Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

The Pontipines and the Wottingers - stop wearing your hat to bed, Mr P and Mr W, let your children sleep in a different room to you, and stop losing them when you are out and about in the Night Garden.

Mary-Lou (Chalet school) needs to butt out. And Joey Maynard needs to move away from the school, and get a life.

And every chick-lit character who sees or overhears something, and then leaps to the worst possible conclusion, causing a mess that isn't sorted out until practically the end of the book - just ask them about it, ffs!

Because Garnie should get a job! Instead of planning to sell the house and guilting three orphans into thinking they have to go out to work.

Mummy & Daddy Pig: teach your son its dinOsaur not 'Dinesaw'

Ron Weasley, don't listen to the haters, I think you're lovely.

Camilla in the Secret History- make friends with some girls and maybe think about changing classes.

Edward Ferrers, you're a drip and Elinor deserves much better.

I'd like to know what's wrong with Garnie in Ballet Shoes, other than I guess she should t have forced Petrova to be a dancer when she so clearly hated it. And at the end, Pauline doesn't want to go to Hollywood, she wants to carry on doing theatre - but she signs a film contract to pay for Posy's ballet tuition. Boo, not fair. So yes actually I see why Garnie might be a bit annoying.

CJ and Toby is canon. There's a line in about season 6, where they talk about those times they forget they work together and go get drunk.

But sorry. I'll keep the imagery of the other one to myself.

Harry Potter - it could just as easily have been Neville. So think on.

JeanneDeMontbaston that is amazing

Red Riding Hood. Are you kidding me? You can't tell the difference between a wolf and your own Grandma?!

Gatsby - Daisy Buncanan is a horrid horrid person - you've chased the dream and found her, now walk away. she's not worth it

so true

Gregory House. Stop being such a fucking arsehole and then playing the victim. Yes you're going to be miserable and alone and you know why? Because you're a twat! Also, have some bloody professionalism. I'm on to your game, House

Also Cuddy, just fire his slack arse.

Angel Clare - how dare he judge and then shun Tess Durbeyfield for her sexual past (which was an act of rape) when he himself had entered into a relationship with a woman outside of marriage?

Good one Talc Scarlett o hara of course and ASHLEy.

In defence of the Robin, she grew into a perfectly competent teenager and was actually the adult in that household for much of the war.

I'm afraid I have to nominate my namesake, Harriet Vane. 'I've hated almost everything that ever happened to me.' Yes, you had poor taste in men when you were younger and you were tried for murder, but you have a First from Oxford, a successful career, a flat in London and enough money to travel when you want to, and friends who respect you and were loyal to you when it mattered. Stop whining.

Esther Summerson. I love you dearly, but for god's sake woman, stop with the eternal "I am not worthy I am not worthy". A simple "thank you" for once would be refreshing for us all.

Harry Potter. It's a great portrayal of your average teenage boy, but seriously. Stop whining and falling out with everyone and the whole thing probably could have been wrapped up by the end of book 5.

Lurcio - his father then manages to book into an inn before you get there even though even you yourself didn't know it existed until ten minutes ago and didn't expect to be in this town until twenty minutes ago etc etc. Stalker.

Apologies if its been said already but that awful couple in Chesik Beach - why didn't they talk to each other? So irritating.

Wendy Craig's character in Butterflies:

I know it's still the 70s, but other women have found feminism, got jobs and don't worry love, the ready meal and the pot noodle are coming soon.

buttered, have you see this? It's genius.

the-toast.net/2015/03/31/the-sequel-to-willy-wonka-and-the-chocolate-factory-that-charlies-mother-deserves/

yy to Grandpa Joe. Lazy bastard.

Michelle Pfeiffer in Frankie and Johnny: Don't fall for it - he's a fucking stalker.

Would like to nominate Grandpa Joe. so he spends his entire life in bed and then as soon as there is a trip to a chocolate factory on offer, he some how manages to get up and about. Entitled much.

Rachel Verinder in The Moonstone. Just tell him you saw him steal the fucking rock and get it sorted out! There was no need to drag it out for that long. Stop being a martyr, and get involved.

Linerunner I'm nominating Lucy. there was all that computer code stuff when she was a child, and now she has become the least believable fictional character. Ever

If anyone in Gone with the Wind needs a talking to, it's Scarlett - but not about Ashley. Yes, Ashley is a drip. And Rhett is a rapist. And that dizzy sensation during sex? That is an orgasm. You can get them without having to fall in love with a man who hasn't got the balls to point out that he loves you because he's too scared you might not be very nice about it.

How Rhett gets a reputation as a dashing perfect hero, I don't know. It pisses me off. His entire character is about having absolutely no courage or empathy while also possessing a sexy pair of shoulders and some nice suits.

Richard Griffith's character in The History Boys needs more than coaching. He needs investigating by Operation Yewtree.