed.

My parents definitely had their moments. My dad would ask you what you would like to drink, knowing I'd like wine or a g&t and DH beer. Never had any of these in the house even though he knew you were coming. He once said I can do a g&t but I've got no ice or lemon and the tonic is what's left from the last time you came about 6 months previously as we were living abroad at the time

Hahaha ! That's brilliant. I bet un son secretly sits down with a cups and a biccy to read the latest news now.

Quietattheback

This went on for months.

The emails asking her to stop got more and more irate and she just thought he was having one of his strops and being a shitbag, so she carried on regardless. Daily emails about the family and village gossip, housework, what she's had for tea and not to mention the bowel movements of the dog.

It was hilarious when she came out and said something about it and we had to gently let her know, not only has she upset a complete stranger, she had also upset her actual son, by never emailiing him.

The same named, but not related person, forever now known as un-son gave up in the end and wishes her Merry Christmas, as she still isn't consistent about getting it right.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with a mother who tells you stories and gossip about people you don't know.

Sometimes I'll be able to work out who it is and sometimes I won't. She'll tell me the gossip either way though and it normally isn't anything worth telling.

Mother: Sandra is going on holiday next week.
Me: who's Sandra
Mother: you know, she used to live next door to your nan when she was living in that house in the village. She's the one with dog!
Me: no I don't know her, where is she going on holiday?
Mother: I'm not sure.

My mother has given up texting. This is because she can't sort out who to send the text to so it goes to the first person on her contact lists. Unfortunately this is the office for the sheltered housing development where she lives. They got tired of getting mysterious texts from her, and asked if they could be sent somewhere else.

She also keeps a basin of water in the microwave she never uses. This is because if a) she turned on the microwave and b) the microwave was empty it would c) explode.

My grandad once built a new chicken house - very grand and lovely,lucky chickens. He then called it cluckingham palace and made it a house sign!

My grans partner has sellotape in the kitchen so he can reseal packets but he does this really well so if you want a biscuits you have to hunt for scissors to get into the bloody things. Then he checks that you have resellotaped the packet. He has a freezer book, everything that goes in is noted and dated in this book, my gran may fancy chicken but has to have pork as that went in the freezer first.

My mil has a mobile but its only turned on in emergencies. DH got rushed to hospital i tried to contact her but phone was switched off. When we asked if emergency hospital appointments construed an emergency we got the cats bum face.

My friend who is mid 30s has to turn unplug everything before we leave the house - takes about 10 mins. In her defence its her hubby that insists on it.

I dont think i have any quirks yet but i am mid 30s so plenty of time to develop some yet

We close the doors in the house at night. It keeps the heat in the rooms and also could help save our lives if there was ever a fire.
We also shut doors when we leave rooms even though there is someone else in there in the winter to keep the heat in and the draughts out.

Educated my mum does that too!

My Aunt and Uncle won't leave the house in the evening unless they have drawn the curtains and left the lights on. If they have been out in the day and are out in the evening, they will go home inbetween to do so. This, apparently, is their foolproof plan against burglars.

My Nan rarely refers to any of the neighbours by their actual name. There's 'The Old Lady' (beating in mind my Nan is in her 80s herself), Mrs New House (moved in before I was born, still considered new) and Dot (real name Margaret). Wow betide you if you call Margaret Dot in front of her. Margaret does not know she is called Dot.

nattykitter I love the idea of a total stranger getting random emails about dross!

What is that about? Keeping the heat in?

It's in case of fire, especially at night. Could mean the difference between life and death. Doors hold the fire and the smoke back for a time.

The constant tech support required.

After some months of not using the desktop, insists it doesn't work. The screen is just blue. I try and it comes on fine. Still insists it doesn't work. I try again it's fine. Ask her to show me what she is doing. She's turning the screen on but not the tower. She forgot you have to do that too.

The wireless mouse doesn't work. Yes it does, you're holding it upside down.

Spelling my brothers email address incorrectly and then getting upset when someone asks her to please stop emailing him as he is not her son. She just emails drivel about what she has been doing all day, stories about people he didn't go to school with, despite insisting he did and what the dog has been up to.