Did I really say that?...

The friend of mine who'd recently tripped over out running was somewhat taken aback when, in a packed supermarket, I commented on her injuries with the immortal words "My, but you've got a nasty gash!". The man who overheard this laughed so loudly that I thought he'd need a change of underwear.

Soon ago has really tickled me. Many years ago, I was telling my then boyfriend's mum about our upcoming trip to Phuket. Only I got a bit muddled in my pronunciation and told her how we were off to Fuckit. I still cringe.

"Fuck off you spud cunt"

I was on a bus with a group of friends, we were standing at the front as only going a few stops. A man went to get off so I went to say to friends "watch out the way for the bloke" only he caught my eye, he was African, and I said "watch out the way for the black". It was very awkward and I got a few dirty looks.

Also, in an interview I totally forgot the word "recently". I couldn't remember it and ad libed the word to "soon ago". Soon ago FFS. The interviewer was but surprisingly I got the job.

I once asked a garden centre assistant if he had any trailing labia instead of lobelia

I also was describing some clouds to DH the other day and said ' look there are lots of cunnilingus clouds today' instead of cumulus / nimbus. Dh nearly crashed the car he was laughing so much ...

I'm glad people were so tickled by my public tuber tantrum.
I had a mortifying fart situation where I was the fartee rather than the farter.
The accidental farter in question was the nicest but shyest, most awkward person I have ever worked with.
While we both pretended it hadn't happened and made our conversation excessively jolly and loud to show how much nothing had happened and no one had noticed I was dying inside knowing how embarrassed the poor guy would be. I think I would have felt less awkward if my arse had barked rather than his.

I am sure one MNetter said they always switched the language of self scanners to Welsh when they had finished with it.... I have never figured out how to do that.

LMAO fuck off then you spud cunt my pelvic floor cant cope with that! Leading nicely onto my foibles....

Whilst heavily pregnant I managed to nudge the table very slowly at work with my knee which I had rested on the table. My colleague said something along the lines of "What to fuck, the table is moving" I cracked up laughing and managed to pee myself a little a lot and had to sit in soggy leggings through sheer embarrassment. I'm sure I also farted a few times whilst laughing during pregnancy and no-one said a word

I once said to a colleague did he have a ruler so I could measure my gap for when my new toy arrived at work.... I was talking about the new printer arriving.

I also had a dress delivered once from Ebay and as a colleague was closing a deal on the phone got said dress out of the packaging to show another colleague.... to my alarm a piece of dental floss (aka a thong) which wasnt mentioned in the advert fell on the floor.... I am constantly reminded by my colleague how I dropped my knickers for him lol

I'm actually crying at fuck off then you spud cunt

I wish someone would say that at the self scan in my work!

Whilst chatting to an older, fairly conservative colleague one day I farted very audibly.
For a split second we both registered what happened then I opted to just carry on chatting as if nothing had happened .
Mortified.

Just cracked up to fuck off then you spud cunt

fuck off then you spud cunt

I have just come out with a really weird noise while trying not to LOL at this in the office.

Smarties has me properly crying here

I have told this one before but here is mine, whilst waiting outside cubs to collect my son

Nice Lady - I have a daughter in guides and that is my son there (points at little boy)
Me - I have 4 myself, a daughter in rangers, 2 in cubs and a little beaver

fuck off then you spud cunt

That is utter, utter brilliance. I am CRYING with laughter.

Psammead I feel your pain, I once shortened 'Alpaca' to 'pakki' when at a farm. I have no idea why. And of course there was an Asian family standing nearby. I just hope they didn't hear me

A long time ago in the university common room in my first year, there was a really, really attractive student who looked very much like someone from home. So I marched up and said "Don't I know you from somewhere?" like some desperate moron. He was ridiculously good looking. And my friend was very interested in his friend, who was sitting next to him at the time.

By a horrible streak of misfortune, they ended up befriending some mutual friends, so I spent the whole year being tortured by him and all his mates walking up to me asking me if they knew me from somewhere. Mercifully they were final year students. I'm not sure my friend ever forgave me for ruining her chances.

On a two day training course, a woman next to me was holding court and talking about babies. I asked her when she was due...her baby was 6 months old

Walking towards a large automatic door, DP said to me 'come on fatty, I'm sure you can manage to get your fat arse through them if you breathe in'. Just as a very overweight woman was in front of us and turned around..

And having to use the phonetic alphabet when spelling over the phone. Only 'N' is for 'knob' and 'C' is for 'cock'

'fuck off then you spud cunt'.

My sides HURT!!!!!!!