Did I really say that?...

had to look up spit oroast as well. ughh!!!
Surely people don't do that?

Soon ago I can't stop laughing

Shameless place marking

umm I had to look up spit roast, genuinely had not heard that particular euphemism before!

Place marking this thread!

Where I grew up, twat and twit were interchangeable and of equal rudeness.

Grumpasaur, what industry do you work in where you deliver workshops on fisting but can't say twat?

Not me, but said to me:
I'd done some modelling and put some pics on FB. A lady came up to me in the gym and said 'Gosh is that you. Well I suppose even the top models look like nothing without all their make up and things'.
It was straight after a fitness class so I wasn't upset about it but she went puce.
She's a good friend of mine now and we laugh about her small talk skills.

I have soooooooo many.

I once told a vicar that I was delivering a workshop on safe fisting- then highlighted key tips on how to fist safely. Genuinely. I did not know he was a vicar, nor that his vicarage was home to my PIL. He did seem overly interesting in fisting, though.

Whoops.

I also said that I "felt like a prize twat" in a very important meeting once. I was new to the UK and thought it meant "twit". Nope!

Oh there are seriously so many.

We were at my mums and my much younger brother was playing with their puppy...

He was lovely and used to stand in my lap and put his paws on my shoulders and lay his face on my face... Like a hug.

My 13 year old brother said 'that's not fair! I wish he would come on my face!!'

I have NEVER cried with laughter reading anything before, but fuck off then you spud cunt has left me with mascara all down my face. you spud cunt! I'm howling!

soon ago is inspired too.

Mine still makes me die inside...

Round at a friend's house, all had a bit to drink. She was telling us about how when she was little she lived in an African country with her dad for a bit while he was out there for work. Some locals had shown her dad some traditional medicine, just for simple stuff like insect bites and minor ailments. Apparently it was stuff that sometimes worked but often didn't. All lighthearted, not said in a mean "oh those backwards locals" way at all. More in a way that folk ailments in any part of the world probably wouldn't work some of the time either.

Anyway. She then went on to tell us about an operation she'd had on her eyes as a child that hadn't worked that well because she still wears strong glasses. And then I piped up "Did you have it done in ?"

Cue awkward silence and everyone looking at me like I'm a dickhead. As I would've done if anyone else said it. I have no idea why I said it either. Idiot...

Fuck off you spud cunt hahahaha

This thread has had me in stitches.

Bit of background - I have tried online dating once or twice. For safety reasons I always have a trusted friend on standby, I text at regular intervals and I have codewords that let her know I am safe. (So nobody could just use my phone and send a fake text if they are murdering me in the woods type thing)

I have a date next week. Telling my mum about it on the phone and I say "and oh don't worry, we'll be meeting in a public place and I've got the safe words all set up" queue an intake of breath and deafening silence as I then try and babble through an explanation. Absolutely mortified

Oh!

gottalent - that phrase is used as another way to say a common swear word (that starts CU......)

Brokeandbad I don't understand your post.

Not me but DH...

He had a very dry, tickly cough and was due to go in for an appraisal so drank lots of water and was sucking on a cough sweet.

His manager asked him how he was feeling and as he opened his mouth to answer his sweet fell onto the manager's papers. He said they both stared at it for a while then DH said "oh that's mine", picked it up and put it back in his mouth!

He was mortified and still doesn't know why he did it. It also left a smeary purple stain on the paper

One Friday evening as I left work I said to my boss (who was off work the following Monday) "I'll see you next Tuesday!" Whoops - we both laughed

Job interview. Second interview and a presentation to 8 people. Not once but twice I referred to excel spreadshites

fuck of then you spud cunt

No words!

Love this thread.

Travelling - I have to say, of all the posts on this thread, yours has had me going and the most so far! You totally need supervision

Mind you, I'm not much better.

Worst one, that still makes me wince when I think of it (and would out me completely if anyone there at the time happens to be on here):
At university, our course were well-known for putting on a 4th year panto. I was one of the writers, and being before the days of personal computers etc. (and possibly before the days of photocopiers too, can't remember!) we only had a few scripts available for the participants.
One of our group was Persian (as opposed to Iranian, because she supported the Shah) and just before Christmas, she was due to fly back to Iran to visit family. She was very nervous that the plane would be hijacked, or that they would get there and not be able to leave again. So, to inject some "humour" I said "well you'd better leave your script here then just in case you don't make it back"

Cue shocked looks and sharp intakes of breath all round and me like fire, I went out of the room with her trying to explain that I'd only been joking and it had been a massive mistake but I'm not sure she ever entirely forgave me :(

These are hilarious, I have years string down my fave!

Some years ago we were talking about a very attractive guy at work who didn't ever seem to have a girlfriend and we were wondering why. 'Maybe he's queer' I said. Why oh why? I've never used that word before - where did it come from? It's just not part of my vocabulary.

Fuck off then you spud cunt. A very rare actual lol at that

Interesting fact 1) I collect pressed glass jugs, they sit in the kitchen window and mostly get dusty and full of spiderswebs

Interesting fact 2) Dh is a bit gungho with crockery and the like when loading the dishwasher, I moan when stuff gets chipped

Interesting fact 3) His parents were visiting so everything had been cleaned and tidied in readiness

I am setting the table, the ILs come in and ask if they can help, I am tutting about a chip in a new cup

Dh denies all knowledge of the chip in the new cup and says "......AND I was very careful with your jugs the other day!"

Blushes all round.