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Original poster

My parents are mad (lighthearted)

312 replies

FellOutOfBedTwice · 04/02/2016 04:50

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

  • the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
  • bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
  • I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
  • my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
  • we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
  • despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
  • when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 12/02/2016 19:34

SDTG I'm pretty sure DF thought that something so "new fangled" needed lots of complicated form filling. This is why he wouldn't get the coal fired boiler replaced with a combi. That and the act he didn't want to let the coal man down by not buying from him any more!! He could be very sensible and matter of fact at times, but utterly bonkers at others!!

ProfGrammaticus · 12/02/2016 19:29

Yes, I believe my dad used a conker for that very reason 😃

ipswichwitch · 12/02/2016 19:29

Ha! FIL has carpeted his garage walls - well, just a horizontal strip that's exactly the right height for the car door to touch, since anything more would be "an extravagance"!! We had pointed out that's should he choose to get a different car he may need to move the carpet stripe higher/lower. He responded with a triumphant "no I won't need to since I'll only buy a car that will fit with the carpet stripe and I'll even measure it before I buy!" MIL has informed us that he does indeed have a tape measure in his glove box in case they go looking at new cars Grin

Pooseyfrumpture · 12/02/2016 18:02

Pacific there is a problem with the pom-pom, which I believe my dad overcame with the use of an empty cotton reel - which makes a noise as it hits the windscreen. Better still, hang a line of cotton reels in a row. And also, if you carpet the garage walls then you would not be able to damage the paint on the car doors.

ProfGrammaticus · 12/02/2016 16:59

Pacific - my dad did that too! Not so that you could he get to the freezer, but so that you could get up the stairs to the garage attic. He was SO pleased with himself.

coffeeisnectar · 12/02/2016 16:03

I am crying with laughter at these. UN-son and the Formica worktop granny in particular had me wheezing!

Flossiesmummy · 12/02/2016 15:47

Placemarking for when I have a moment later to tell you all about my MIL

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 12/02/2016 14:48

Love it.I might do that when it gets warmer.I could keep all my winter stuff in the car boot and free up space for summer gear.Its inspired really.

Original poster
FellOutOfBedTwice · 12/02/2016 14:40

Just want to report back from the parents who started this whole thread- specifically the Dad who started it all.

Spoke to him this morning and him and my Mum had had a row. I asked what it was about and honestly, I nearly vomitted laughing. My Dad has a bit of a mania for collecting coats, some new and some from charity shops. He loves in particular full length trench coat type affairs and sheepskin anything. They are all, without exception, terrible coats. He hoardes them all in the cupboard under the stairs and its full to bursting. Anyway, this week my Mum has cracked down and decided he needs to get rid of some and made him go through them to see what he wanted to keep and what he could get rid of. She said that space is limited so he needs to narrow it down to ten coats max (which should tell you the amount of coats we're talking here). Anyway, they fell out over the sorting process and my Dad- stroppilly- took the coats he was getting rid of and drove them to the charity shop, and this is crucial, not in the family car but in the beat up banger he uses as a run around and that he dedicates time to "restoring" in his spare time.

Except he hasn't. He confided to me, cackling with glee, that he drove into town, had a coffee and drove back without dropping the coats off. They're in the boot of his car and that's where they're going to remain. The car is his coat cupboard now.

Utterly bonkers.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2016 12:00

Ipswichwitch - dh once offered to put a shower up over the bath at my parents' house, to make life easier for them. Dad refused, point blank, because he believed you had to have planning permission to put in a shower. Nothing we said would convince him otherwise.

BuddyC4t · 12/02/2016 11:07

My dad chooses a time,such as a Sunday afternoon when my sister and I descend on their house with our families, to watch a recorded documentary or something else which requires concentration. He spends he whole time tutting and turning the volume up. Why wouldn't he just wait until we go home?

RaspberryOverload · 11/02/2016 21:15

Yellow Marigolds!!! Grin Grin

ConkersDontScareSpiders that had me snorting, your dad sounds fab! Grin

ipswichwitch · 11/02/2016 19:46

When DF finally relented and arranged for a shower to be installed (his arthritis got bad enough that he couldn't lie in the bath), nobody was actually allowed to use it bar him. His reason was that we "mustn't get the tiles wet or they'll be ruined". We discovered he was crouching down in the shower and holding the handset millimetres above his head so as not to ruin the precious tiles.

After many months years of shower denial, he did then allow us to use it, but would practically mow us down the second we opened the bathroom door, so he could squeegee the tiles and dry them with his special tile towel. No amount of telling him that tiles are waterproof and designed to get wet and air dry without rotting the walls/joists would dissuade him from his frantic tile drying.

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 11/02/2016 17:28

"in the old days phone calls were cheaper after 6pm"

Aren't they still?! Blush

When did that change?

Trojanhorsebox · 11/02/2016 15:03

My DF has a home made pom-pom hanging from the garage roof and a tiny cross on his windscreen. When the pom-pom touches the cross, he knows he is perfectly parked to allow my mother space to reach the freezer in the garage.

oh dear, I think this one is perfectly reasonable. Space in our garage is tight, so when my windshield touches the red ribbon dangling from the garage ceiling I know my car is perfectly positioned to allow access to the freezer in front of me and the side door, but I am far enough forward for the door behind me to close.

I love lokidokeys story of the satnav that lives in the safe and never goes anywhere or does any actual, you know, satnavving, in case it gets stolen......

My Dad also did the unplug everything at night trick, even when he stayed in our house, which caused a lot of confusion. He ran his shower on what was fondly known as the Dad-setting - a barely luke warm dribble. He also used to open all the windows first thing in the morning to air the house - you'd wander into the living room and be hit by an arctic blast of air.

WizardOfToss · 11/02/2016 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cedar03 · 11/02/2016 13:05

Pacific love the idea of the pom-pom. That sounds like the solution to listening to too many complaints that the freezer is blocked.

My MIL will also buy things on three for twos and then try to pass them off to us because she doesn't really want them she just couldn't resist the bargain. And the dog is definitely the most important child in their household. A few years ago we were out for a walk and the dog suddenly stopped in front of my H so that he nearly went head first over the top of the dog. Luckily he managed to stop himself. Did MIL show any concern for her son? No she was just worried about the dog.

Greengagesummer · 11/02/2016 10:48

Proper LOL at un-son!

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 11/02/2016 08:59

Oh he is...legend in our village Grin

SecretWitch · 11/02/2016 07:56

The only slightly odd thing my 75 year old mum does is to put tee shirts on her dog before letting him out on the winter. These are not speciality animal tees these are from the charity store. Her dog can often be seen wearing shirts bearing logos like "It's better in the Bahamas" Or "BadAssCafe".

She hates for wrong number dialer's to feel bad. She will often engage them in conversation in effort to lessen their embarrassment over their gaffe.

Original poster
FellOutOfBedTwice · 11/02/2016 07:44

Ive been on Mumsnet 5 years now and this is my first thread in Classics. So proud. Have loved reading all of these stories so far. Thanks Mum and Dad, you pair of lunatics. So glad that I'm not alone.

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 11/02/2016 07:10

Conkers your dad sounds spectacular! GrinGrin

CaptainWarbeck · 10/02/2016 22:17

Classics! Well deserved, I have loved this thread Grin

JustABigBearAlan · 10/02/2016 22:07

I'm crying at the yellow marigolds! Grin

Pacific · 10/02/2016 21:37

My DF has a home made pom-pom hanging from the garage roof and a tiny cross on his windscreen. When the pom-pom touches the cross, he knows he is perfectly parked to allow my mother space to reach the freezer in the garage.

They also will never phone me before 6pm ...in the old days phone calls were cheaper after 6pm.

They have a toaster with wide slots which are designed so you can toast muffins etc. However they are convinced that this wastes electricity so they put two slices of bread in each slot. When it is toasted, they reverse the slices to toast the opposite sides of the bread. This apparently is more efficient...how?

Bonkers, but hilarious.

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