Did I really say that?...

My mum in tesco the other day asked one of the male staff 'where do you keep your nuts?' I had to quickly hide round the corner! The man in question was quite young and looked slightly perplexed haha

'spud cunt'
I'm crying......

I have quite a fat cat who sits on the windowsill and scratches the glass when he wants in the house (no cat flap)

so he was doing this once and I duly got up to open the door and shouted, "get in here, fatty!" JUST as a (slightly larger) lady walked past.

she just made a weird "ooOo" sound and carried on.

Please Miss (hand in the air) Smarties just made me cry....!!

i once told an IT operator on the phone that "my computers just gone down on me"

Just remembered one, telling a newspaper story to my dh I said how the cock came out of the pilot..... Instead of the pilot came out of the cockpit..

A couple of weeks ago our store manager (late 40's) was doing the close down of the store and asks "whos got the counter cache key?"
I pipe up with "dont worry, mommys got them!" (I am in my 20's) cue much sniggering and comments about how good I look for my age

not long after they introduced contactless payments at work, a male customer put his card in the machine and then notices the contactless thing and asks if he can pay that way. I answered with "oh yes sir, just whip it out" he grinned at me and replied "but we've only just met"

We've recently had our yearly review at work and our very young and attractive line manager said "i'm just taking x for her review and I'll do you next" to which I answered a very enthusiastic "Oh yes please!" cue much snorting from our colleagues!

I was 19 and training to be a manager at my work and way above my head and didn't have a clue what I was doing

We were sat round for the weekly manager's meeting and in walks my colleague and a woman from another site. Colleague introduces her as Jenny.

I then SING the words "Jenny from the block" and everyone looks at me like I'm a fucking idiot and I wonder why the hell that just came out my mouth.

My son's school runs an after-school PE club with a very cheesy name. One week I wasn't sure whether it was running because there were parent-teacher meetings or some such, so I emailed the very straight-laced school secretary to ask her. It was only after I'd clicked send that I realised the subject line of my email read 'Let's get physical tonight'

Talking to genteel, elderly lady last week who told me her pet dog adores men. I said "Oh, she's a bit of a slag, is she?"

Chatting to my new colleagues about music and mentioned that my boyfriend plays guitar. One asked if he played in a band and I said:" oh no, he prefers to play with himself".
Cue sniggering.

Mine is very recent.

A friend posted a photo of her son with a very short hair cut on FB, saying 'oops'. I posted a cheery 'Oh, don't worry, it'll grow back!' She replied 'I'm glad it will grow back.' I thought she was being a little sarcastic and said 'Obviously I know you know that but am trying to show sympathy!' No reply.

Later on I remembered that she has alopecia and wears a (very realistic) wig

I keep remembering and internally cringing now.....

I kissed the vicar at my Grandad's funeral.

And nearly knocked him out with huge hat in the process.

I was in my very late teens and had never been to a funeral before. I thought that's what you did.

I was at my friends house one day who is a lesbian and married (relevant). Her wife came home just as I was leaving and noticed I was wearing pop socks, you know, the socks that are made out of tights. So I turned around and said 'I know, I'm so gay'.

They both laughed it off but I was mortified.

I've thanked the cashpoint more than once

I used to work in travel and a customer was asking about Virgin flights but accidentally said 'vagina' instead.

Awks.

My best friend was moving suddenly from my old neighborhood, we had moved a year before. I was devastated as she was moving far from us and I tried to think of the positives. I told her it would be 'nice to get out of that neighborhood as it was getting shabby'. They couldn't sell their house and ended up staying.

I think we've all been there. I was quite young and doing a training session for 4 males (doctors) on their new computer software. We were talking about screens and I managed to come out with "personally I prefer 24 to 26 inches over the desk". Cue the room falling about laughing and my cheeks flaming for hours. What's worse is I still see one of them regularly as he's my GP!

Lovely to have an actually lol

Snorting at "little beaver"

This Is such a brilliant thread I keep LOLing and can't explain why to DD(spud cunt!!)
My friend one said when using the phonetic alphabet ....7, B for Bertie, Y for wanky??
Another friends had a village newsletter warning her of the recent spate of burglaries in the area and to look out for breaking in through your back door. She forwarded the email to who she thought was her boyfriend. Unfortunately she sent it to a senior member of her office titled 'getting your back doors smashed in' ??????

Loving this, so very funny...
I own a men's hair salon, and a little while ago employed a lovely Polish girl, who shall remain nameless, you will understand why in a min, anyway she was good at her job and her English was ..passable .
One particularly busy Saturday, salon packed with men waiting for a trim,whilst washing a customers hair the darling girl took a huge sniff in, smiled sweetly and announced, very loudly "ooh, I love to smell cocks!"?? A deafening silence followed by possibly the longest ever laughter, screaming, and general man type slightly pervy, nudge nudge type stuff, it turned out the poor girl was trying to say the loved the smell of coconut (shampoo).
I think the guy left her a bloody big tip though

I haven't got any. I must have either blocked them all out or I just know they're not going to be as good as 'fuck off then you spud cunt.'

as a very innocent 17 year old I went on a training day with 5 older male collegues, we stopped for lunch and the dessert was trifle with glace cherries on top. I didnt like them so left mine on my plate, one of my collegues noticed and commented I said "you can have my cherry if you want" cue a lot of laughter

I've a pain in my side from laughing, these are so funny. I know I've said embarrassing things just can't remember, I think I must get so embarrassed I automatically block it out if my mind forever...pretend it never happened