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Original poster

To ask what happens when you have a massage? Only something weird (I think) just happened to me.

181 replies

scatterthenuns · 24/09/2015 20:52

So, I used to live in Switzerland for work, and a perk of the job was a weekly massage in a fancy spa. Excellent stuff, always went for a Swedish, was always happy.

I've moved to London and been looking for a place near work that can I can pop into as required. Just come back from my first session - had booked for a Swedish, which is the only type I've ever had.

It was nothing like the technique I am used to! In fact, I'm a little weirded out/unsure if what she did to me was normal at all!

So, may I ask - when you get a massage, what type do you get, and what happens (step by step, if you can)?

OP posts:
WoodleyPixie · 25/09/2015 13:39

Oh Fanny, thank you for making me laugh with your typo.

Fannyupcrutch · 25/09/2015 13:06

HAHA! best autocorrect ever in the correct context. Yes, it should have been THIGH :D

StayWithMe · 25/09/2015 11:40

"I'm kinda hoping they were stroking up the inside of your thigh Fanny"

Grin hysterical

StayWithMe · 25/09/2015 11:39

Feck! I'm cursed with IBS and walk round with my anus clenched most of the day. If she tried that on me the results would have been horrific. Blush

BlueMoonRising · 25/09/2015 11:33

I'm kinda hoping they were stroking up the inside of your thigh Fanny...

Fannyupcrutch · 25/09/2015 11:10

I love a good massage! My local college has a lovely salon/spa and there is a little older woman that works there. She doesn't look like she is capable of carrying two family bags of crisps but by god she is magic. It's like getting a rub down from a well-trained ninja octopus. When I went to Tunisia the first time I went for a massage and was pretty damn shocked. They massage everything except your pink bits......basically no areola or fanny lips. That's apparently where they draw the line. I had no idea and had prebooked a massage a day with no refunds allowed. I quickly got used to the breast massage but just couldn't get used to a stranger stroking up the inside of my thing.

BlueMoonRising · 25/09/2015 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yorkshapudding · 25/09/2015 10:46

I'm going for a massage tomorrow (DH booked it for me as a treat) and reading this thread has made me a bit perturbed.

Should I pre-empt any unsolicited arse cheek spreading by telling them "no bum stuff!" as soon as I walk in? Grin

Solo · 25/09/2015 10:43

OP, I winced at the buttock pulling! ouch!!

BabyGanoush your post had me shaking with laughter.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe I read your first line as "Swedish boy enjoys knuckling!" Shock

Patapouf · 25/09/2015 10:24

Dear god this is why I will never have a professional massage. I don't fancy anyone prising my bum cheeks apart!!

Bakeoffcake · 25/09/2015 09:25

Well I do wear glasses Shock Grin

The only person who ever massages me is DH. I've always avoided spa weekends. I'm now very glad I doGrin

Rubygillis · 25/09/2015 09:25

Literally the funniest thread ever.

"Well I do wear glasses" and "the slapping of the leggings sounds normal".

TheOddity · 25/09/2015 08:39

Go to a chiropractor. Not as relaxing but they actually know what they are doing and sort out your posture.

WizardOfToss · 25/09/2015 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 25/09/2015 08:22

Swedish body includes knuckling

that sounds like a scary optional extra if you ask me. Shock

and effleurage sounds positively unpleasant and like it might be designed to make you crap on the table.

I was once given a massage in Malaysia at the blind institute, or something like that. So when I was offered a male masseuse and asked if I minded getting down to shorts shirt, not worried in the least. (Obviously had been dressing conservatively while travelling around) Only when I handed him a wad of notes afterwards, he counted them, gave me exact change. I remember saying "but I thought you were blind" , and he muttered something like "well I do wear glasses"

That genuinely made me cry with laughter. Grin

DrDiva · 25/09/2015 08:20

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are sore scatter - please excuse the fact that I am laughing quite a lot at this thread. On the train.
Neal's Yard on Marylebone High Street is quite good and has lots of different styles of massage on offer, if that's close enough to Bond Street?

Rachel0Greep · 25/09/2015 08:13

I've never had a massage, definitely won't be having one after reading this thread.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 25/09/2015 08:12

Gosh how disturbing, I used to love a good massage but not anywhere near my bum!

Aqualady · 25/09/2015 08:11

oldcrow that just proper made me laugh Grin

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 25/09/2015 07:57

What the masseuse did is not especially unusual, but perhaps not exactly a Swedish massage? Some use a mix of different techniques, but if you had requested a Swedish massage specifically perhaps she should have stuck to that, or at least discussed it with you first.

Most people aren't even aware of what the differences are between Swedish, Thai, Balinese, Ayurvedic etc., so probably wouldn't even question it!

OldCrowMedicineShow · 25/09/2015 07:53

Is it possible she may have slipped on the oil and accidentally chinned you or overstretched your bum?

ditavonteesed · 25/09/2015 07:40

nothing to add other than thanks for the howling laughter I actually have tears rolling down my cheeks. I especially like the child wrapped in a wet towel.

Original poster
scatterthenuns · 25/09/2015 07:22

I do not feel good this morning. I am clicking every time I bend, I'm sore and I'm crunchy.

OP posts:
kali110 · 25/09/2015 02:15

My masseuse does press on my arse a bit ( no spreading of the bum cheeks though!) to help with my muscles and stretching.
The slapping of the leggings sounds normAl, good for circulation, can aid reducing cellulite and the shoulder part doesn't sound too weird.
She sounds like she was trying to get rid of any knots in your shoulders as you mentioned problems there.
You can generally feel shit few hours later and the next day but then feel good after.

LovelyFriend · 25/09/2015 00:41

I've had the masseuse all over me with most parts of his body during a shiatsu massage. You do stay fully clothed though.

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