Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

Postman Pat. No you do not need a helicopter to rescue a postal job you have cocked up yet again!

Francis Poldark - don't be so fucking stupid. Of course you're second choice. Don't Marry That Woman.

Elizabeth Chynoweth - your mother is an interfering old hag. Marry Ross or shut the fuck up about him.

Ross - CHOOSE! Stop arsing about and make a final decision then leave the other woman the fuck alone.

Everyone at Mallory Towers except for Clarissa, Bill and Mary-Lou.

You're all such bitches.

George from the Famous Five. If she was here today she could have the cover of Vanity Fair and have a little weepfest about how she always was a man on the inside. Instead she makes horrible comments about how soft girls are and picks on drippy Anne. And Timmy is just a dog, it doesn't really have a Mensa worthy intellect and an unerring instinct to sniff out the criminal classes.

Emma Woodhouse did get a good talking to in the book; it's one of the pivotal scenes.

I'll probably get howled down for these but here goes.

Laurie Lee, I really don't care why you got kicked out of your mum's bed. Nor do I need to know what the washing looked like on the line.

Holden Caulfield, you do nothing but whinge. BTW, horses aren't human, they are equine.

The girl in Thirteen Reasons Why, can't remember her name. To be fair she clearly had serious mental health problems, given she killed herself (not a spoiler, it happens before the book starts) but taping yourself talking about every petty teenage wrong someone's ever done you and sending them the tapes after your suicide to make sure they know it's their fault is a selfish, vindictive, sadistic thing to do. I mean the rapist, sure, but the people who started fake rumours about her? They were about 14, and now they have to live with hearing you gleefully telling them it's their fault you're dead, for the rest of their lives. Fantastic moral lesson there.

Also it was a crap characterisation of someone who's actually depressed. GOD I hated that book!

Lamppost - were you in my class? My entire A level class thought Cathy was a spoilt cow who brought it on herself!! Our teacher kept trying to convince us otherwise

The second Mrs De Winter. "Max, either that Danvers woman goes or I do!"

Goldilocks - breaking and entering, theft, vandalism. Stop it.

I agree Mad. I cannot fathom this love for The Tiger Who Came to Tea.
So this tiger rocks up uninvited eats all the food and drinks all the drinks and rather than kicking his sorry ass out you just say 'fair enough then' go out for dinner and buy more food for him. Get a fucking grip the lot of you.

Fer fuck sake scarlett, Ashleys a drip.

Hermione Grainger I know Ron has certain charms but marriage, really? Surely a couple of years of teenage angst and shagging would suffice.

A woman with an intellect as keen as yours would surely ditch him and disapporate off to the wizard equivalent of Oxbridge, meet a dashing young professor (possibly played by Bendict Cumberbatch in the inevitable movie version) and live a fulfilling cultured, intellectual wizard life.

Robb Stark- just go and crack one out in the shower over Jeyne, and then put marry the least worst of the Frey girls. Trust me on this.

Mr and Mrs Lisbon. You keep your daughters in such claustrophobic proximity to you, under such strict rules that they have resorted to killing themselves.
Just let them go out and do normal things with their peers.

Ross Poldark in the book, not so much the series, mooning over Elizabeth, it makes me so mad.

Miss Havisham - you dodged a bullet. Your intended was a prick. Now take off your dress, put it in a box and stick it up in the loft. Send all the presents back. Keep the cake, champagne and pearls. Light a fire. Light the candles. Pour yourself a large glass of bubbly and grab a huge slice of cake. This is your life. Fabulous.

I totally agree with Cathy in Wuthering Heights. I've never felt so misled by what I thought a book was going to be about before I read it! I can't believe no one has mentioned Holden Caulfield- irritating little oaf. Needs to be told to shut up and stop being such an entitled little brat!

Oh and Sophie's mummy: if a tiger pops his head round your door asking to come for tea, it might be more reasonable to stall him and call the police rather than inviting him in to drain your water system.

Has the zoo lost a tiger? Although the tiger seems polite, might he actually be a bit wild and hurt you and your daughter? Is it really wise to be in an enclosed space with such a (self-confessed) hungry animal?

All things worth considering, rather than just 'drat, I've not got a tin of Tiger Food in'.

Heathcliff, read between the lines. She's your sister.

Oh, and Mary-Lou Trelawney. Sit down, shut up, and mind your own business.

And Dumbledore, the Elder Wand looks like anal beads.

What's that about?

I always had a lot of admiration for Isabella.

She left an abusing prick whilst pregnant and unwell and very, very young.

Isabella Linton: stay away from Heathcliff, he's a psychopath who will rape you and impregnate you on your wedding life, is obsessed with a dead woman he thinks was the love of his life, and will generally make your life miserable. Run and run fast!