Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

Lord of the Flies
If you boys don't stop fighting, share the conch nicely and stop being mean to Piggy, you are all going to find yourselves on the naughty step! Your mothers would be ashamed of you behaving like that.

Richard Hannay - you know that mysterious evil svengali figure with the exotic background who is the baddie's guru when it comes to all things criminal and mastermind-ish? It's your mate Sandy in disguise. Infiltrating the enemy camp in a way that's impossible for even the greatest evil genius of the British Empire to spot. Yet again. He only does it in every single book.

I don't know about give a talking to, but I wanted to kick Jimmy Porter's head in.

The dad in The Tiger Who Came To Tea looked like a cool dude though. Wish he'd been my dad.

Forrest Gump - Look for the menu. You can actually choose the flavour of chocolate you want. HTH.

Icimoi - that reminds me of another one.

Romeo - check for a pulse and signs of life before topping yourself. She is drugged but not dead and will wake up and find you dead.

Ooo! I'm not Jeanne but will look out for the Cold magic books.

Fred, Velma, Daphne, and Shaggy. It's the guy in the mask. Every. Time. Stop falling for it.
Scooby your sense of smell is supposed to be several billion times better than the humans. How can you now know?

Dido: ditto, but really, did youneedto kill yourself over it?

Jeanne, get yourself Kate Elliott's Cold Magic trilogy; she has a much more satisfying re-telling of Dido and Aeneas and you might love it.

Loving this thread, have reported to ask for it to be added to classics.

Chris in Miss Saigon: don't you think it would have been an idea to check whether the love of your life was still alive before marrying someone else and fucking up her life as well?

Bone from Hangover Square - keep your money in your wallet! They aren't your friends and Netta is a dreadful alcoholic who's blatantly shagging Nazi Peter.

Rincewind - it's not all potatoes and running, you know?

And stockings, tea. Lipstick and stockings: get behind me, Satan!

Elizabeth Proctor: it is NOT your fault your husband cheated on you with the maid.

And John Proctor: She was a child, ffs! Precocious, yes, but still a child. And don't then blame her when it all goes sour.

One of my very favourite books, Cold Comfort Farm, was written as a pisstake of overwrought country dramas. The heroine spends the book doing exactly what this thread is doing, and telling all the doom-laden characters to get a grip and sort themselves out. It's fabulous.

Keep 'em coming, these are brilliant and I need my mind taken off more serious matters

Best. Thread. Ever.

Susan of Narnia: just for info, apparently you're going to go to Hell for wearing lipstick. On the plus side, it'll mean you don't spend eternity with aslan and your pious twat siblings...

Little red riding hood - Granny is a werewolf, that's why she lives alone in the woods, visit anytime but not the full moon.

Pigs - get together and build a brick sty - you will be all the better for it, you can live a blissful and hippy communal vegan life

Rapunzel - cut your hair off, tie it around a bedpost and go get a life, stop waiting for some tosser with a hair fetish

Jar Jar Binks - step away from George Lucas now - you are the worst bit of the 3 other films that try to be Star Wars

Oedipus. Don't marry Jocasta. There will be a world of trouble and you'll get yourself a bad name. People will talk about you and your complex for years.

Lois Lane - look again. Imagine him without the glasses. Look familiar?

Harriet, I do agree. Btw, I don't find you v irritating. Ld Peter is much more so, save when he explains how awful he finds the world. Or is playing Bach or Scarlatti to himself.

Hamlet, you're too old for all this emo teenage angst. Show some consideration for A Level students and go out and get a job and stop all the soliloquising and dithering about. And while you're at it, dump Ophelia, before Horatio gets tired of waiting for you to realise who your true love is.

Truly wonderful thread. All my most loathed ones on here, Jude, Lear, Emmas Woodhouse and Bovary, Cathy, Dorothea.

Othello. He just needed to be told not to be so stupid.

Anne of Green Gables to stop pissing Gilbert, a nice if boring young man, around. And stop writing stupid whimsical poetry. Her awful twins. Just go away, please.

Lily Dale. Oh get over it.

Catullus, stop whinging. Your fault for writing erotic poetry about a VIP's daughter ( can't say who..)You were bloody lucky not to get the poisoned toga treatment.

Rabbit. Please please remember to take your Ritalin with your carrots.

Carrie Bradshaw. Just stop.

Peter and Jane's parents, give that poor animal a proper name. Pat the dog wasn't even funny the first time.

Heidi, seriously? How the fuck is your poor old toothless grandma supposed to eat months old rolls with the consistency of rocks?