To be slightly mortified

I'm pregnant and had to go to hospital for monitoring due to abdominal pain. Everything was fine on monitor but Dr said she would examine me internally just to be sure.

She put the funnel up me to take a swab, which I absolutely hate!!! She then removed the funnel and said 'I'm just going to examine you now with a finger'

Without thinking I said 'oh good, that's much nicer'

My dh was crying with laughter and the doctor looked a bit taken aback

I had friends to stay for my birthday and one of them had brought her new partner, who I had only met once before but who was really lovely.

We were all getting ready to go out when friend's DP went into the bathroom. I hadn't long moved in and there was no mirror in there.

Yes, yes I did - I knocked on the door and said 'xxx would you like a mirror'

I got a 'Ermmmm no thanks' back

Thought absolutely nothing of it but returned to my bedroom to faces like from the others.... It was minutes later when the toilet flushed when I realised that I had asked my guest if she would like a mirror whilst using the toilet

Thankfully she saw the funny side but admitted she had hid in there scared for a while before venturing out

I was in a larger meeting (informal though, at someones house) we were talking about electing people for the next triennial.

I said something about the next trimester. Only one person noticed, she looked at me a laughed and winked.

I was pregnant at the time and hadn't told anyone, She obviously guessed!

I bumped into Jimmy Carr in the street. Physically bumped into him.

I reacted by grabbing his arms, wiggling a little bit and saying 'Jimmy Carr' in a faux/dreadful/unconvincing South Asian accent.

He. Looked. Mortified. We didn't say anything else, just scurried off quickly!

Back in the days without central locking, my mum and my teenage self were walking back to our car, I stood by the passenger door waiting for ages wondering why on earth she was taking so long to open the car when I spot her across the road desperately trying to unlock another car identical to ours! Thank goodness the owners didn't turn up!

When my DCs were small we had an impossibly handsome Italian postman who would stop for a chat when delivering. I answered the door to him once while holding DS2, the postie made a big fuss of him -
'Oh look at you, you handsome big boy..'
Me - 'oh you're a handsome big boy too!'

Standing outside after a gig, Friend saw Bob Geldof and wanted his autograph. I handed over a pen, and Bob saw that I had a packet of Spearmint gum. He asked if he could have a piece, I carefully unwrapped it and held the piece out to him, only realising my mistake when I saw his querying expression.

And I flashed a complete stranger near the tube station one night, thinking it was my bf.

My DH quite frequently looks at me then plants a kiss on whatever it is he's holding instead of me For some reason it's quite often his trousers.

DD has form for running off in shops. We were trying to order a bedroom carpet one afternoon when she sprinted off. I said, in my best mum voice, 'WHAT do you think you're doing?'. Cue 5 carpet salespeople (who had been standing about chatting) looking at me very startledly, then bustling off to find something to do. Dd (as ever) ignored me.

Oh Tooold I've done similar with a road crossing.

I was at university and used to babysit a little boy one afternoon a week. We used to often go out to the park/shops crossing a few busy roads. That's the only thing I can use as a possible excuse for what happened...

I was walking back from a society meeting one night with somebody who lived in the same direction as me. As we reached the road I reached for his wrist, then told him "the green man means we can cross".

He pointed out that at twenty seven he'd been crossing the road on his own for rather longer than I had...

Not that long ago actually, DH had a day off work and the kids were at school so were were, ahem, making hay while the sun was shining as you do when the phone rang. It was a guy who was scheduled to come do some stuff in the garden that day saying he'd be there in a few minutes, to which DH said 'tell you what, can you make it half an hour?'. Sure says he, bish bash wallop, we're done and yes, like the poor takeaway lady up thread, there was the dreaded tone indicating he hadn't hung up. Cringer. Although, we did have a laugh thinking he was most likely saying to himself "Half an hour?! Don't bloody think so mate!" I did hide when he arrived though .

Another time DH and I had gone out for a boozy lunch while on a romantic weekend away, and just as we were finishing up he got a conference call from a company he had interviewed with offering him the job. Way hay! Sadly DH is not the 'instant sobriety' type and then started to waffle on about how excited he was, including how "hot" he was to work for them. I was genuinely bent over double laughing and even our waiter was like "Dude, hang up! H-A-N-G U-P NOW".... good times....

I was out with my best mate one Saturday, both child free for the first time in months and we decided to eat before heading out for the night. So we had a few drinks and were a bit (quite a bit) merry when the food arrived at our table.

I had a chicken club sandwich. I bit into it and the bacon was a bit chewy so I sort of pulled it out with my teeth. Unfortunately it dislodged a piece of chicken which went flying through the air and landed on the table in between two ladies having a chat. They both stopped talking, stared at the chicken and then turned round and looked at us. I'm sitting there with a mouth full of good and bacon hanging out my gob and my mate was convulsed with laughter. We literally couldn't speak and my mate spluttered out a sorry.

.....and just now, reading a thread about cats, someone wrote 'anal behaviorist' instead of animal rofl

I think I'm going to steal "chicken" as my random-thing-to-spout-when-not-sure-what-to-say. OP you may have started a trend

Crying with laughter at Morgan and talking cocks

My mum heard someone speaking German when she was standing in the queue at Alton Towers. I'd only recently moved to Germany, and she was desperate to chat to them, but could only think of one word to say. She tapped them on the shoulder and when they turned around, she said, "Hörnchen", which is a local German word for "croissant".

She then turned back to her friend, who was giggling hysterically while the German couple looked quite bemused.

Numerous times in the past when wished a happy birthday I've replied "You too!"
far too polite
I even thanked the man at the gym who was testing the chlorine levels of the hot tub I was sat in

DH was struggling to open something and I said "Would you like mummy to do it for you?"

elements that's brilliant!

I can totally 'get' rocking a loaf of bread, it took me ages to learn to stand still in a queue after having DC, I was always rocking from one foot to the other out of habit, must have looked like I needed the loo!

Millie why did you say John? was that on his name badge??

Making small talk with some colleagues who had come to visit our campus from another site. On hearing that I have young twins, they asked how our sleeping was. Instead of saying, "We usually manage to wake up before they do", what came out was, "We usually beat them up in the morning."

I've been crying laughing reading these

I can only think of one to add. I was taking dd to playgroup, she was about 3 yo at the time. I was walking along with dd2 in the buggy and realised dd1 was dawdling miles behind so I yelled "hurry up slow coach!" to her. Unfortunately between where I was standing and dd1 was standing there was a care worker helping a very frail, very /slow/ elderly lady out of her house to a bus. Of course the care worker had not seen dd and obviously thought I was telling the old lady to hurry up

Starbucks employee asked for my name a few weeks back (with pen poised)
"John", I yelled.
I'm female and my name is not John

Oh god I've remembered another couple...
Went into the shop to buy a loaf if bread not long after having DC3. Stood in the queue rocking the bloody loaf to sleep and crossly shushed the teenage boys who were being a little lively behind me
They shushed because I obviously had a mad look in my eye.

Looked outside our house one dark night to see the new neighbours children messing around in our car so knocked in the window and yelled at them to get out. Unfortunately our car was parked across the road and was a distinctly different model and colour to the car they were sat in, which was in fact their own car.
I hid every time they left the house for weeks afterwards and was very relieved when they did a moonlight flit

@ Alice peekaboo!!!

Oh I've just remembered a great one, can't remember if I saw it on here or it might have been on "This Morning"

woman in her late 50s is shopping for fairy lights at christmas, asks a young male assistant in Wilko "excuse me, do you sell feather lights" and is bemused as he walks her well away from the decorations ailse and helpfully waves his hand at the condoms

she was and that he thought she still needed contraception!

hahahaha!

I read these again today and still make me cry with laughter. Also read some to my DS (8) and he now wants a mum like the OP as saying chicken to a delivery man is apparently really brilliant.