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Original poster

to kill all the spiders?

997 replies

bessarabiantiger · 29/08/2015 16:17

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 14:46

SOUND THE SPLAXON!

Am going to attempt to load my drawings again...

to kill all the spiders?
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wheelycote · 31/08/2015 14:42

Blumin eck!! Isemburg is big and near where you sleep.....I know you've named the little darling but it could've been isemburg who dished out the bite!!!!!

HOOVER THEM ALL UP before they multiply!!!!! Those sticky pink nests come off quite well if you use the pointy bit of your Hoover nozzle to scrape backwards and forwards...bit like scraping wallpaper.

Cockbollocks · 31/08/2015 14:27

I like the fact splaxon resembles splat!

jorahmormont · 31/08/2015 14:17

Is a spider klaxon a SPLAXON?

Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 14:14

.

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 13:28

NOT AGAIN!

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 13:25

Here are my scientifically labelled drawings of Stripus Bastardicus so any experts can help me identify them. But I only had a black pen so you have to imagine the stripes.

And in some cases the legs...

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 13:06

Why do they do that? Do they like the amplification? Are they warning us about the spiders? Or are they JUST TRYING TO GET ON MY WICK?

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2015 12:55

Can't see it clearly enough to ID it, sorry!

Wood pigeons shouting down the chimney is a large part of my childhood. All my spiders are called Boris.
I won't post the pic of my Huntsman spider, it tends to upset people Grin

Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:54

I'm particularly annoyed with Isembard. I had convinced myself that Insane Hobo Clown Posse spiders (that's their Latin name) are supposed to live on the floor. They are floor spiders.

How dare they have evolved to climb up the walls! The whole point of floor spiders is so you have a fair chance of:
a. Jumping on them
b. Throwing the cat in their general direction.
c. Lassoing one and riding it down the High Street.

I am annoyed and I wish to complain to the Spider High Commisioner in the strongest possible terms about this rule-change.

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:42

Would Brian like a flatmate?

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:41

I'm leaving Thumbwitch. They can have the damned house. All the wildlife has gone insane, there's a woodpigeon shouting down the chimney and this fucker somewhere in the bathroom.

I present for identification porpoises: Stripus Bastadicus. The bitey ones.

to kill all the spiders?
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wonkylegs · 31/08/2015 12:40

He's a good one. I think isembard is related to Brian who is currently occupying the corner under our TV table.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2015 12:37

Oh yes, he's a beauty isn't he? Wink

Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:37

YAS! Ladies & Gentleman, I present to you Isembard. Trying to get into my bed

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:35

Please work...

to kill all the spiders?
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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:34

Right. Am going to try Isembarding again.

Cockbollock, wrap your phone in bubble wrap...

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Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 12:17

Bigred, they do quite large poops.

Wonky, I daren't even look at any wonky coving at ours, I imagine it to just be like a spider highway.

Got out of shower to find one (a smol one so not a problem) sitting on my tampon packet. They're doing this on purpose now...

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BigRedBall · 31/08/2015 11:51

They do poo bigred. They poo on EVERYTHING I OWN AND PROBABLY IN MY MOUTH WHEN IM SLEEPING.

Oh God nooo...I think spider poo in your mouth is somehow worse than an actual spider. It's like they're taunting and disrespecting you. Little shits!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 31/08/2015 11:48

This is the time of year I tend to scan the floors, walls, and ceilings as I walk through the house. Blush If I can save myself the heart attack of sitting down and seeing one next to me by doing a quick room scan first, then all's good.

Solo · 31/08/2015 11:46

OMG! Dd and I just watched Thumbs video and Dd screamed and I jumped despite both of us watching it several times before!!!

Youarentkiddingme · 31/08/2015 11:18

Yy to this being like a horror film you want to switch off but just can't!

Hilarious thread - not the spiders but the way you write about them.

wonkylegs · 31/08/2015 11:18

We are overrun with massive spiders this time of year. Last Autumn we were watching TV and I glanced over to DH and on the arm of his chair about to climb on to his shoulder was a particularly big one, I casually mentioned to DH he may not want to turn around right now.... Of course he did. You've never seen a man jump out of his chair so fast.
I've got used to having them around so apart from the odd comment we leave them but I was a bit fed up when we had our sash windows replaced and disturbed the few billion that lived in all the box casings.

Original poster
bessarabiantiger · 31/08/2015 11:17

I'm going to go and shower whilst waiting for MNHQ techbods to help me reveal Isembard. First I have to remove the giant cheesplant from the shower. Because of course there is a giant cheeseplant in the shower...

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Cockbollocks · 31/08/2015 11:09

Thank you. DP Is insisting I stop reading as I'm now trapped on the sofa refusing to put my feet on the floor pulling silly faces whilst Googling spider traps.

Someone clever needs to come up with a spider klaxon!!! ????