Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

Oh please let there be a penguin in the bagging area next time.

Bobbles and hair grips. I spend the equivalent of the GDP of a small country on hair furniture every year but dd1 eats the hairgrips (she must do, where else can 1,546,246,476 of the fuckers go every week) and when I need to do dd2's hair quickly in the morning I can't find any fucking bobbles. Then when I'm hoovering up they all magically reappear in the hoover hose. Fucking bastarding fuckers. I have a short crop. It won't be long before the dd's do as well mwahahahaha

Wandering rugs, COATHANGERS omg we have millions of the fuckers but never enough of whichever size I need at that precice moment, socks, recalcitrant hoovers - pretty much all of the above tbh makes me properly angry.

I was about to get a Henry but dh insisted on glueing the dyson back together.... Lucky escape by the sound of this thread!

So even fancy pants dysons dont do stairs. Mines a hoover hoover its a sod that leaves me with half hoovered stairs

dh can't understand how I managed to break two dysons (spell-check helpfully suggested 'disown' which sums it up ). I've now put him in charge of doing the stairs to see what happens...

My hoover apparently the hose extends up 13 stairs does it hell it goes halfway up and the hoover tips over i hate it. My hand held steamer dripped and scalded me its now in the back of a cupboard

RealHuman

Oh god, the bagging area. I refuse to use it anymore. How the fuck is the item unexpected? You just told me to put it there!

My dishwasher. I feed it carefully with the best products, ensure rinse aid and salt are kept topped up and it STILL insists in sloshing the food around onto random items then baking them on leaving rock solid smears on everything. Bastard thing.

"Please place your item in the bagging area."

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

Oh god, am on a roll here... That stupid robotic voice: 'Please remove last item from the bagging area'. I HAVEN'T PUT ANYTHING IN THE SODDEN BAGGING AREA! THERE IS NOTHING THERE!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Oh and the mid-thread advertising banners on mumsnet. Getsmyfuckinggoat! No matter how carefully I scroll down on my iphone, it opens to some twat of an advert! Well, I've news for you, Mumsnet. IT DOESN'T WORK!! cause I'm so pissed off I refuse to read it. And you trying to get me to read it has merely developed the speed at which I can now quickly click back to the thread so I don't even clock the name of the product. So there. I win.

Bastard Henry here too. He thinks I don't take him out enough (he has a point). But when I do, he plays funny buggers. Like today. There was me thinking 'thankfully, for once, he's behaving. Coming to heel when I need him to'. Then, fuck me, he lodges himself behind the sodden door. Refuses to budge. Stubborn sod. And - after one last warning, I yank to get him to move... And he does that toddler thing of throwing himself face down. Deadweight. And even though I can't see his face, I know he's smirking. He knows he's won. I've tried holding out (cause that used to work with dds when they tantrumed on the supermarket floor) but he knows that eventually I'll have to pick him up and beg sweet talk if I want the bloody floor cleaned.

He's in cahoots with the doorbell which randomly ding dongs (it waits till I'm having a wee), making me cut short, get knickers in a twist in my hurried efforts to rush downstairs to answer, only to find there's no-one there. And I just know Henry's sat under the stairs with a fucking smirk on his fucking twat of a face.

Henry does indeed have a wife called Hettie.

I've heard all about their sexual shenanigans, and its quite unsavoury, I can tell you.

they suck each other off with their nozzles

Rose, at the charity shop I worked in, we had a Hettie, she was just as annoying as Henry.

Hasn't Henry got a pink wife, Hettie? I'm sure he has. I hate him though as well. I've had so many fights with him over socks it's untrue. The swine seeks them out.

The lottery terminal at work. Will it scan fastplay cards for me? Will it hell. A colleague finally takes pity on me, comes over to help, it scans first time. Every time. Gives me the rage!

DH is sitting next to me and wants me to include the door of the bathroom cabinet. We've tried magnets to hold the door shut, still pinged open. So now we have a small bolt and it's even pushing that off, DH has to tighten the screws every couple of weeks.

I solved the odd socks issue by throwing out any odd sock I came across, no looking for its mate, straight into the clothes recycling.

In unrelated news I had to buy 10 pairs of identical socks for each person in the house as mysteriously no one had any socks left.

My Henry likes me though, possibly because I am a slattern don't overwork him.

The thermostats for the central heating. We have an upstairs one and a downstairs one. The downstairs one can be a bit tricky to get just right, but the bastard upstairs one only has freezing bloody cold or boiling bloody hot. Those temperatures on the dial are totally irrelevant.

Just have to say, electric coffee making machines (plural).

I have no words.

I thought I was sorted with cling film, the manufacturer over here put a click cut thing in the flap - so you pull it out, click down the flap and it cuts it perfectly, bloody awesome. Except that DH went to Costco and bought the biggest bastard roll you have ever seen. So big that the box is long gone, it's just a roll of greasy plastic rolling around the bottom of the pantry collecting rice and fluff and over here they call it 'Glad Wrap', I'm never bastard glad when I've finished mauling the fucker

I'm so glad I'm not the only victim of tablet issues. Fuckers.

I have a special pad that connects to the baby monitor. It vibrates violently when it detects noise over a certain amount. Supposed to help me as I am deaf and cannot hear my children cry when in own room.

Useful it may be but my god does it need a thrashing sometimes. Baby cries buzzzzzz stops.

Ok maybe he was just dreaming. Roll over,go back to sleep buzz buzz buzz Turn monitor off to get up BUZZZZZZZZZ

WTF!! How are you still going!!!I turned you off! Fuck off you are making me dizzy!

I swear the fucker laughs.

Yes, to the fucking tablets. Only in my case I find the only time the information leaflet isn't blocking the tablets is when I open the box wanting to read the leaflet. So the tablets are blocking the fucking leaflet. How does it know?

Cling film. And the bastard printer that works for every other fucker apart from me

I won the fight against my old Dyson. That wanker spewed shit everywhere and didn't pick anything up no matter how much my mother insisted they were "the best Hoovers in the world". Well I had the last laugh.. I threw it outside and bought a miele pull along instead who LOVES me. My mother wanted me to fix the Dyson so I could have it as a spare.. Why would I want that smug, abusive bastard back??