To be slightly mortified

I sent an email to my whole team asking if anyone had any shit preferences..

I'm on maternity leave, and during the winter I spent a lot of time going stir-crazy in the house with no one to talk to but the baby. One day, in between rain showers, I put baby in his sling and set off up the road to the local shop. When I got there, the nice man behind the counter wished me good morning. To which I replied with a cheerful "Peekaboo!" I haven't gone back since.

DM was visiting me and my brother. This is more than 20 years ago when we were students.
We are not British and although DM has excellent command of the English language, occasionally things go awry.

DB had trouble getting up on time so we went into John Lewis to buy him a mega loud alarm clock. DM had suggested we get one of those irritating "cockadoole" crowing ones.

She marched straight upto a member of John Lewis staff and said: "where do you keep your talking cocks"

All with a completely straight face as she had no idea what she had just said. DB and I were literally on the floor crying and a number of JLP staff dove down behind their counters attempting to muffle their laughter.

I won't even try to tell you how long and complicated it was to explain to DM what she had said.....

I've just read meerkat post about "ears running down her face" and now still at dentists 'ears' are running down mine .

aah, currently giggling quietly at dentist surgery and getting funny looks . I don't care, this thread has cheered me up today no end.

In labour with my second child, no drugs but gas and air. Getting to the end and in massive pain. The midwife said "as soon as you feel the first twinge of a contraction, start really taking the gas". So i feel a twinge and i go for it, breathing the stuff in like mad, then i realise i'm not contracting and am off my face on the gas and said "this stuff is fucking awesome when you're not cumming". I meant contracting obvs.

makeawish

One day out shopping my bf at time waited in car. When I had finished shopping I got into someone else's car .sat in passenger seat ..looked at driver..rather than explaining my mistake I just stared at him and blurted 'no thanks' and got out of his car

Slides in, keeps head down as being dyslexic this situation is a daily problem. Love the fact im not alone!!! Keep it going mntters... X

This should carry a triggering warning.

I just love the Morgan one and how much is your pension?

Which triggered off a memory of being at my aunts party. A male relation through marriage who had lost his wife a few years previously and had brought up their daughters on his own brought along his new bright bubbly girlfriend who also had been widowed in similar circumstances.

So the whole family were delighted that in mid age they had found each other until some stupid little Dowsie( Dozy would have been more appropriate)

Asked his new squeeze how old she was.

When I really meant ' how long have you known one another?'

Oh the shame!

( they married and had a good few happy years together!)

[grin ] tooold

makeawish you have just reminded me of another one.

When DS was about 15, driving home from work, I would often pass him, sloping shoulders, odd teenage shuffling walk, along the street with his bright blue backpack dangling from his shoulder, would pick him up and go home together.

I saw him one day when I was in a silly mood. Kerb crawled alongside him and through the drivers window seductively growled (Eartha Kitt style) ' come for a ride in my car little boy, I have puppies and kittens to show you'.

Do I really need to say more?

The man, for he was such, took one look and legged it.

These are hilarious!! Although I don't recommend reading whilst feeding an easily distracted baby!

Oh I needed this laugh today

Magic roundabout ffs

I'm wiping the tears off my face!

I'm laughing and cringing with embarrassment for you all.

( probably because I've been there and done that.)

Love the trousers one btw hash brown.

Think that wins the prize. It's up there with chatting and smiling to everyone with a piece of lettuce stuck on your teeth.

( ouch!)

Best thread I haven't stopped laughing . Rembering when asked for directions I said 'turn left at the msguc roundabout' and once in a supermarket I saw what appeared to be an elderly man struggling to pack his shopping ..I thought I would do a good turn and offer him a lift home with his shopping. I siddled up to him and said quietly 'I've got a car outside' ...he turned around...a youngish man stated at me and said 'so have i '

I was in a department store in Paris heading for the exit. A woman was coming towards me and as I dodged to one side, she also dodged to the same side.

As i rebounded off the mirror I stopped and said loudly and in great surprise 'oh! It's me!'

When mine were small, I was constantly teaching them to cross the road only when the green man came up at lights - and never mind what the silly grown ups did, running across the road when the red man was still showing.

One day, waiting to cross, they both set off to cross the road while the red man was showing. I growled 'GET BACK NOW AND WAIT'!

Two middle aged men very sheepishly came back to the pavement and mumbled apologies. I was mortified.

My sons were at school.....

DS can't say corn flakes to save his life. It comes out fucks sake. Took him to asda you can guess where this is going shopping. Walking down the food aisle and at the top of his voice shouts "fucks sake mommy"

Me hushing him up quickly "yes darling corn flakes"

DS loving his new word and a recent introduction to McDonald's. "McDonald's breakfast fucks sake mommy!"

Lots of evil looks from the OAP's doing their weekly shop.

I once ended a conversation with a client with "Bye, love you"
I, like a pp, have used my 'mum' voice on various people. Recently, I told DD to stop doing something in a lovely pleasant voice, whilst saying "Thank you" to the cashier in a tone that suggested she had kidnapped my first-born.

Oh I've just remembered another couple.

Dd had just started nursery and I'd got to know one of the other mums a bit and knew she was my age (32) and she told me her daughter was pregnant with a big smile on her face and I meant to reply 'oh my goodness congratulations' but actually said 'oh my GOD how old is she?'. (She was 17 fwiw so not as young as I'd been imagining)

Also when Ds started school I made acquaintance with a mum called Dani. I am also one of those annoying people who say your name a lot so 'Hi Dani' 'how are you Dani' 'I like your dress Dani'. Anyways turns out her names Nicola. I didn't realise until Ds was in p3.

The other day dd (4) was dawdling in front of me in Asda so I said in a stern voice 'just keep moving, yes come on, I haven't got all day to faff around' and another woman in the aisle turned round and apologised and moved out of my way.

This thread had me crying with laughter.

Yesterday I was introducing myself to a new, senior, colleague and, in attempting to describe myself as "technical & nerdy", inadvertently described myself as "turdy".

Hahahahahaha....am hysterical!!!
canadianJohn 'politely' asking their neighbour 'how much is your pension' had me nearly falling off the sofa!
Keep them coming, am loving this thread!