Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

Dr Lydgate in Middlemarch: stop fucking blaming your wife for being a real person rather than the projection you decided she was when you married her just because she's pretty. Don't complain that your wife isn't a proper companion for you when you married her because she was pretty.

Arcite and Palamon in the Knight's tale. FGS Emilie hasn't even met you, she doesn't even know you're alive and you're spending years of your lives feuding about her? Morons.

Bobby in St Clare's: FFS you are the Colin of the class. Practical jokes are a PITA and not funny, just annoying.

Elsa in Frozen. Just tell your sister why you can't touch her, instead of spending years making her feel rejected and desperate for love.

Aragorn. Stop mooning over the drippy, whiny, annoying Arwen. Eowyn is amazing and much better for you.

Jo March's Professor Bhaer: Jo's penny dreadfuls aren't damaging society; far from it, in fact, as they'll be actually promoting literacy, by virtue of being interesting.

Brodie Farrell - stop being so bloody selfish and wake up to the fact that the world does not revolve around you. I'm not surprised John dumped you, if you treated him like you treat Daniel.

Was coming on to say Jo March. ...but many of you got in there first

FFS, this is the second thread in a week where my marriage choice has been questioned.

Catherine Earnshaw/Linton- yes, spoilt drama queen.
Jane Eyre, bit of a prude. Shouldve told St John Rivers to sod off, rather than wringing her hands and allowing herself to he guilt tripped.
I did find myself routing a bitfor Gwen in Mallory Towers, she was clearly a wrong un, but Darrell and Sally could be a bit po faced.

Tony Hill in the Val McDermid books. Stop mooning over Carol Jordan, pop a little blue pill ffs and go with the flow.

Carol, stay off the vino and follow your heart.

Marian of Knighton in the 2006 TV show. Be aware that hell hath no fury like a black leather -clad evil henchman scorned.

My namesake - Darrell, you have horrendous anger issues and really need to seek help with them. As annoying as Gwendoline Mary might be, slapping her so hard the slaps 'rang out around the pool' was a bit far. Stop having to be the best at everything, and don't be so po-faced when a new gel doesn't respect Mallory Towers as much as you do.

hygge I was just going to post this!

Kate Archer. Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, go to the bottom of the garden and eat worms.

Willy Wonka - you are not quirky and eccentric, you're fucking creepy and a judgemental twat. Sort yourself out.

Paris, for nicking Helen and getting everyone in the shit, and then being an utter twat to Hector

(I'm paraphrasing Homer a little here)

"Garnie in Ballet Shoes"

Why, what did Garnie do? Although GUM needs a talking to. Stop gathering up babies, some of whom aren't even orphaned, and posting them back to your niece while you pootle around the world spending all the money.

Lord Peter, don't be such an arse as to ask some woman to marry you when (a) she's only just met you and (b) she's got a lot on her mind like her impending death from a miscarriage of justice.

Give it a month or two, eh?

Clytemnestra: it isn't Cassandra's fault. She's just another victim of Agamemnon so don't kill her. It's okay to KTB (kill the bastard) but you need a better plan, because this one won't work. It turns out Iphigenia isn't dead, any way.

True. Maybe there's a suppressed feminist alternative ending out there, cobbled together by Christine de Pizan and Margery Kempe. I would actually pay good money to hear their creative writing club discussion. 'No, Christine! I remember about bumsex from before my vow of chastity - it's not a misogynist plot to humiliate us at all!'

Agree about yelling at Dr B.

This made me laugh, I must yell at Donna every episode. And Dr Bartlett - don't give up being a doctor! You can't just lurch around the White House all day.

"Go shag some Greeks and be happy." To be fair, she does, doesn't she? We've only got a load of old bloke authors' word for it that she was miserable and repentant.

Magdalen Vanstone in No Name - stop reproaching yourself. You may have schemed to get your rightful inheritance back, but the people you schemed against were TOTAL BASTARDS. Try to enjoy life, and thank goodness you're not as boring as that good-girl sister of yours.

Harry Potter, why haven't you noticed the only people wearing glasses are you, Trelawney (and she's almost a squib) and Dumbledore with his reading demi-lunettes (which appears to be more decorative than functional)? Doesn't that make you wonder why a lot of your friends know Optical Laseris Therapeuticus, so that's yet another thing they're not telling you.
Willy Wonka, can I see your CRB documentation please?
Captain Corelli, stay off the lorry, it ain't a picnic in the hills they've got planned.

Wuthering Heights.

Cathy's parents. If you want your son and daughter to have decent lives, please listen to me. Just bloody adopt Heathcliff legally and properly, and take care to treat him as Cathy's brother from then on. Not a servant of the family or whatever you were planning. Otherwise he is going to fixate on Cathy and she is going to fixate on him and it is going to be more unhealthy than you can fathom. And keep that son of yours under control and stop him trying to keep Heathcliff in his place.

Lily Bart in The House of Mirth. Now I can see why she sees herself almost as an object - that's due to her upbringing and the time and milieu she lives in. But FFS swallow your pride and marry one of the several eligible men who keeps asking you, if marriage is what you want!!!!

Desdemona. I'd recommend that you listen to Emilia by the time you get to act 3...

Bells from Twilight: the bloke told you he wanted to suck your blood on the first date, and you MARRIED him?!

Ana from fifty shades: go find someone who doesn't think their undercarriage is the answer to world peace.

Bella's Father from Twilight: you're a police officer, you know how to hide a body and get away with it. Just saying.....

Jon Snow get your head out of your arse and keep Ghost with you at ALL times. Trust NO ONE.

I've got a bone to pick with your Dad too actually. FFS Ned! You've destroyed your entire family because you were too soft and slow to do what needed to be done and actually told the queen your entire game plan. What's WRONG with you?!

Garnie is really badly educated, though. She can't cope with a 7 (?) year old's maths work. So I wonder what she could have done (though she is, plainly, mostly not getting a job because it's 'not the done thing').