To be slightly mortified

And I also remember as a 3 year old myself getting lost in a supermarket, finding my dad's legs again and telling him "daddy, you have very dirty shoes" only to be told by a most embarrassed man "I'm not your daddy".

I'm a solicitor and on my return to work after maternity leave spent with new baby and my vehicle obsessed 3 year old I was in a meeting with clients when a really large snazzy red tractor drove past on the main road outside. Of course I interrupted my flow with "Wow - look at that Tractor". I'm sure they were really impressed!

Nothing to add (obviously must have blocked mine from memory) but these have had tears rolling down my cheeks!

Even DH is laughing out loud.

Working as a receptionist I nipped to the customer loo as ours was broke, came out and bumped into a patient who was busy corralling 3 children and was getting a bit stressed.
I moved out of her way and she asked me if I had wiped properly
She was mortified poor love but I couldn't stop laughing for ages!

I'm reading these out to my Mum and we're laughing. My Dad has to keep pausing the tv.

He is NOT amused

To be looking round Chatsworth stately home, the sun was streaming in through the huge window in one of the dark bedrooms, rendering it quite hard to see (my excuse and I'm sticking with it)....I sidled up behind dh, gave him a quick surreptitious bum squeeze and whispered something suggestive about the bed.....

Pity dh was pissing himself laughing across the room whilst the young foreign tourist looked aghast at me......

I was in the public loos one day with my 3yr old DS - who had insisted on going in to a cubicle by himself - I waited outside (he hadn't locked the door) and after a few minutes I shouted under the door "do you want me to wipe your bottom for you?"

I then realised I had shouted under the wrong cubicle door

These are hilarious!

My best friend and I have a running put down of 'ohhhhh suck a dick'
Instead of saying shut up (I know I know, sorry!)
Anyway my new boss was giving me a bit of a ribbing for making a mistake and I said 'OOOHHH suck a DICK ' very very loudly
luckily she has a foul mouth and pissed herself laughing but I was utterly mortified!

Got on the bus and asked the driver for 20 silk cut once.
Spent a whole train journey talking about famous people I'd met and whether they were nice or not. When we got off the train my work colleague told me the woman opposite me with wry smile on her face was Zoe Wannamaker.
Must be public transport related for me!

I normally only drive either by myself or with the kids (youngest is 4). At the moment I have a student with me at work. She has been very understanding at me driving around corners saying 'weeeeeeeee' and making funny noises going over bridges. Also she has been very diplomatic and my comments about the fluffy sheep.

I literally have tears reading these.

I literally ran into Michael Howard at Victoria Station and then said to him "oh shit, it's Michael Howard'.

I also nudged my new work colleague in the ribs and said " look, it's the Sir Nigel Gresley' (it's a train and I thought I was with DS!

as a newly qualified science teacher, I was once instructing a new Y10 class to put their bags on the counter/workbench that ran all along the back of the classroom and down one side under the window.ONly I couldn't think what this shelfy surface thing was called and told them all "please put your bags on that back-side there"

OMG, I wanted the ground to swallow me up!

My DH wants to know why I am shaking with ears running down my face.

Best thread I have read for ages

My mum had 3 children under 5 and when my Dads boss came around for dinner my Mum leant over and cut his meat up for him!
Also in school one of the teachers I work with ended a telephone call to a male parent with the words 'love you!' we were rolling around the staffroom!

In the craft block at my secondary school, the metalwork and woodwork rooms were downstairs, and the cookery and needlework rooms were upstairs. The school had been a secondary modern, where the girls did needlework and cookery and the boys did metalwork and woodwork - so the boys loos were downstairs, and the girls loos were upstairs - and because everyone knew this, they didn't bother putting Girls or Boys on the loo doors.

The year I started there was its first year as a comprehensive, and there was a shakeup in the curriculum, including crafts - everyone did all the crafts, and I started off in woodwork. I needed to go to the loo, and headed out - the loo didn't say Boys on it, so I went in. I was a bit perplexed by the strange sinks and there being only one cubicle, but went to the loo anyway. It was only when I came out, and met one of the boys from my class coming in, that the penny finally dropped!

Thankfully he never told anyone about my gaffe - which was a bloody miracle, considering that I was already being bullied by that point, and he was friends with the bullies.

These are amazing

I was in a supermarket once and saw my cousin from behind looking at the magazines. I ran up grabbed her shoulders and shouted 'boo!!' right in her face.. Turns out it wasn't my cousin?. But to make it even worse it was a girl from school who I had never spoken to but we knew who each other were.. I had to pretend it was normal to act like this with her and asked her how she was whilst she stared awkwardly at me nodding her head.

In the same supermarket (haha!) I saw my friends gran so I ran up to her saying 'hiya how are you? Ive not seen you in ages!' .. It wasn't her, it was Audrey from corrie!!

I'm usually really good at faces as well

I had a child with a broken arm.....at home
I had a patient at work... who had two broken arms, at supper time I said... "let mummy cut your dinner up for you"
Patient did not miss a beat and replied "only if mummy will kiss my hurty arm better"
we both went bright red and then laughed like drains

MolyHoly - that is just brilliant!!!

Once on the way to a girly weekend - me and three friends in the car - i looked out the window and spotted a field of pigs pointed at them and said loudly "Ooh what does the piggy say? The piggy says oink oink" complete with full on piggy snorts.

Oh how my friends laughed and they still rib me about it even though my youngest is now 17!

You bad bad mumsnetters, I'm going to have to sue you for ribs damaged whilst laughing uncontrollably!

One time I was in a lift with the DC and quite a few people were getting in. realising we had to all squash up I grabbed DS by the shoulders and said in quite a stern voice "will you just move back so these people can get in" . Only it wasn't DS next to me it was a short Asian man! DS was on my other side We had to share the lift for 10 long floors!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Oh my good fucking god I can't breathe