Did I really say that?...

Since this thread I can't stop giggly at some things I hear everyday (turning into smutty old woman!).
On phone yesterday at work and the guy at the end was checking his colleagues calendar to arrange a meeting. He then said whilst opening the calendar "let me just get it up for you" I had to bite my pen to stop myself giggling!

Dying with laughter at spud cunt.

Mine is years ago now, working in an office. Colleague picks up my phone and says 'kavv it's a lady for you? Think it's your mum'.

I pick up the receiver and (I have no idea why) screech 'MOOOOMMMMEEEEY!!!' at the top of my voice.

It wasn't my mum.

It was a client.

To make matters worse I then proceeded to try and brazen it out in a breezy 'nothing to see here' manner. It did not go well.

The day of my motorcycle test. I walked into the test centre and was pleasantly surprised as how clean it was. I announced at the counter my name and why I was there, the reply came ' Well done love, this is the vets, the test centre is next door'. It only got worse, when during my test I was told to take every left turn, round the block. I didn't. The tester eventually found me and said 'Left turns first, then we will progress to right turns'. I still passed. Better than my sister though who went into an estate agents to pick up her mended watch - understandable I guess - except she had taken it to the jewellers in the first place.

fuck off you spud cunt is killing me!

When I was around 24, I was in the UK for a time, doing a summer job to earn money. Once summr was over, I was going back to

The job was as PA to a big cheese engineer on a very big building site. On my last day, they gathered round with a bottle of wine and a signed card. We were all, gaving a chat, they said they'd enjoyed my company, I'd done my job really well, they wished me all the best in etc, all very typical and polite. I came out with, "yes, I'm going to miss you all. I'll think of you back here in the mud".

Walked past local twee shop. Saw some jugs in the window so went in.

Rather grand shop lady: may I help you?
Me: no it's fine I was just admiring your jugs"

I once asked a girl I know how her mother was. She went all quiet and said, "she died in September"
The stupid thing is I know this girl well, I knew her mother was dying and I don't know how I missed the news that she had died.
This was about 6 months later.

DH was working in Germany in the 90's and mentioned on the phone that he liked some music by a new artist called Barky Bark, he was vague and the line was bad.
As his birthday was coming up I decided to track this new musician down in HMV.
I think it was at the point the assistant had called all the staff over to help him search for this new artist that I realised they were all trying not to laugh. I brazened it out and insisted it could not possibly be Marky Mark and flounced off under the pretense of searching elsewhere.

Think it was 1991... still cringing.

newtothevillage Prawn Mayo Sandwich. sobbing

the other day I was picking my two up from nursery and as usual, DS is giddy and running around. He ran under the feet of three young women, tripping up two of them. I say to him in my mum voice accompanied by the look 'Say Sorry. Now'. The women all mumble 'sorry' to my son!

Crying at most of these.

My friend's very sweet middle-aged mother was visiting the States quite a long time ago for the first time and trying to make her temporary home nice with a live plant. She went to a store and asked them very politely, 'I'm trying to buy a pot plant? Do you sell any pot plants?' and was really surprised to be treated in quite a hostile manner by the owners who told her with pursed lips, 'We don't sell anything like THAT here'.

She was really bemused, and only later when she found out what 'pot' was did she realise what the ladies thought she had been trying to buy.

As a very innocent 19 year old on a student work placement, I was in the office early one morning with a few colleagues, when I turned round to find a male colleague standing right behind me. I jumped as I hadn't heard him approach, and without thinking said 'wow, you slipped in without me noticing!' Couldn't look him in the eye for the rest of the placement...

I came out with a howler on Thursday. Talking with my nurse and a patient about exercise preferences, my nurse is a gym fiend, patient and I prefer going out for walks etc.

Only I phrased it as, "I do love a bit of streetwalking"... Thankfully that patient knows me well enough to find it hilarious but I was reminded of it all afternoon...

kumamon

I have told my shameful story before so apologies for repeating myself.

I was due to return to work from Maternity leave. Was joining a new team within my organisation. I went in to meet the new team feeling all hormonal and a bit nervous. New boss seemed very nice, lovely middle aged, middle class (no children) lady. She introduced me to the new team saying " welcome to Mummy who will join us after her maternity leave ends, she's been away quite a long time so don't worry if she tries to cut up your food". The team chuckly politely.

Do i join in with a polite chuckle, no no no. I reply "oh DD is too little for cut up food yet. I'm much more likely to shove a boob in your face or sniff your bum for poo"

I still cringe thinking about it.

I took my then 15 yo DS to Arnhem and we wanted to check if the bridge we were approaching was the right one.

He double-checked with me what the bridge was called and it was only after he asked in the shop for the John Smith bridge and all the assistants smirked that I remembered it is actually the John Frost bridge.

He was . The shop people were

Just reliving the horrendous moment when, during a salt scrub spa treatment on my 'cleavage area', I said to the young female therapist: 'wow my boyfriend would love to be here right now'.

I just remembered one I said to my DS when he was about 3. I was getting him in to bed and he liked to try and rhyme words so I was joining in and rhyming various things around him. I passed him his muslin he likes to have in bed and said "here's your wanky blanky" . Thankfully it didn't register and he didn't repeat it so I got away with that one!

This has got me really chuckling.

Here's my contribution (that will undoubtedly out me if certain people I know are on here).

I used to sell Jamie at Home stuff and I was unloading my car for my first ever party. My dm's ndn and friend offered to have this party for me so I knew there would be a lot of people there, thankfully!

Her son in law came out to the car to help and I as I passed an item to him I said "Take a look at my big, red bucket, I think you'll love it."

I was referring to a drinks bucket.

He darn well nearly pissed himself.

Loved this thread so thought I would add mine.

Me and the OH had just got engaged and his dad had invited us around for a family meal to celebrate. His new wife's children were there whom I hadn't met before.

The topic of conversation was the wedding...and I blurted out how much I would love a spit roast on the wedding day (meaning a hog roast).

Never managed to live that one down

I edited a book for someone whose first language is not English, and whose writing needed a lot of correction as a result. When it was published, he sent me a copy as a thank-you and I opened it to discover, on the actual printed acknowledgements page for everyone who ever buys the book to see, 'Thank you to spiderlight for putting her native tongue in my mouth'

I'm nearly wetting myself at spud cunt

stiffy cocky pudding

'Next time, try to swallow the come'

Stop making me laugh – I'm going to be sick!

HGV training involves 3 in the cab: 2 trainees and the instructor. One trainee driving, one in the passenger seat watching the other guy's mistakes, instructor in the middle.

The young Disgrace has NO filters. "Just my luck, always on the outside of a threesome". Cue 8 days of embarrassment in a confined space.

"Next time try to swallow the come" Hahahahaha best one ever