How can I be more "French"?

Just realised my posts seem rather po-faced! I love France - lived there for three years and my eldest DC was born there. There are some rather odd and infuriating traits, though - although probably no more than any other people.

YY to 'heavy legs' and you will demand only branded pharmaceuticals from your GP (no generic drugs for you).

You will wear a lot of polyester - this increases as you move south through France.

Your parking will be completely random and on market days you will abandon your car on roundabouts, blind bends, in disabled spaces - anywhere really.

Spend ridiculous amounts of money on cosmetics from the "pharmacie" and spray yourself with Evian water from a can!

You definitely have to practise your French accent in front of the mirror. I must confess that I have sometimes pretended to be French while holidaying in the UK I feel very Brigette Bardot and when DH annoys me I roll my eyes and say "ahhh engleesh men".

Listen to the music of 'Alizée' if you feel like something a bit pop-py. I'm a fan of this as much as of Francois Hardy. Charles Trenet is also an excellent French singer and some of his songs are quite well known outside France.

yy to boiling water that is anything but. French people do not know how to make Brritish tea - fact! Zut alors!

Carla bruni - though technically she is italian but i love her french songs.
Watch the Taxi movies.
do a language course.
drink
eat pate on baguette

dip your toasted bread with jam in morning cafe au lait

make crepes

bonne chance

You must cultivate the art of taking at least 20 minutes to execute the simplest transaction in a shop, being completely oblivious to the growing queue behind you. After all, it is you turn.

You will love Supertramp and Johnny Halliday

For men:

• using a strimmer is a national sport. If you are able to do it wearing only speedos, so much the better
• wear speedos as much as possible
• drive with your left arm hanging out of the window

Oh dear EmilyAlice IKWYM and wear three quarter length trousers all the time with a rather wide bum.

One bite of everything. Just one bite. And if anyone goes back for a second bite, a sort of tut and hiss and a gentle fingerwag.

Get a moped. Smoke while riding the moped.

Buy your wine in bags from the local communal producer. When the bag leaks, cover it with duct tape. Un-taped bags are terribly arriviste. Consider adding duct tape even though your bag doesn't leak.

Also Bof. Bof.

Drink wine with every meal except breakfast.

Start every sentence with "The problem is..." or "It's not possible".
Smoke.

At least twice a month, refuse to go to work. Not just that, park your car in the middle of the highway and make commuting hell for everyone else.

Whack your children in public. Then scream at the when they cry. (This makes me so )

ppeat and you will return to Il de Re many many times.

Novelty is not a French trait!

The french people here on the whole are much friendlier than Londoners but we are in the country. They actually ask us back for aperos and dinners\parties.

emily .

That reminds me of the family who DS stayed with last year. They asked him about what French food he'd tried and discarded his answers as they mostly came from Provence and were thus as foreign as Chinese food.

Yes The Word And you will all go together to the Isle de Re' or Oleron and take your bikes on the back of your car. !!Also if there's a bank holiday you'll extend it to the weekend and call it the bridge or 'Le Pont'

Understand that there are only four meals for your region and serve them in rotation. Dismiss all food and wine that is not from France as inferior by definition.
Wear strange unmatching outfits in polyester when you go out. (I live in the French countryside).

And you will go on holiday to France. Most likely you will drive.

This thread has made me smile.

OP you need to educate yourself in the work of French philosophers. Then you need to go back to work and have at least two more DC.

Dinner will be at the same time every night. No flexibility. Everyone present. And though the food will be delicious it will be very repetitive. And you will drink only French vinegar wine. One glass, two max.

No I used to think that but I like dark not so sweet chocolate and that's better here. Belgian is too sickly for me Allalone

Oh and you must have shutters on your house ; they are keeping us cool at the moment ,I llove them so much.They keep you cosy in the winter too.

Cutlivate a hissing "s'arreter" Sometimes adding a swipe at your dcs if they talk a little too much or touch anything in a shop.

Sadly some french people repress their dcs a LOT.

Sorry to disagree ppeat but it's Belgium that has the best chocolate in the world, though France is a close second.

Air is excellent background music, so is the cover band nouvelle vague

Put your coffee/hot choc in a bowl tout de suite!
Bring back the French speaking mumsnet zombie thread
Get your French baguette and make a tartine
Lounge on a thinking how old is Johnny Halliday and how much work has he had done and how young is his femme

Go to the local cave and fill up old water containers with €1 per litre of wine for aperos. Then go to play boules.

Don't let your dog greet a French dog. Ever.

Learn to read french menus very carefully or you will end up with gizzards, tripe or sea whelks.

Go out at low tide to collect 'cock' for lunch / dinner.

Agree about the never eat between meals that;s why their breath is not the sweetest later in the day. Though MCdo's is becoming too popular and some are getting fatter and fatter.

heyhey Take little dog into restaurants and feed it at the table

Cultivate a taste for the best chocolate in the world And the best local markets with amazing seasonal fresh food .

As others have said you must now hang around in a bof alors stance

Music...MC Solaar La belle et le bad boy
Stromae Papaoutai
Sebastien Tellier La ritournelle /Look
The whole Amelie soundtrack
Films... Amelie
La fille sur la pont
Romaulde et Juliette
Jules et Jim
Betty Blue with obligatory poster
Leon
Green card

Kir royale...mix some ribena with some fizzy white wine

Whenever we stereotypethe French and their gallic shrugs I always think of the Apprentice candidate who asked: do the French love their children?

Music
Edith Piaf, Johnny Halliday, Daft Punk

Food and drink
Aperitifs - pastis.
Apericubes.
French wine only, ever.
Champagne!
Santé, not cheers.
'Salad' is a bag of lettuce at most.
Raclette!
Maximum one veg with meat.
Cheese before dessert, always.

General
Have resting bitch-face until someone speaks French, then become animated and charming.
Always wear the colour and style of the season.
Be très chic. At all times.
Perfect the Gallic shrug.