My parents are mad (lighthearted)

Back when DH and I were first married, Mum was at a bit of a loose end as she'd just retired.

She knew I got home from work at roughly 5.45pm. So every tea time, without fail, she would start ringing at 5.50pm. If I didn't answer, she'd ring my mobile. If I didn't answer that, she'd try the house phone again... and so on, and so forth. If I hadn't answered by 6.00pm, she would then include DH's mobile in her ring-a-thon - cue DH angrily ringing me at just after 6pm and instructing me to 'Bloody pick up the phone to your Mum'

There was never an emergency, she just wanted to chat. And some days I just wanted to chill for an hour after a busy day at work.

My parents close the curtains every time they go out to prevent being burgled.

My inlaws have to know where the front door key is at all times. We moved house when DS1 was a few months old and they came to stay. Evidently DH and I had committed a serious crime by not telling them the new location of the new key. They expected me to leave DS unattended upstairs, half way through a nappy change, to show them where the key was "in case there's a fire".

This thread is fab. The stethoscope is brilliant

My mother also does the bag of crap.
Her- "Here- these were on special in Tescos"
Me- Oh no mum, thanks, but we don't need them."
Her- (Distressed)"I don't want them either"
Me-"Well what did you buy them for if you don't want them?"
"They were 3 for 2!!"
"Yes but mum I don't want three mega packs of crisps, it's hard enough to keep track of what crap the DCs are eating as it is"
Her - (Indignant, had enough of my crap now)"Well I certainly don't want them!"

She also does the soap thing and frequently tries to have a conversation about the characters in Eastenders with me, even though I don't watch Eastenders.

She used to ring me at work and give a box-by-box reenactment of how things went on Deal or No Deal.

My nan doesn't trust the fast freeze drawer of her freezer

There are many other things, but I discovered this latest gem on Sunday and I am still baffled.

My Dad has been known to do some odd bonkers things. To be fair to him, he was a bit lost when my Mum died and despite a long, successful career in finance, does not have a clue when it comes to household stuff. I once went round to find 1 cup and 1 spoon in the dishwasher on a two hour pan wash. He was triumphant when he managed to use the washing machine, unfortunately that was short lived when he asked me when he "next put powder in" having done about four loads . I recall Mum being away years ago and catching him making one side of the bed. When I queried this, he said he alternated sides every night so he only had to make half a bed in the morning .

Mind you, my Mum wasn't immune to bonkerish-ness either. I had a newborn DD and a raging agonising throat infection. Rang DM to ask her to bring me something for it. She did. A decorators mask so that I "didn't spread germs to the baby"

Loving all of these stories they're fab!

Biblio - the stethoscope thing really creased me up!

My mum used to walk me to school up till the age of 14. I wasn't to be trusted. I also wasnt allowed on a bus on my own til I was 16 (I deliberately went to college rather than local 6th form so I could get the bus - she couldn't come with me because I would be too costly). I had to give her a copy of my time table though.

My mum never threw anything away. I once threw away a blunt sewing machine needle and she shreiked and retrieved it from the bin.

Everything deemed in the way was put in the shed. Once she put my gym bag and handbags in the shed. By the time I was allowed to get them back they were mildew. (hundred pounds gone!)

My dad wasn't allowed tools in the house appart from his drill. Drill bits had to be kept in the shed.

House had to be locked up. I had to be back by 11.

Plugs had to be switched off. Apart from the fridge. Even if you had something plugged in during the day, and it looked un-attended - off! (2000s mobile phone user! Very frustrated!)

Food had to be bought daily. Buying something to have tommorrow was a no-no. If I bought a pack of ham and opened it, it would be thrown away the next day.

Everything in our house is turned off at the wall before we go to bed or leave the house, even if only for an hour. My DP works for emergency services - all it takes is something to trip which creates a power surge, the power surge will sometimes create small sparks at your socket thus starting a fire. He probably see's these types of fires at least once a month & the most common culprits are washing machines , tumble dryers , dish washers & tv's.
Its becoming less common with modern appliances & safer fuse circuits. I find it incredibly annoying but better safe 😊

Oh and they don't trust online banking and would never ever buy anything online.

Dad thinks pizza is just cheese on toast and people are fools for liking it.

This should definitely be in classics. Cluckingham Palace! And having to have the peach yogurt because the dog wants the lemon one

Mine do the locking of the front door. They keep the key is a dish in the kitchen. So if I pop to the car to get something, they lock the door behind me. If I drop my DD off if they're babysitting and only stay long enough to take her coat off and say goodbye, I'm locked in and the key is back in the dish.

The short bed thing is blatantly because of your 6.2 dh, OP. How can you not have realised that?!

I was a bit surprised to see my parents listening to the telephone answering machine (landline) through a stethoscope. The volume control broke and this was easier than replacing the telephone set, apparently.

My mother has a microwave that lurks in a corner and is treated with dire suspicion. I've never seen her use it.

I do rather like the compulsory 10pm bedtime though and have to been known to inflict it on my guests. I'm generally out of small-talk at that point.

My lovely great aunt (no longer with us) used to open and close curtains in her living room, which was a beautiful huge sunny room at a corner and so had three windows. The curtains would close as the sunlight moved round because she didn't want it fading the furniture. Even on the dullest days!

I adored her but always thought the curtain thing was hilarious.

My Nan won't let anyone stand near or in front of the microwave when its on - because of the 'leakage'

My grandad used to do the turning everything off and unplugging thing. He also used to put masking tape on the floor to mark where his chair should be for watching TV at different times of the day as sun would shine on the TV so he would move to get a better view.
He also had a habit of supergluing things that small parts would come off - in case the dog got it. Fine except when he superglued the back of the TV remote and we only discovered when the batteries needed changing.
He had about 20 calendars dotted around his small one bed roomed flat. He would cross off the day, starting at 10pm. It would take about 10 minutes to do this, then the switching off/unplugging and retire to his bed with 6 chocolate caramels and a shortbread.
I miss him and his crazy ways so very much!

My mum refuses to put the light on during the day.She lives in the darkest bungalow known to man, and needs strong glasses to read, but would prefer to screw her eyes up, and hold the paper or book 2 inches from her face, instead of putting the bloody light on.

She thinks it costs too much. It costs about 1p an hour, to run a conventional light bulb, and something like 0.2p an hour to run an energy saving one - so, even if she is using ordinary bulbs, she could keep every light on in her house, 24 hours a day, for under a pound a week! There's no point my telling her this, though, because she won't listen.

My Mother over the course of several hours yesterday

Mum.."I'm phoning from the car, Dad can hear you as well" (they have Blutooth and tell me this everytime)...We're in a traffic jam and havn't moved for ages. Have you got The Internet on, have a look for me"

I'm thinking..at what ? at the most I will find out you are in a traffic jam, it wont help you at all.

Mum.."We're on the A46, at Brownhills, have a look at The Internet....what does it say on The Internet

I'm totally puzzled as I thought A46 (the way they go home) is the Warwick bypass miles from Brownhills..so I Goggle and yes, I have no clue were they are.

Mum.. A46, A FORTEEE SIX. BROWNHILLS Oh we're moving and I want a wee.

ME.." I'm just eating dinner"... Mum says she will phone later

Mum.." We're on the A442 at a place called Coldhill, look it up."

Me "Where ?"

Mum.."Coldhill...*C...O...L...?...?...H...I...L....L X2"

Can I find it ? can I fuck, as I realise its friggin COLESHILL

This isn't my dm but a friend of mine - she was convinced mobile phone voicemail was like an answer phone. We used to listen to her messages of - 'hello darling are you there? It's mum. Pick up the phone. Are you there? You must not be in; I'll call you back later.' She was the loveliest women ever, it used to crease us up with laughter.

My parents do a lot of strange things but their worst is letting the dog lick the plates and pots and pans clean. I tend not to eat there and bring my own stuff as it makes me heave. She also lets the dog lick her feet. Double sick face.

They will also clear things away as you are using them. Their house is like a show home at all times.

If they go on holiday, which is about every couple of months, they will start packing the month beforehand.

I'm sure there's much more.

(Still don't pull all the plugs out though! I think it's not crazy but I just don't remember!)

My mum used to have one of those hairdryers that you sat under - like the ones at the hairdresser - I think she bought it from a catalogue. Dsis and I used to have our hair dried under it, until the night when, all of a sudden, she hauled me out from underneath it because it had started to melt, and molten plastic was about to drip on me!

"Old fashioned TVs did have the potential to burst into flames spontaneously."

I've seen both a hair dryer and a tumble dryer start smoking spontaneously. Luckily I was in the room (two seperate occasions) both got unplugged and stopped smoking but I shudder to think what could have happened.

I am secretly impressed by the idea of writing down everything that goes in the freezer in a book. We could do with that rather than finding something lurking at the back and wondering how long it's been in there which is our normal approach.

We also get the bag full of stuff that you don't want. My gran used to find random tins and try to give them away. I think it was stuff she'd bought because it was on offer but was never going to eat herself. MIL randomly bought some very cheap belts from clothes she'd bought and didn't want. The trouble is I find myself accepting them just to be polite whereas her daughter can just say 'no thanks'. Quite why she doesn't just take them to her nearest charity shop I don't know.

Up until very recently my PILs still had their original, 70s avocado bathroom. Nice.

After several years of deciding on a new bathroom suite, they engaged a bloke to come in and remove firstly all the tiling (it was tiled floor to ceiling).

Well, he came, removed every tile, leaving just exposed breezeblock. Then he unfortunately died.

My PILs wouldn't employ another bloke to finish the job, because they thought it would be 'disrespectful' to the dead bloke. So for the next 2 years, their bathroom looked like a bombsite with bare breezeblock and a partially fitted window. It was like having a shower in a Russian gulag.

Finally DH snapped, rang a bathroom fitter and instructed him to just turn up at his parents and finish the bathroom. I luffs my DH.