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Original poster

To ask what happens when you have a massage? Only something weird (I think) just happened to me.

181 replies

scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 20:52

So, I used to live in Switzerland for work, and a perk of the job was a weekly massage in a fancy spa. Excellent stuff, always went for a Swedish, was always happy.

I've moved to London and been looking for a place near work that can I can pop into as required. Just come back from my first session - had booked for a Swedish, which is the only type I've ever had.

It was nothing like the technique I am used to! In fact, I'm a little weirded out/unsure if what she did to me was normal at all!

So, may I ask - when you get a massage, what type do you get, and what happens (step by step, if you can)?

OP posts:
RockerMummy184 · 24/09/2015 22:39

I've only read the first few posts but I can't stop thinking about the episode of Friends where Ross massages the man with toy cars and salad spoons. Grin

WicksEnd · 24/09/2015 22:37

'Ill try again but be much clearer beforehand'

I read as: 'I'll try again but be much cleaner beforehand' Grin

Well, indeed! You'd want to make sure your butt cheeks were nice & clean. Grin

HitsAndMrs · 24/09/2015 22:33

Unfortunately I'm up north scatter so I'm not familiar with London, sorry. However, if you can find one that doesn't pull your bum cheeks I think you're onto a winner! Look into local salons and read reviews - usually on their facebook page. Good luck!

TheOldestCat · 24/09/2015 22:32

DH did a course in Swedish massage and they were taught to stay well away from the buttock area! His massage is all about the back, neck and head. Sorry to hear you had this bad experience and hope you feel less achy soon.

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 22:28

Hi Hits! Do you know anyone good in London you can recommend, the closer to Bond Street the better?

I don't want to say the name of the place I went to today as it was a little independent and I didn't have bad service, just a confusing one, so don't want to slate them.

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 24/09/2015 22:21

Enough to feel significant strain on my anus. I asked her to stop this. It still hurts now.

This made me laugh. Sorry.

I think you should find another masseuse.

HitsAndMrs · 24/09/2015 22:20

I'm a massage therapist, Swedish body includes knuckling (could it possibly be this that you thought was the chin?) effleurage which could explained the pressing down, although it should be more sweeping. It does include a spine stretch but this doesn't incorparate the bum at all so I don't agree with what she was doing there - that is extremely personal in my opinion and I don't see any benefit from pulling apart your buttocks. Ouch!

Sallygoroundthemoon · 24/09/2015 22:15

It sounds fairly normal for a Thai massage but very weird for a Swedish one :).

CocktailQueen · 24/09/2015 21:57

Well good luck with going back.

God knows what she'll prise apart next time.

Grin Grin

I love massages, and have never ever had one like you describe. The bum thing?????? eurgh. Horrid. And the chin?? Bizarre. I'm used to masseuses using their forearms to slide up and down your back, and do those chops on your back, but that's it. Weird!!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 24/09/2015 21:51

Where was this?

Horsemad · 24/09/2015 21:47

Well, I've never had a massage (apart from when DH gives me a back rub Wink ) and after reading these descriptions, I'm fairly certain I won't be trying one!!! Grin

iwantavuvezela · 24/09/2015 21:47

whothefuckissimon that description of the Turkish massage had me snorting put aloud.

I was once given a massage in Malaysia at the blind institute, or something like that. So when I was offered a male masseuse and asked if I minded getting down to shorts shirt, not worried in the least. (Obviously had been dressing conservatively while travelling around) Only when I handed him a wad of notes afterwards, he counted them, gave me exact change. I remember saying "but I thought you were blind" , and he muttered something like "well I do wear glasses"

In fairness there was no surprise wet finger in my belly button

Bakeoffcake · 24/09/2015 21:47

Well good luck with going back.

God knows what she'll prise apart next time.

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 21:41

Maybe bakeoff. It wasn't bad, and I'm sure I'll feel the benefit later, but I prefer something more relaxing, & somewhere you actually get what you book in for and I think trying a few places before I find my regular is a good idea.

She may very well be the best I come across near work. In that case, I'll try again but be much clearer beforehand.

OP posts:
Racundra · 24/09/2015 21:40

Next time? Shock
I don't think I'd be going there again.
Simon's sounds even odder... Hmm I would have slapped her hand away before she'd taken a breath- no-one touches my navel!

Bakeoffcake · 24/09/2015 21:39

Christ that's very odd..

Are you thinking of going back?

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 21:38

Maybe light, maybe. But christ I'd never have signed up for that in the first place!

I suppose next time I try somewhere new I need to make sure I ask what the plan is first.

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 24/09/2015 21:35

The pressing down and slapping sound normal to me. Cheek parting not so much, and I can't think of any therapeutic benefit you could get from it. Weird.

Lightbulbon · 24/09/2015 21:34

Maybe she was trying to 'release' wind! Blush

poorbuthappy · 24/09/2015 21:31

WhothefuckisSimon I have just cried laughing at your post.

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 21:30

No Reality - Am I missing a reference here?

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 24/09/2015 21:30

Were you offered any biscuits? Hmm

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 21:29

That all makes sense Scremersford, but what I'd booked was a Swedish.

OP posts:
Scremersford · 24/09/2015 21:27

It sounds like she was trying to loosen up and manipulate your whole spine, not just bits of it, and of course your spine reaches down to just above your anus. I forget what its called but its the bottom bit of your lumbar spine. A good massage therapist will treat the whole area, not just the bit you complain of (your neck) because it can all be related. I actually think she was doing a very good job although it must have felt odd because its so near your bottom. I'm pretty sure this is what she was doing though and that it was perfectly orthodox. If you were to go to a spinal surgeon with a lower back complaint, they would explain this very well. She actually sounds highly skilled and while you might feel stiff now, it will be interesting to see if your posture improves in the next few days and your neck stiffness clears up.

The bit with the slapping of hands all over at the end is called depillage (sp?) and is also a normal massage technique.

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 21:27

Who knows? I'd have liked a bum warning. I'm not traumatised or anything, just confused.

OP posts: