Did I really say that?...

Tear streaming at "soon ago"

Years ago I worked in Mental Health and had to go around, hosting goups, all over the Borough. It could be really exhausting.
One day was especially stressful and I swept in, flustered to my last appointment of the day.
I ran in, and someone siad "how's it going, emme ?"
to which I replied "it's just been insane today, just madness, I think I could go just crazy sometimes"
SILENCE.
I was in the middle of an acute psychiatric admissions ward.
Luckily, they saw the funny side

I was walking along the sea front last year and had stopped to cross the road. Suddenly the man next to me started to cross in front of a bus and I grabbed him, yanked him back onto the pavement saying "NO! BUS!" He and DH looked at me like I was deranged and his wife was laughing her socks off!

Soon ago has me in tears
Sitting in A&E there was a man struggling to get his wallet and parking ticket out and into the machine.
So I leapt up and loudly said "let me give you a hand" while glaring at everyone not helping him.
He was struggling because he was missing his right hand.

.

I used to work with a colleague who would deliberately say things that could be misconstrued. If we needed a catch-up meeting, he'd shout across the office that we needed 'to have a quickie', or he'd show me a report he was writing and tell me he 'had a large one'.

Am still really laughing at 'spud cunt'. Even when I type it.

While teaching English to an adult I was explaining that emphasis can change the meaning of a sentence. The student was having a try with something like 'George can come to the cinema on Friday' but wasn't quite getting it right...

so I offered the (helpful?) feedback that she should 'Next time, try to swallow the come'

I'm fucking place marking, spud cunters!!

I was on a ferry waiting to get off with my bike. There was only one other cyclist, standing next to me with his bike, we chatted a bit. In between chatting i was humming.

Ferry docked and we cycled off. I was surprised to see he only had one leg, I hadn't noticed before.

And then I realised what I was humming.

Jake the Peg.

Arrrrrggghhh

After I'd finished a meeting, my colleague and I left the room, I was holding a few folders and my empty coffee cup, she went to hold the door for me but I managed to do it myself and said ' don't worry I've got it, its a one hand job' she just looked at me in horror , I was so embarrassed

spud cunt ha ha ha

Out for dinner with my lovely friends. Much wine was drunk. No idea why but when it came to pud I asked the gorgeous waiter for stiffy cocky pudding. They found it . I found it . The waiter was .

Catching up with an old friend at a wedding (who had broken her back in a car accident the year before but recovered enough to walk down aisle as bridesmaid) She complimented me on mine and my baby DDs outfits, asking was it a coincidence that they were matching colours? My response 'Oh God no, I got hers ages ago then broke my back trying to find one for me that matched.............' Cue silence and embarrassed wine sipping before shuffling off to die in the corner!!!!!!

I was 21 and working as a response driver in a uniformed service. It had been a busy shift and I grabbed a very quick meal in a corridor. Another call came in as I was eating a banana. Senior boss man shouted, "Come on, are you ready?" I replied, "I'm gobbling it as quickly as I can!" (obviously meaning the banana). Turned to find senior manager and rest of colleagues doubled up on floor with laughter. Their hilarity increased when they had to explain to the young innocent me exactly what gobbling was!!!....Mortified! I'm much more worldly wise now!

Just now, in the garden, playing with a super soaker - DH shot me and then passed it to DS1, who is liable to drown me. I screamed 'Don't squirt me, DS1! Only Daddy squirts Mummy!'

The priest at my daughter's first communion a few weeks ago gave a truly weird sermon which involved dying children and limbless people dragging themselves to church through the African bush ...

He finished by talking about what an honour it is 'to have Jesus come into your mouth'.

I thought my youngest sister was going to have to hospitalised from the pain of restraining laughter.

Obviously having judgey pants on impedes my ability to stfu. Talking with a colleague yesterday and I made a JP comment about babies with pierced ears. He looked and said but my baby has them. Awwwfuck.

First week into a new job....oh my good god.

I was still learning everyone's names, and there was a lady I worked with Poonam.

One day I called across the office for her, because she'd walked away and forgotten her folder.

Except I didn't say "Poonam," I said "Punani" instead, a.k.a the Ali G slang for fanny

Not me, but DP:

We were clothes shopping, and I was getting a very lovely leather jacket. As we got to the front of the queue, DD woke up in her buggy, so I gave the jacket to DP, and edged away to rock DD. The cashier told DP how much it was. It was a lot tiny bit more than he was expecting, and he shot me a surprised look. I had my guilty face on, which the cashier noticed and laughed at. DP loudly called to me, "for that, I hope you'll be wearing it in bed, too!"

Everyone nearby laughed, while DP mumbled and blushed.

Oh this relies on a family saying. Back in the day if anyone's slip was showing we'd pipe up with "Charlies dead" Ok, staying with vair elderly widowed great aunt and her underskirt is hanging out the bottom of her dress....yes I did and yes her dH was called Charlie. Kill. Me. Now.
Once said to my stern boss who was off to a wedding "bye sweetie, don't get too pissed" not a scoobie why.

Yaaaaay!

Yay!

Thanks HQ. And well done, OP.