Did I really say that?...

Another one. Open plan office, lunchtime. One of the ladies has brought in some sort of tuna concoction in a tupperware box, which she then rinses out in the kitchen.

After returning to her desk, she says to her friend, "I don't think I'll make that stuff again. No matter how much I wash my box out, it still smells of fish!"

These are brilliant. I registered especially to post my funnies from work.

A (male) colleague had a sales rep visiting him and he brought him around for a chat with me and some others. He then had an appointment with someone on the other side of the building. The rep said something like, "I guess we have to go back to the main stairs to get there then?"

Colleague replys "No, there's a shortcut; come with me and I'll take you up the back way!"

Nearly caused me a hernia from laughing.

Absolutely crying at prawn mayo sandwich and spit roast on the wedding day

I used to do the payroll and one of my colleagues was named Ken. With payroll each week or month is called a payroll period.
We had a meeting one day when I started talking about how Ken would have to start his period.......

I am the king of foot in mouth disease.

1. I work for an electricity company and was called one night to wires burning on the outside of a customers property, we are only allowed to fix our wires. If the wires belong to a customer they need an electrician. Went through the house into an enclosed garden while talking to the chap who answered the door. I saw immediately that they were the customers wires and therefore not our problem but he was desperate so I offered to go up and cut the wires to make it safe using insulated gloves. A colleague threw a ladder over the wall and I started work. The man then wandered into the house. The lady of the house then came out behind me and asked “Can you fix it?” I explained without looking at her that she would need her own electrician. She then asked “ Can your company supply one.” At this point I turned to face her and to my eternal shame an embarrassment said “We could love, but it would cost you an arm and a leg.” She had no arms and only one leg. I was utterly mortified, started stuttering and wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I made it worse, I raced down the ladder at top speed and on reaching the floor immediately stood on her dog, a huge howl, some flailing of limbs and I managed to kick her only remaining leg. At this point there was no hope for me, I stuttered an embarrassed apology, flung the ladder over the wall and vaulted over the wall myself. I put the ladder in the van, jumped into the passenger seat and yelled at my colleague to drive. We sat there for 10 minutes because he couldn’t stop laughing. He is now very senior in the company and if I ever go into a meeting with him and there are other people in before I get there I’m usually met with broad smiles because he’s told everyone.

1. Working in a dive shop in Cairns(Australia) while on a career break I pointed out to the work shop manager that there was a lady in the shop who was completely bald. The reply “It’s my wife, she has leukaemia.” Another apology.

1. Ex colleague phoned up to see what was happening and she asked about a member of staff who had severe B.O. and was famous for his filthy habits. “How’s Martin?” She asked, I glanced across at his empty desk and said “The dirty bastard has given everyone in the office conjunctivitis.” I said loudly as he emerged from under his desk where he had been tying his laces.

1. In a meeting discussing bringing extra staff into our set up to cope with our additional work load. I was keen to avoid other people off loading their dodgy staff. I singled out one particular member of staff with a distinctive nickname. “We need to be careful who they send.” I said, “We could get that f@4%ing idiot Wombat.” Everyone went quiet, there was bit of sniggering and I suddenly realised I was two seats away from Mrs Wombat. Another apology was greeted with the words “I know he’s an idiot. I’m married to him.”

1. Recently divorced and starting to date. I was contacted by a girl I fancied years ago. I knew her ex husband as well. Date was going well, we’d both liked each other years ago. We chatted about our lives to date and she mentioned her ex. “What a lovely guy he was, we just weren’t right for each other at the time.” “I know” I replied “Shame about what happened to him.” Was my reply. “What happened to him she said?” At this point you can’t say “Nothing, he’s fine” and I have already proved that when I’m embarrassed my thought processes don’t run smoothly, so on a first date I find myself explaining that her ex had joined the army and at a low point in his life put a high powered rifle in his mouth and killed himself.

Dear Mumsnetters, I’m a nice person, honestly, I really am, everyone says so but I’m also, occasionally a social hand grenade who requires adult supervision.

Bumping by adding my own embarrassing verbal diarrhoea.

At my nans wake, all my family there etc including my gay cousin and his partner .

We were discussing an old picture of my dad in some tight white outfit and my sister asks me what I thought he looked like and I shout out "GAY!" Across the room.

I think it went silent for a moment then everyone moved on like I'd never spoken.

Went to mass, it was the 7th day mass for the husband of a former teacher, met her outside, greeted her and said "congratulations" instead of "condolences" (well, equivalent in Portuguese).

Many years ago, I worked in an office where one of the IT team had to come round to your office to load updates on your laptop. He would come in with loads of long cables and plug all of the laptops into the wired network to do the update. I once asked him if he "dreamt of tying members of staff up with his cables?" I meant because they were irritating, but apparently didn't sound like that.

In an interview asked what my weaknesses were I said "I really like anal'

Dying

the flowers on yours are bigger

Many moons ago I had to wear a uniform for work it was my day off so thought I'd nip in on my way past. I go into the laundry room (to hand in my uniform and pick up a clean one) and she turned and said to me "oh its you. I didn't recognise you with clothes on!" She was very I was

I was chuffed with some new tea I had bought in my lunch break so was waiving the box around the office, cheerfully asking if any of my (all male) colleagues would like to sniff my box. They cringed, and when I realised the unfortunate double entendre I could not stop laughing which really made me look rather simple...

When I was in my late teens I was in my local after a few beers. Noticed that another customer (I barely knew) had the same flowery leggings as me. She was larger than me. I gleefully said "oh you have the same leggings as me, except the flowers on yours are bigger." I didn't realise what I had done until the next day.......

In an interview asked what my weaknesses were I said "I really like anal"
What I meant was that I can be quite anal about certain tasks and get fixated on them.
Why I thought the word anal was a good word to use I have no idea. But I kind of panicked and blurted it out as I couldn't think of what my weaknesses were.

I got the job - interviewer said I don't think anyone has ever said that in one of my interviews before!

Oh - just remembered one. It's DH's, not mine.

His very ladylike old boss had a habit of mixing her metaphors, and cracked him up in a meeting by telling another colleague not to hide her light in her bush

It was a running joke for a while after in our team 'don't make me finger you' we are easily amused :)

Not me but my ex boss (old school matron like lady) - she was looking for volunteers in our team meeting for an upcoming project but no one was putting themselves forward. She was starting to get cross at this point and said 'someone please put yourself forward or I'm going to start fingering people' still no one 'sorry wishful I'm going to have to finger you and Susan- I don't like fingering people but you have left me no choice' I nearly choked on my coffee she had no clue what we were all sniggering about. :)

no it's fine I was just admiring your jugs

Oh geese that made me laugh, take your tip

White and see through

She was probably picturing your dress, Cecy!

Me and dh, before we were married, once went to an old fashioned sweet shop as we were considering having little pick and mix bags as wedding favours.

The lady in the shop was showing us various bags that they could do asked what colour scheme the wedding had. It was white and silver but for some completely unknown reason my brain decided to say 'white and see-through'. She just looked at me like and then .

A couple of days ago I texted DH because I knew he was having a rough day at work. Didn't have anything particular to say, so just texted 'Hello x'.

I text via speaking into phone (partially sighted) and the message got autocorrected to 'Hello ex'

He said that made a bad day considerably worse

I was once messaging my boss and I put "nice talking to you" but my iPhone autocorrected it to "nude talking to you"