Did I really say that?...

I called my colleague "mum" the other day. His name's Rob and he's 25.

I am 6 foot tall and my boss is barely 5 foot. One day she was trying to reach something up high and asked for my help. When I got it quite easily she said that she wished she was taller to which I replied "well I've got a few inches you can have." I will never forget the look she gave me!

I remember reading a post on here where someone had called their child a ' tiny wanker' instead of whiney tinker in a packed doctors waiting room. That had me laughing for weeks!

a couple from me

very important meeting with lots of professionals about our children, I said one needed a bit more wank! (I think I meant welly)

Yesterday talking about the elections and explaining my DH and I are swingers (I meant we hadn't decided yet)

Dafad

Dd was also very young and she got a doctors kit as a Christmas present. We have family over for the day so she was playing doctor and going around to our visitors listening to heart etc. One of our in law family members brought her father along for the day, whom we had never met. Dd went up to him and got her sheet of paper out, put on her doctors glass and asked him "what is your name" to which he replied and she wrote it down on dr sheet. Next question: "are you gay?" . The man eyes went all wide, she misread the question from the kit which asked for 'age'

When my teenage daughter was about 5 she was helping me fill up the bird feeders whilst her daddy was putting together a new bird table. We had put the seeds into the feeders and she asked what went into the other feeders so i explained they were balls of fat. She turned to her dad and said "Have you got fat balls daddy?" Poor daddy was mortified whilst I was rolling around the floor crying laughing!

Slightly different but the thread about ignoring farts reminded me of the time we visited a new build development. The sales lady was walking across to the apartment with DP,me, a middle aged man and his mother. As we walked one of the party let out a loud fart. Everyone just acres like nothing had happened. I was biting my cheeks to stop the laughter and as soon and me and DP were alone we were howling. It wasn't me and he's adamant it wasn't him so my money is on the very straight laced looking old mother.

I'm crying all over my keyboard! I'm not sure whether snogging your boss full on the lips or giving them the finger is worse for career progression.

When I was fairly recently arrived in the UK and not quite up to speed on some of the local vernacular I was telling my co-workers about a cani-cross race I was planning to take part on over the weekend. You know, running cross-country with your dog. Except I was telling my colleagues all about the "cross-country dogging" I was planning to indulge in.

Last week took DD to pick up her bridesmaid dress for a friends wedding.

In the shop a girl was trying on a green chiffon type prom dress with big paste jewels on it.

As the girl swished around and then swished away to take the dress off, while her mum stayed sat in the shop where we were, DD said in an awe filled voice 'Mum, that dress was beautiful... It looked just like one from the big gypsy weddings'

(must add dd is 7, she does not watch this but I think she's seen enough ads covering it!!)

Alchemist - that's the first time I've ever cried laughing at something on t'internet. Walked nicely.... waaaaahhh!

A chef at the hotel where I was working was serving dessert at a wedding buffet. When asked what the unusual fruit in the fruit salad was, he answered 'syphilis' instead of physalis

I was new at my workplace and there were the usual staffroom celebrations for someone's 60th birthday.
Wanting to be polite I went up to Cass, and said 'happy 65th birthday '

Unfortunately it wasn't her birthday.. it was Cath's... Cass is 15 years younger..

I went back to college to do a hairdressing course and my sister in law kept on taking the mock saying I was giving a "cut and blowjob" instead of "cut and blowdry". When doing one of my assessments, I asked the client if they would like a dry cut or a cut and blowjob. I have never been more embarrassed in my life.

And my own embarrassing moment (main one of many!)....working in a very busy jewellers, Xmas eve the shop is full with queue going out the door...a member of staff shouts that the card machine won't work properly...."just give it a good blow and ram it in hard" I call across the busy shop!! Queue deathly silence then hysterical laughter and snorting from everyone in the shop! I nearly died!

Alchemist, I'm crying LOL

I'm temporarily teaching Latin at the moment and this morning I was trying to get them to think of sentences to translate. So I managed to ask a bunch of twelve-year-old boys 'so... What kind of things could you do to a girl?' There was much sniggering .

Hahahahahahaha, Fuck off you spud cunt!! This thread is brilliant, thank you for making me laugh!

I bumped into my ex boyfriend from years ago on a night out and we hadn't seen each other since we split up. We both ended up having a really great chat about how our lives had moved on and at the end of the night he shared mine and my friend's taxi. My friend got our first and I was due to get out second... Saying goodbye I said 'it was lovely to see you, take care' which was fine, but as I shut the door, I added 'byeeee, love youuuu'! Almost died on the spot. I didn't even still hold a candle for him ??

I once when to visit a friend that I hadn't seen for a while. Her elderly grandmother lived with her I found myself (to my eternal shame) greeting her with 'hello, Gran, you still around?'

I asked the man in an ice cream van for a sixty nine once when I meant ninety nine. He didn't bat an eyelid...

I went in to a very straight-laced senior manager's office to ask him to sign some documents. He had his coat on so I gabbled that I wasn't sure if he was coming or going. He replied "I'm coming". Couldn't meet his eye cos I knew that he immediately knew how it sounded!

I was waiting at a crossing with DS and DD when they were small. I had DD's hand and she was holding on to DS, so I had a hand spare and full sight/touch of the DC.

I still grabbed on to the 6ft man next to us and very firmly held his hand until we were safely on the other side. He did tug a bit but then walked nicely :).

I don't know why I didn't let go.

Not me but a colleague

I worked for a building company, and we had a lot of guys on one site when the weather closed in ( this was the year of some big floods)

We rang the site manager at lunchtime and asked him whether he was able to continue working. His priceless reply:-

' no, I'm sat in the van with Kev, we can't get out so I'm pulling him off'

Should say smarties spud one