Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

My pan cupboard. I hate the bastard thing. It's a wrestling match every single cocking day

Ffs, bastardised?!

Bastarding..

I came on to say Henry the Hoover and his bastardised falling over shenanigans but I see I've been beaten to it.

I have 3 long handled brooms in my larder resting just inside the door by the hinge. If I open the door they always fall into the gap so when I shut it again it bounces back and twats me in the face. Every. Single. Time.

These things. See picture. No idea what the bastards are called.

If there is one of these on the door frame it is guaranteed I will rip part of my arm off on the fucker as I walk past. Sharp bastards. I've lived in this house for 12 years and I still haven't learned to swerve the fuckers as I walk through doors.

The spark ignition on my gas hob is meant to be automatic.
It buggering is not.

Turn on gas. No spark.
Turn off, turn on. No spark.
Repeat..... And SPARK!

Gas ring is now alight.

spark spark spark spark spark spark ark spark spark spark spark.
Bloody thing won't stop sparking.

Turn other gas ring on and off repeatedly until sparking stops.

Lie down to recover from gas poisoning

Oh GOD and we're in the process of decorating upstairs so one of the bedrooms is full of stuff. I'm talking piles of clothes, under bed storage drawers in the middle of the room, etc etc. Except our wardrobe is still in there so I have to go in every day and I keep falling over everything. Raaaage

Cupboard of doom in the kitchen. Full of tupperware, medicine, endless baby bottles that we don't even fucking use apart from like 3. I'm too short to reach the top shelf so I have to kind of throw things up there and then everything falls on my fucking head every time I open it.

I have a step stool but fuck if I'm going to use it to lob a tupperware lid into a cupboard.

I had (notice the HAD) a washer that I had to regularly threaten with a wooden spoon. The button to turn it on/off would get stuck, and of course to open the sodding door you needed to press the button!

Our boiler hates the cold, or anything that blocks the pipe leading to the outside. Last time it was a leaf that caused it to leak all over the little cubbyhole it's in, flooding the kitchen at the same time our current washer floods the kitchen...

DP's bag is also another one that ends up with my rage. It lives in our (very small) hallway and I've kicked up every single day for the last three years, same with DP's boots. Once I fell over them and kicked them so hard they hit the wall, I felt immense satisfaction at the resounding THUD, but DP wasn't impressed.

I am crying proper tears reading this - haven't laughed so much in a long time!

Mine is door handles. I don't know how I get my sleeves and pocket caught on door handles so often. I'm never expecting it either so I get a big jolt. One day I'm going to take them all off the doors.

Ah see I love my Henry. It's the only hoover I've had for more than a year without it blowing up or me hurling it out of the front door and 'breaking' it.

But the fucking bastard Vax steam cleaner. I hate it. I bought it so I could be FABULOUS and waft around steaming and cleaning everything. Instead it regurgitated boiling water everywhere. It kept cutting out so I had to wait for it to heat up so it could carry on spitting out boiling water. Bastard.

It is in the Cupboard Of Many Things. In it's box taunting me .

The vacuum cordless fucker, jams constantly. The shed door has a long held grudge with me. And I have no idea how to use the play station remote.. Non.

Our freezer has decided to stop freezing the top half of its drawers and only freeze the bottom half. Dh has looked at it, we have defrosted it twice, adjusted the temperature and changed the drawers around and the bloody thing will not refreeze. I had to throw stuff away. And then the door broke so we have to tie it shut. Every time I want something out of it I have to untie it and tie it back up. Ffs.

The water softener has decided to pump it's salt granules through our water pipes. It has clogged them up and broken the dishwasher. Charming.

I used to have a Henry. I actually managed to break it by kicking it down the stairs once too often. The wheels went through the body and I had to replace the body bit. It lasted another couple of years before I did it again but I couldn't find the replacement bit so I gave it away and bought a lovely Meile instead. So far the Meile seems to like me.

I have broken so many things in this house thanks to my inability to deal with insane inanimate objects. I usually have to replace stuff before dh notices. Me and my stuff have issues.

Hangers Hate me, and I hate them right back.

Oh, forgot one. The shower attachment from the bath. Here's what I go through, washing my hair:
cold
cold
COLD
REALLY COLD!
Perfect temperature
Oooh, bit warm
Hot
Hot
AAAARGH MY HEAD, SO HOT!!!

Stupid, stupid thing.

My washing machine keeps getting stuck in Child Lock mode . I'm tempted to take a brick to the fucker.

Have a heart people! He's only doing his job

What, falling over like a bastardhead?

My duvet - it crawls away inside the duvet cover, and leaves me shivering under just a couple of thin layers of cotton. The only time it doesn't do that is if I am too warm, and could do with cooling off - oh yes, then it lies there, inert and too bloody hot.

And pillows - why do they hate me? Sometimes they fall into the perfect,soft shape under my head, cradling it in wonderful comfort. Not often, though - usually they lie there, sullen and lumpen, either the texture of rocks under my cheek, or fading to absolute nothing and not supporting my head at all.

Mine are socks: where do the fuckity shits go?
Christmas lights (don't judge, just sorting them out) tripped over those twats today nearly ended up falling arse over tit down stairs.
Steak knives, they live in one draw, come out maybe twice a week...sometimes there's five in the draw sometimes there's six, where the hell does the sixth one go? It's has a better social life than me

My quite expensive and supposedly superior Bosch washing machine (which I've now had for two years as the reminder letter from John Lewis has just recently informed me and I can insure it for repairs in the next three years for a mere £150 )

Anyway, I put the things in, close the door, press start and EVERY SINGLE TIME it beeps at me that I haven't closed the door properly. So then I have to shove my whole size 16 bulk against that door via the hips. Then it will start. Every time. 7 days a week for 2 years. Fucker.

Oil your shredders, people!

Poor dh is currently in a endless battle with our washer dryer. The kitchen flooring has become collateral damage.

(Personally I'd just buy a new one but I'm under instruction not to)