How can I be more "French"?

Has anyone mentioned Contrex yet?

Oh I like Vincent Delerm!
My (English Francophile) mum went to the Sorbonne, spoke seemingly hundreds of languages fluently, was an amazing cook (although never allowed me near the kitchen) and raised me with an iron fist. Also vv keen on suppositories. Remember her suggesting a garlic one to someone in my presence and being mortified...

I always thought I'd live in France at some point. My French is rusty but as long as I know what I need to say I can usually work a way around it from my GCSE knowledge and only sometimes get caught out as apparently I have a 'good' accent!

No one has mentioned fondues - meat ones. My mum had about 10 sauces she'd make by hand for these sizzlers! In hindsight I don't think I'd let my daughter near one at 5 which is the earliest I remember being allowed my own fork!

Move to France, obviously.

Talk in obsessive detail about food to distract from the fact that you barely eat any of it.
Believe that your husband would be perfectly justified in leaving you if you dare gain so much as a kilo.
Shovel food down your child's gullet until they are at least eighteen months old lest they attempt to eat it themselves and get messy. or is this just my sil?
Visit the doctor for every cough and sniffle.
Treat every relationship as a romantic 'love story'.
Don't breastfeed, or if you must, only for a maximum of three months. They do belong to your husband after all and he'll be wanting them back.

MDR= mort de rire= LOL

The ice cubes in rosé are only for the aperitif with specific types of rosé. Other rosés are served chilled.

You need to strike more and develop a love for pointless admin.

The other day I was queuing up at the supermarket checkout behind a French lady...I was a little disappointed as she didn't live up to any of the stereotypes. She was slightly overweight, not particularly stylish and her trolley was full of processed food

Download the song 'fanny ardant et moi' by Vincent Delerm, nothing makes me happier!

Look bored.

Talk very quickly, but nonchalantly.

Infact, do everything nonchalantly.. apart from in the boudoir

Wear classic but incredibly sexy matching underwear.

Tie a little silk scarf around your neck.

Be Thin.

Wear a cardigan/coat over your shoulders but don't put your arms in the sleeves- let the sleeves hang down and instead fold your arms infront of you.

Walk quickly, but never break a sweat.

Listen to Carla Bruni on your ipod.

Cultivate an unintelligible French accent so that your English speaking counterpart has no clue what you're on about. Then mock their French should they decided to communicate in your language instead.

If you're ever involved in writing any sort of documentation on anything at all, make sure it's only available in French while encouraging your employer to market themselves as an international player.

Ask all of your business contacts of the opposite sex to for a drink at your hotel bar. Practice an exasperated sounding 'anglais/es!' In case they decline your invitation.

a poor, incredibly talented art student from the 6th arrondissement

Well, one of these things is not like the other...

There's a book called French Children Don't Throw Food which is good

Except the author's own children, I hear.

Wear no makeup and flat shoes but still be the sexiest person in the room.
Start every sentence with 'buh, en fait...'
Develop hypochondria

On the beach, you will relax on a very low chair and a parasol. You will sit in the shade all morning but still have a wonderful tan. You will leave the beach at 1pm for a long lunch and return much later in a different swimsuit, which also fits you perfectly.

If you work, ensure any presentations or documents use at least 10 words where one would do.

None of the French people I know have a BO problem, either.

"loads of french woman are fat ol alcoholic porkers"

I hear that there are some fat women in France profonde but here on the French Riviera, they are all slim & well-dressed. Even the old ones. I worry that they may be euthanising fat seniors.

Re alcohol - Being drunk as an adult is very bad form in France. You just don't see it anywhere near as often as in the UK.

You need that aniseed drink, pastis??

have rude children who go to England?

Have quite bad BO?

loads of french woman are fat ol alcoholic porkers

SHIT these threads annoy me

If you have a saints day holiday off work on a Thursday don't bother to go to work on the Friday. There are lots of saints days!

Go home at 11.50am every day for lunch and return at 2.15pm from your two hour break.

Do not snack.

Rent your house.

Laugh at any adults who eat cereal for breakfast.

Eat utterly delicious food and drink only the best wine every day.

On Saturday, get on your bike and ride really fast for three weeks. Don't forget to include some mountains.

Sleep for 3 hours every afternoon.

Get a public service job, and do it spectacularly disinterestedly.

When you get older you must loudly criticise any parent (usually mother) who hasn't dressed their baby to cope with Arctic conditions as soon as there is a cool breeze. Forcibly place hat and gloves on baby whilst chastising parent.

When you set fire to your chimney make sure you have lots of wine for the firemen once they have put out the fire! And all the neighbours who will appear to gloat offer sympathy as soon as the fire engine arrives.

There's a book called French Children Don't Throw Food which is good :)

I was OK thanks Garlick, I was yanked out of the way by a Croatian chap.

I like francoise Sagan as a writer and she is good to read if your French isn't perfect

Otherwise if you want to be a Parisian woman be very jealous and moody and never crack a joke.....outside of Paris you don't have to do any of these thing.

Have a Portuguese housekeeper, an English jeune fille au pair and a fella from the gym up the road.

Wear leather trousers. Have swishy hair. Ski like an Olympian.