Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

And coat hangers go without saying. They are satan's representatives on this earth and when I take over as world dictator they will be eliminated. I'm not sure how I will address the whole still-needing-something-to-hang-clothes-on-issue but I'm sure I can employ some minions to invent something.

The hoover falls out of the sodding cupboard every time I open the door, regardless of how carefully it's put back in. Git.

The dustpan and brush are incompetent, and keep pushing dust under the dustpan instead of into it, forcing me to keep moving the blimmin' thing back to try again.

The mac is dead to me. It's wound me up that many times I refuse to acknowledge its existence.

My phone is apparently allergic to the internent, and also has put itself into airplane mode on more than one occasion for no pissing reason other than to annoy me.

The bastard cable of my bastard hair dryer which is plugged in next to my bed. I don't have a large bedside table so hair dryer lives on floor and INSISTS on coiling it's cable in a nice loop in exactly the right place for me to insert my foot when I get out of bed. End result- me half flying half hopping accross bedroom every bastard day calling the hair dryer a bastard evil cunting piece of shit. Which it is.

I could relocate it so it lives on top of the chest of drawers on the other side of the room, but I feel that would be admitting defeat.

My smoke alarm goes off for mopping, the bathroom door being opened after a shower, any use of kitchen equipment.

My dishwasher. The top tray will not stay straight, it goes wonky when fully and requires much cajoling and delicate surgery to get back into position.

I have a long running feud with my office printer. It works perfectly for everyone else, but not me. I have sworn at it in so many creative ways the non native English speakers haven't got a clue what I'm saying.

Never met a stapler I liked.

But. Mine are my windows. I can only reach my kitchen window by climbing on the sink. I need a step for my bathroom windows.

Shed it's wet wall. Sorry. The rage and trauma got me.

My whole house hates me. My bathroom the most. It she'd it's wet wall. The sink decided it didn't DO draining and flooded me. The shower head blocked and when replaced flooded me by spewing water down the BACK ( how?????) Of the remaining wet wall. My wardrobe will collapse under its own weight if not left leaning slight out from the wall, because fuck logic and physics. I've had 2 hoovers die and spunk their dusty load all over my carpets. Dds room? Can't be perfect enough for her. When DP fixes something? Stays fixed until I touch it! Why house? I've spent a fucking fortune on you, just WHY???

DD's rug. Never moved in our old flat. Now it's like an elderly arsehole cat - it's got the hump over the house move and is trying to return to its former address, a centimetre at a time.

Mops hate everyone.

My previous one was excellent, only they don't make the sponges anymore for them and it has clip-in sponges so I can't use the more common square peg ones. My new mop is okay but bends like a sapling in a strong gale whenever I use the squeeze action. I know it's not going to last much longer the rotten fucker.

The mop.

The fucker hates me.

hahahaha to this thread

I only bought a Henry because every other fucking hoover died and I was fed up of it. H wis indestructible but really, really, really annoying, I agree. Why must he fall over so often? Arse.

And the coat hangers, and the clothes airer, and the dishwasher with its mysterious upper arm of filth, that no matter how many times you clean it will just spray evil shite over innocent cups and mugs. But randomly, so you'll never know which load will be clean or dirty, like Russian Roulette.

And my phone, which thinks it's plugged in and charging All. The. Time. Which causes it to beep. All. The. Time. Gnaaar.

And the cheapo Wilkos broom which untwists from its handle no matter how gently you use it, falling into the pile of dirt you have created and dispersing it again merrily.

So much household RAGE. ARRRRRGH.

[disclaimer: may have PMT]

I don't care for the hand dryers much either.

Yes, because having a large puddle underneath the oh so unique airblade is sooooo hygienic isn't it? I'll be really glad of bacteria free hands when I'm lying on the floor with a fucked back after slipping in a pool of bacteria-filled water.

This morning I would like to add floor sweepers. Bastard thing swiffs along the floor all lovely like, then gets stuck on nothing and flicks the rest of what its sweeping all over the place
And clothes horses. It's like that game of balancing fucking bricks, if it's not perfectly weighted then crash! Down the whole lot comes

May I add hairdryers? All of them. They are far too cool so that it makes my neck all cold but the next setting is like a bastarding blowtorch. And the speed setting is the same. Either the gentle breeze of a fairy's kiss or a fucking hurricane.

Now all humour aside, I really think that you should all inundate the manufacturers of the cling film to make the perforated one like we get here in SA. I would never in a million years buy a roll without it being perforated.....

Life is far too short for that!

Cling film.

Another vote for coat hangers. And the hoover.

Mine has to be the most ridiculous. My paper punch. I do love to have my files all nice and neat and the papers lined up together at the edges... (I am certainly not OCD but I do like a nice file ). Anyhoo, this sodding paper punch and I are falling out now in a serious manner!

Not only, does the paper guide move itself during the night, so when I punch my papers, they are not punched in the same place as yesterdays.... so todays invoices are now filed higher than yesterdays.......BUT the plastic bit on the bottom knows exactly when all the offcuts are ready to be binned.... it never falls off when that part is empty, but it falls off every single time its full of offcuts. So, think confetti all over the carpet.....

So then I have to get the hoover out, and although it is not a Henry, it may as well be as IT and me have fallen out a few times. It will suck up everything sodding thing it isnt supposed to, and nothing that it is meant to.....

And then we go onto the boot of my car. It opens outwards. If I open it and dont lock it into place, then it wont stay open so I have to pack/unpack shopping with one arm whilst holding the sodding door with the other arm, or with my arse. Oh but why dont you just put it into lock i hear you all asking..........because if I do that, I cannot undo the lock as Ford have made it near on impossible to unlock it....

THe hosepipe! Why it is that when you want to water the garden, the hole that the dog has bitten it in without you knowing, is always facing towards you as soon as you put the tap on............

I shall not even begin with said dog!

My shower also hates me

I will run it till its nice and warm before I climb in. Get all wet, start shampooing hair and suddenly no hot water. I swear my dh pissed himself he was laughing that hard. He then took pity on me and chucked warm water at me from the sink. Bliss

I've had similar fights with clingfilm - I've found there is a direct correlation between the cheapness of the clingfilm and it's lack of co-operation/evilness/ability to attach itself to fucking anything except what your are trying to wrap.

How could I forget my espresso coffee maker? It's not just fighting with me, it's emotionally torturing me. I love it dearly - I couldn't live without it - and how does it repay this loyal affection? By randomly switching off the pump and/or refusing to produce steam when I'm at my most tired.

It hates me - I don't know why, I've only ever loved it.

the lids from fruit shoot are in league with the hoover

Jenny mine had a weird phase like that. One of it's crappy plastic joints had come loose, so everything I sucked up was spat back out again. I'm sticking with a much more old fashioned design, but at least it bloody works.
We still have the evil dyson, as dh can't bear to part with it. It sits in the corner of my living room as it's too bloody big for the cupboard, staring mournfully at me. I am never, ever going to use it as I know it hates me with such an unbridled passion.
I don't care for the hand dryers much either.