Did I really say that?...

Can people stop rewriting smarties, I manage to stop laughing and then there it is again!

A vicar I know one told us the story of how, during a wedding he was conducting said about the bride as she arrived at the altar "she looks as pretty as a picture!".

After the ceremony he was met by his wife who was fuming with him. He'd actually said "she's no oil painting"

Mid-discussion with another team leader about workloads we were going to assign various people to, I stated that "if I get desperate, I'll come and yank a couple of your guys off"

I knew what I meant...but it came out a little bit wrong.

Never lived it down and can still replay every single second in my head.

I walked into my older colleague's office, meaning to say I had a quick question but actually coming out with, "I've got a quickie for you". Luckily he burst out laughing

I was the amused recipient of one of these today at work.

I took a call from a colleague, a young girl who gets very nervous when talking to those higher up the ladder than her, especially when she's on the phone.

Anyway she phoned to update me about one of the offices and said "I've had a good look around Barry's orifice and it's all OK in there".

The poor thing. I could hear her almost stall just after she said it and could picture her going red as she does. I managed not to laugh or say anything though and just muttered something to fill the silence so she would hopefully think I hadn't heard.

When talking to one of dds friends mum, who is very obviously Asian about where she is from. "Oh the Philippines, is that in Europe? " (I've never been good at geography)

My brother was getting served in a shop while texting his dp. After paying he said "thanks babe" to the young lad on the till. My db was cringing.

Smarties I'm sorry you had a bad day. But you've got me in tears of laughter!

And Mermaid too! Great thread!

I'm not sure if I've told this before I here...

Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar nice restaurant when I was a teenager. We often had very "modern" things on the menu, which changed monthly.
One month we had a sweet which was "blackberry clafoutis".
I walked up to a table of four (two couples) to take their dessert order. One of the guys says to his GF "are you having the blackberry clitoris?" Everyone stopped. I sloped slowly off to the kitchens to die in a corner and went back once I could compose myself.

Another from the same pub. We often had "Thai fish patties" on the menu and it was often shortened to TFP on the order slip. I always used to call it as "tight fish panties" until someone carried a plate out to a diner and got muddled up and came out with the panties version

My naturally shy friend was chairing an important meeting of about 30 or so people. She was nervous so I was silently cheering her on but I couldn't help falling apart when she was stalking through the agenda and she said " and then we have Mary ..you've got a rather large slot haven't you Mary?!" Still makes me LOL even when typing this!

Asking the guy in ikea where the poontang chairs were. By his espression I knew I had said something wrong but it wasn't till I got home and googled that I felt the full shame.

Still got no idea how I has even heard the word. Grown up daughter nearly wet herself when I told her thr story

I was talking a large group of people at work through some test questions. I had decided to start with the more simple ones, then they could choose when to try more challenging versions. One keen person asked me about a higher level topic right at the start, so I let them know we'd move onto that later. Unfortunately I said, "Ooh XXX; you have got a hard one there. Hold onto that hard one because we all want to share it later."

I'm a teacher. They (and I) didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I'm so glad people are enjoying my mortifying moment of madness.

Smarties I'm crying here!!

what a great thread!!

my embarrassing moment was when the boss gave me a lift home from work, when we pulled up I automatically leaned over and kissed her full on the lips, said "cheers for the lift darling" and got out the car - before realising when I saw our car on the drive that she wasn't my husband...

work was awkward for a few weeks... and she didn't offer me a lift again...

fuck off then you spud cunt

There's me MNing in the nursery waiting for DD to fall asleep and then Smarties comes out with this. I had to make a swift exit with tears streaming down my face and head straight to the kitchen to let myself laugh out loud. My first genuine internet LOL.

I told my husband about the spud cunt and he is still laughing

It's going to be one of those things that I randomly think and laugh about.

These are hysterical! The trailing labia and cunnilingus clouds and the spud

I've told this before on here, but I think one of my worst was when I was helping a bookshop customer over the phone. She had asked me what self-help titles we had on Agoraphobia. I began reading her a long list, and then cut myself short and cheerily said "You know what? There's loads, you'd better just come in and have a browse!"

Not me but my mum sent me a message today meaning to say 'I feel so sick' instead autocorrect decided to be funny and Change it to 'I feel for dick'

fuck off you spud cunt

These are amazing!

Went shopping the other week and after being served at the till I said ' thanks dad' and walked away. I wasn't even out with him!!! No idea why

rainicorn Proper snot flew out at "soon ago"
That's the funniest thing on this thread

Prawn sandwich....spud...sperm donor...I am hyperventilating here . Here's one of mine. I was getting the drinks in at work and had a tray of about ten klix cups with water, coffee etc. The first desk was my boss's and he was on the phone with his back to me. As I got right up to him and was lifting his drink off the tray, so holding the tray with one hand, he moved a little bit backwards in his chair and bumped me slightly - just enough so the whole tray of drinks tipped right over him - he was soaked and it was probably pretty sore as well. I said (cringe), 'that was YOUR fault!'. I'm mortified even thinking about it now, years later.

Kit kats obviously

I told my fil that 4 fingers were way better than 2.. We were discussing kit lats