Did I really say that?...

Last year I was fumbling about with an infuriating self-checkout machine in Sainsbury's.
I was in a rush, hormonal, had had a rotten day and was generally in a foul temper as the checkout seemed to malfunction in some way with everything I tried to scan.
The final straw was when one of the potatoes I was trying to weigh rolled off the machine onto the floor to which my response was spontaneously and loudly shouting at it to "fuck off then you spud cunt."
I then had to finish and pay with my face on fire knowing everyone was staring at the crazed woman who had just shouted at a potato in the middle of a supermarket.
Mortifying.

I could fill up a book with embarrasments - it's like my brain has no mouth filter!

One I remember off the top of my head is the first time I met my DP.

It was New Years Eve, and he was part of a group my friend introduced to me on the night. We ended up sat next to each other for a bit and just having a casual small talk conversation. Anyways, 2 of the group were having a heated discussion and he turns round to me and says "I really want to do something awkward" (to get rid of the tension). My response/suggestion was "What? Like get your willy out?"

To be fair, that would've been fairly awkward. And he did contact me a contact me a couple weeks later to see if I wanted to go out for a drink, so it can't have been that bad....

These are brilliant!

One place-marking word. Classics!

Not mine, but an ex who worked in a cinema had to serve a customer quite early in the day. She was buying tickes for a later showing of a film. She handed over the money to pay, and quite a substantial part of it was in 1 and 2ps. Ex sighed in a half-jokey way and said 'Argh! I hate coppers'. A second later he noticed she was in a police uniform.

Yesterday the boss asked me if I was ok...I wasn't particularly and said I am dealing with some shit at the moment. He told me it was all going to be ok and because I know he's going through some horrid stuff at the moment, made the comment that I believed him when he said it would be ok because his shit was bigger and smellier than mine...

I said 'love you, bye' accidentally to the teenage cashier on the checkout in Cadbury world once
Laughed out loud at that one thanks Banksy

Roobix Yours has reminded me of something I accidentally said to my MIL the very first time I met her, about half an hour after we'd been introduced. They'd come to visit us and we were all going to take our dog for a walk. Our dog had a very complicated harness, which DH and I always referred to as her 'knickers' because she had to step into it and then have it pulled up her legs and fastened, I was sure I'd seen MIL go upstairs and the dog go into the front room, so I marched in saying 'Right then, Missus, let's get some knickers on you so we can go out!' only to discover MIL and no dog! She replied 'I've already got some on, thank you....'

I was in the optician's with the dcs yesterday. After a lengthy visit, I then said to the two women in there, "And now I move on to a peculiar request from my husband...." ??

I then compounded the situation by snorting with laughter to the mortification of dd.

(It was just about new lenses btw.)

There's a mum at the school that scares me a bit yesterday we were both running up to the school a bit late & she said to me 'oh at least I'm not the only one late!' And I said 'yes I'm so sorry' WTF! Why did I apologise to her?!?

I accidentally managed to say I'd be up all night for the erection instead of the election yesterday I tried to just pretend I didn't say it but my friend definitely heard and couldn't stop laughing at me.

I asked my stepdad to milk me. Was making a cup of tea and he was stood by the fridge! What makes it worse is that I was breastfeeding at the time.
Another time I was thinking about buying some of those seamless knickers to wear under a dress I'd bought. I spotted a pair on my mum's radiator and wanted to ask her if they were any good. Except instead of saying "Mum are these your seamless knickers?" I actually said "Mum are these your crotchless knickers?" to a room full of people!

At my grandmothers funeral a few years back my uncle casually asked me how I was to which I replied "I'm alive".

Tbh I used to say that everytime anyone asked me how I was but ive never said it since.

I think that was the last time in my life I ever tried to be cool.

Oh dear Psammed - you never know - perhaps she's a MNer and is reading this thread laughing along with us you.

A few years ago I was at a friends wedding, chatting to a friend. I was 14 weeks pregnant and she said how much she'd like a child, and if she was still single by the time she was 35 she'd find a sperm donor.

I blurted out "ooh, you could borrow DH! He's good!"

What was I THINKING? I don't know who was more embarrassed, me, my friend, or my poor DH who was standing right next to us.

Confused - of course I explained but it sounded really lame (because it was really lame). She graciously accepted my apology, but we never became friends.

It must have been a pretty horrible moment for her, suddenly being confronted by blatant racism from a housemate.

I once said in an interview, after being asked if they could get me anything (tea/coffee etc) 'oh I'd love a Prawn mayo sandwich'. Cue awkward standoff with the interviewer.
It was about 9am and I didn't really want one and have no idea why I said it! Was told they didn't have any and needless to say I didn't get the job!

Oh this is a bloody awful one.

I feel a slight sweat breaking out just typing it.

First day at university, shared accommodation. I was so nervous meeting my flatmates. Really nervous. I was determined to make a good impression and to be a bit cool.

Omg.

We were in the kitchen and one girl was talking about food and where there was on campus to eat and what to do about lunch between lectures... so I thought I was recommend taking a packed lunch with her.

Except I was trying to be cool.

Argh.

So I shrugged in a casual way, and said 'I dunno... packi?' As in, a cool way to shorten 'packed lunch'. But all she heard was 'I dunno, Paki.'

She replied 'Actually, I'm from Malaysia.'

It took me a while to understand because it's just not a word I'd ever use normally. But when I did realise, that awful, creeping feeling of horror and shame was like nothing I've felt before or since.

Feel my pain, mumsnet.

A colleague wished me happy birthday and gave me a hug, to which I responded by saying happy birthday back to him too...........

I said 'love you, bye' accidentally to the teenage cashier on the checkout in Cadbury world once, he looked as confused as I was mortified

I am laughing so much at this. I can imagine the look on the boys face...

Do have a teen Not ?

I was talking to someone I know vaguely on the phone the other day, and as we were saying goodbye, she came out with "love you".

I suspect that this might be a lie and she doesn't actually love me though.

Not me but my DSis was making conversation with a church organist and complimented him on his lovely big organ

I've told this before, but I used to work abroad and was at an embassy cocktail party. The Ambassador's wife usually lived in the UK (kids in school etc). I was introduced to them (never met them before). I asked Mrs Ambassador's wife how she liked living in such and such country and she said 'Oh, I'm here just visiting'. I looked at her and replied 'Oh, has he trafficked you in for sex then?'. I have NO idea... none at all why I said that. None.

I wasn't even tipsy.

God it was embarrassing.