Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

Goethe's Werther: stop whining. It's just a fucking crush and two years from now you'll be laughing about it and obsessing over someone else. If you don't off yourself first, that is!

Romeo: You spent the entire first act blathering on about some other chick and now you're all suicidal about some girl you've known for less than a week? Seriously WTF?!?

Ned Stark: Pragmatism. Learn some! It's no good having principles if you're not going to be around in order to stick to them!

Creusa: run. He's not worth it, and he will abandon you because he is a patriarchial wassock.

Dido: ditto, but really, did you need to kill yourself over it?

To everyone in One Hundred Years of Solitude: There are hundreds of names out there! Have some originality.

If we're doing King Arthur:

Guinevere, while you were mooning over Lancelot, other women in this book have been inventing dildos and killing men who talk back to them. Seriously, there is a (twisted and dodgy) radfem paradise out there. Go get into it.

Gawain, please stop being such a giant, giant wuss. Just kiss the boys. It's fine. Or, alternatively, break with tradition and put some bloody clothes on when you know random women are going to come into your bedroom.

Medea, get therapy love.

FFS Pandora, bury that sodding box and forget about it

Icarus, listen to your dad

Ooh, we're on to Greek mythology are we? This could be epic
Citizens of Troy: step away from the horse, it's a trap.
Leda, that's really not a swan, and why would you take a swan into your bedroom anyway- their wings can break your arm, you know.
Phaedra, he's your DSS ffs, and Ariadne is not your friend.

Antigone, seriously love just go and bury your brother. Your dad's a right cunt.

Stephanie Plum. You have two hot guys available. Fucking choose one will you?

Also - this thread is excellent, thank you all so much!

Edmund, there's no such thing as a box of Turkish Delight with no strings attached.

Fitz (Robin Hobb 'Assassins' series) - if there is a wrong decision to be made or an erroneous conclusion to be jumped to, he's your man. Most frustratingly own-worst-enemy protagonist ever.

The Giving Tree: it would be much better if you were to accidentally drop a branch early in the book and at least seriously injure the little boy so he stops coming to steal bits of you thereafter.

Merlin, King Arthur, Lancelot, etc: a bit more calm discussion and a bit less rushing about rashly without any planning or falling into obvious enchantress's traps (see turkish delight, above) would be much more sensible.

JeanneDeMontbaston and Mardy am glad I am not alone with my Grandpa Joe campaign. That script is genius.

Tyrion Lannister, your Dad clearly despised you and your sister is shagging your brother, stop drinking and shagging and leave whilst you can...

Oh My Godaskbasil those two idiots from The Knights Tale and the moronic king from A Winters Tale virtually made my A Level English lessons a hotbed of rage and frustration, only tempered by my contempt for Thomas Hardy and his horrible poems about his first wife ( until she died)

Lady Macbeth - perhaps focus on some self improvement rather than nagging your poor dh to provide more.

how about learning to drive?
Or counselling?

Lady Marchmain. What a vile, vicious snob. Some snobs can be funny and charming because they know they are snobs but she has no self -awareness. There is a spectacularly nasty bit about how her brothers died in WW1 for the benefit of common people. And the prize remark about how she envies the poor because it's so much easier for them to find God's grace. Well give it away and join them.

Her children were bloody annoying too. Imagine having to spend any time in real life with any of them. And Charles Ryder is a besotted idiot.

Anna Karenina - basically the Russian Emma Bovary.

at Cigars' rant about Ishmael. Quite right. Have you seen the digested digested read: "Man finds whale, man loses whale, whale finds man, the end".

Yy to Angel Clare.

Also Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars I. Look, just take the kid's mother with you too, it's the decent thing to do and it'll save a lot of bother in the future.

Peter fucking rabbit.snidy little spoilt brat. I'm with Mr Macgregor.
The mother in Cat in the Hat. Ffs, you needed to go shopping that badly? There's a fucking psycho 6ft tall cat going to "Play" with your dc. Then he fucking comes back! (When you are forcing your kids to shovel a ridiculous amount of snow) Childline!!!

Fat Controller - Ditch the steamers and get some reliable trains. How the heck do you make enough money to keep such an unreliable railway running?
Laura Fairlie - Just follow your heart and stuff what your dead father guilted you into and social convention. You'll save yourself a lot of bother.
Ishmael - seriously, no one cares about the stupid ship, the stupid whale or any of the other over detailed boring crap you go on about. Go and have some actual fun and don't expect anyone to read about it.

Rinkrash

Hermione Granger: Just - Why Ron?
Dumbledore: Surely you didn't need to spread those memories out over the WHOLE year?
Neville's family: Really? You'd potentially kill him to check he is magical, rather than just wait til he is 11 and see if he gets a letter?

Leovinus: It's a space ship. You can't love a vehicle (I'd be impressed if anyone else got this one).

Random Dent: Don't blame Arthur. It's not his fault your mother was so neglectful. Blame her. Or Zaphod perhaps, for starting it...

There are more, but they've melted from my brain in the heat...

That bloody woman in Chesil Beach. stop being so bloody feeble.

Hercule Poirot: sometimes things just are round, or messy, or natural. DEAL WITH IT

Lorraine and George McFly: really? You really didn't notice that your youngest kid grew up to be the spitting image of the mysterious young man you met in 1955, even though YOU ONLY WENT AND NAMED SAID KID AFTER HIM??