To be slightly mortified

I had just moved to this house, and was getting acquainted with the neighbour. He told me he had just retired.

"How much is your pension?" I asked politely.

Dh is a builder and is always thinking about work, what he has to do the next day what tools he needs etc. One evening after he had eaten his dinner he asked me "Is there any of that lovely Black and Decker pudding you made yesterday left?"
It took me a moment to realise he meant bread and butter pudding!

Jemima

Totally different scenario but that reminded me I once called my GCSE art teacher dad

Has anyone ever said 'Let mummy do it' or similar to a random toddler?

I was at the playground with the dc a few months ago (7 and 4)...they were off playing, I was sat on a bench quite near a sandpit.

There was a 18 month ish boy in the sandpit next to me, and he was struggling to take the lid off a toy bucket. I watched for a few seconds (No parent easily identifiable) and asked if he wanted help, which he shook his head at. He carried on struggling, then looked up and half-held it out to me. So as I smiled and lent down to help, the words 'Come on, let mummy do it' slipped out.

I glanced up and there was a horrified-looking woman standing there, who'd clearly heared what I'd said and proceeded to grab her child away from the delusional lunatic/possible kidnapper and scarper

A colleague in a seminar once accidentally said facefuck instead of Facebook.

I.e. how do we reach these customers? Answer: we could facefuck them.

That will reach them alright.

What is it with talking to people in shops, I wonder?

One year I was planning to get a real Xmas tree as a treat for the DCs. I kept telling them I was planning a surprise but it was a secret. On Xmas tree day, I went off saying to the DC "are you ready for your secret surprise?"

Got to Homebase, couldn't see the Xmas trees, so went up to a member of staff and said.."Please can you tell me where you keep the secret surprises?"

I've done a few of these.

I was in a supermarket, dd was being rude so i said to her EXCUSE ME?! look up and the 3 nurses in front of me had literally thrown their teabags into the trolley and leapt out of the way

Shouted STOP!! at dd in the park, every single child and adult stopped dead still...

My cousin had a poodle named gypsy (many many years ago) and one day the door went so when she answered it the dog ran out and the person standing on the doorstep asked if she wanted to buy some lucky white heather… she said she had no money on her and said sorry.
As the lucky white heather seller was walking out the garden my cousin shouted the dog back, booming GYPSEEEEY at the top of her voice, the woman ran back to the door and put a "curse" on her!!!

chicken

hilarious! Sorry OP!

HouseAtreides, I found that quite touching! "Thinking about Dr Who"

when DH and I got married, i ended up in hospital . DH was sitting on a chair with his legs sort of crossed and his hand resting on his shoe (of course he had polished in honour of the day). Later on he put his head in his hands like you do when you're tired, I looked at him and he (obliviously) had a huge black handprint across his face

I really wanted NOT to tell him but I was laughing too hard to keep it to myself.

Since then he always does something to make me laugh when I'm in hospital. Brightens the day!

*choose

Haha saskia that really made me laugh.

I once took toddler DS for a walk down to the shop to buy him some magic stars, we walked into the shop and he picked up an orange shouting "orange please" and without thinking I just replied "no, we didn't come for fruit, we came for chocolate" safe to say I got a few funny looks for discouraging my son's healthy appetite!

He's still the same now, he won on the coconut shy at a local fair and the lady offered him a box of chocolates to chose one from and he said "could I have a carrot instead please?"

These are brilliant!

I once called my boss Mum in the middle of a meeting with lots of other colleagues. It took me ages to live it down.

Sallysimpson - someone who is rude to the cashier, and doesn't say thank you, needs telling! They should be ashamed, not you!

"I answered a perfectly normal question in a tone that suggested she wasn't going to get any sweets for a month."

That made me laugh out loud, SaucyJack!!

I once brought most of the playground at school to a dead stop. Ds3 was about 3, and was running around whilst we were waiting for the bell to go, and his older brothers to go into school - and I spotted him at the newly planted flower beds, about to pull up a plant. I was too far away to grab him, so I shouted "Stop that NOW!!" - and everyone froze on the spot, and looked at me like this - !!

I nudged the person sitting next to me on the bus and said in a very enthusiastic tone, 'Ooh, look, a rabbit'. Unfortunately, the person sitting next to me wasn't DS, it was middle aged man who gave me a look that suggested I wasn't quite right and then got off at the next stop.

My cousin is great at doing these sorts of things.
She was babysitting her parents dog called Skip when they went on their holidays and was also having some major home renovations (obviously must thrive on being busy).
Anyway, she was getting rid of the old kirchen units and rubble and the skip removal people turned up early one morning when she had just come out of the shower.
She ran to the door and opened it forgetting about the dog, who shot out onto the road. So she ran out in just a towel yelling for him to come back. Only when she saw the bemused face of the delivery man she realised that from his perspective my cousin had run out half naked chasing the lorry shouting "Skip, Skip" at the skip loaded onto the back!

DH offered me a taste of his Dr Who once :o
He was drinking a can of ginger beer but thinking about Dr Who.
"Would you like to try my Dr Who?"

Another one from me as I couldn't decide which was worse..

Having just rang the local takeaway one Friday night, my DH and I stood in the kitchen talking about 'what we would like for dessert ' it was a full on naughty conversation. suddenly I hear "Hello? hello?" I hadn't put the bloody phone down had I!? Oh. My. Life. I made DH answer the door to them ever since haha!

I have done this. Called a customer 'baby boy' no idea why.

I once said 'love you' to one of the kids teachers at parents evening instead of 'thank you' ffs.

I worked in a supermarket and at the timewas always saying 'thankyou' to my toddler after he asked for something to try and teach him his manners. Anyway somebody came to my till, I handed them their change and when they didn't say thanks I said 'thankyou!' In a very superior tone!They just looked at me like wtf !oh the shame I went bright red !

I went to say thank you to the bus driver as I passed him getting off the bus the other day, instead I inexplicably stopped right next to him and just said "hello".
Then we both looked at each other with suprise before I mumbled my apologies and got off the bus.

I was paying in a supermarket the other day and instead of saying Thankyou I said curry in a rather strange tone, luckily the girl started laughing

I answered a perfectly normal question in a tone that suggested she wasn't going to get any sweets for a month. Hahaha SaucyJack

I went to school with my trousers on inside out today. I had just got out of the shower and was in a rush. I didn't realise until I got home. I'd stopped to talk to loads of mums too. Dd gleefully told me she had clocked it straight away but neglected to tell me as ' I thought you were being you mum'
I could die of embarrassment.