If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

My mum loved us as children and loves us now - we know because she tells us, and shows us all the time. I've known since I was small that my mum loves my sister and I more than anything else in the world, and its what I tell my dc now. She has always, always had our back, held our hands, let us go, welcomed us home. I remember her cuddles, I still get them now too. She has a special "there there" cuddle which is a rhythmic pat/rub on the back, and with both my dc I find myself doing it to them automatically.

You sound like your doing a great job OP. you love your children, how we all show it differs, but if its there, they will feel it.

Another one from a dysfunctional family here. I have no memories of being hugged, or told I was loved as a child. Plenty of traumatic memories and I always felt alone within my family. I still do feel very alone and unloved. Apart from by my children that is.

I was also conscious of doing things differently with my DC & I mostly do. So thanks for this thread OP.

I am always amazed at how much DD1 leads the way sometimes. She is such a loving, tactile naturally parent loving child, she astonishes me. In so many ways she has taught me how to love her and her sister.

I feel very teary thinking maybe I was like that as a child with my parents but got knocked back enough to knock it out of me? I don't know - I have such few memories of that time.

With my DD's I just try to be there, to listen, we have lots of hugs and cuddles and tell each other we love them daily.

My Mum is and always has been, the only person in the world who has unfailingly always been there for me and who always has my best interests at heart. She raised me to be very independent and to make my own decisions and she has never tried to pressure or influence me to be anything I don't want to be; as long as I am happy she is happy, that's all that really matters to her. She has always believed in me and in my capability to make the right decisions (with her advice if I need it) and in turn that instilled a sense of self belief and self worth in me which has been immeasurably valuable.

One thing that is really important to me is that she is always honest with me; she has never just agreed with me blindly or just said what I want to hear. I can tell or ask her anything, and trust everything she says because she loves me enough never to bullshit me or fob me off. She is the one person I trust to always be absolutely straight with me and that means the world - if I'm being an unreasonable dickwad she'll tell me that I'm being an unreasonable dickwad, but that she loves me I know that when the chips are down she is always on my side though and would fight my corner to the death, as I would for her. She has always told me that I am the most important person in her life and always will be, and that she will always be there for me, no matter what, and I just know it's true.

We actually don't see each other much, we live in different countries, so we certainly don't live in each other's pockets, but I carry that security that she is always there if I need her. I can't really describe how I feel about her, 'love' almost doesn't really cover it. It's a deep, primal kind of bond that is unconditional and unbreakable, I can't even think about losing her. I am heart-sorry for anyone who has lost their much loved Mum, or who did/does not have the relationship with theirs that they deserve.

I totally get where you're coming from OP! I had (have) a difficult mother who has never showed love, or praised, or cuddled. Very good at showing criticism and disappointment though and falling out with everyone, including her siblings. I had PND after the birth of DC2, rooted in the belief that all siblings hated each other and their mothers.
Consequently, I constantly check myself to see if I'm doing the right things with my DC. I ask myself in many situations 'what would DM do' and then do the opposite. I tell my DC I love them every day, cuddle them, chat to them at the same time as giving them space. I have no idea if I'm right, but all 3 are very loving, affectionate and open. I feel v lucky every day that I have them. And I often feel sad too that I did not have this my my birth family.
It sounds like you're doing well, OP!

She was always there for us. Never did I feel that we were anything other than her first priority, although I didn't realise it. Lots of little things, like if she had been in to town, she'd buy us a M&S trifle each. But mainly just always being there, physically and mentally.

Annarose - I remember a girl at school who got into trouble somehow and her mum came in ranting and raving at the teachers. I knew that it probably wasn't great having her as a mum, she was pretty unhinged, but in one way I was quite jealous that she was ready to defend her daughter like that. My mother was always primed to believe the worst of me.

I felt totally unloved by my mother and a total disappointment. Although she was a SAHM, I can never remember her playing with me, or her cuddling me, or showing any affection. I have cuddled my own children as much as possible, made playing a priority over housework while they were preschoolers - just enjoyed them and their company. They grow up so quickly, a hug is more important than having shiny taps/clean doorstep etc.

My mother is a very kind person and I think this is at the root of feeling loved. Knowing that your mother is always there for you and always have your best interests at heart.

That's not the same as always agreeing with you or indeed always supporting your choices - which may be objectively bad choices. But just always on your team FOR you, whether you can see it or not.

That's the basis of it but then with my mother there are lots of add ons - like always physically affectionate and ready with hug even at my advanced age, still now always read to cook, make me a cup of tea and physically look after me, always there to listen no matter how long and rambling my whinging is and so on and so on.

But those practical manifestations of love aren't really what matters - the most important thing is the underlying feelings of affection, kindness and support that emanate from a mother.

I'm very very lucky to have such great parents.

It's interesting to try and analyse why I know my mum loves me, because I just know she does. She is the one person in the world who is always behind me, always excited to hear my news, listens to my (sometimes boring) stories and so on. She's not perfect though, she's a human being, sometimes she's quite judgy (in a quiet way) and has also made a couple of corkingly bad man related decisions.

You say your dd 'needs a lot of love'. I have one child like that, the other more self-contained. I don't know what you can do, other than give what you can offer. Sometimes I don't feel like cuddling endlessly, or stopping what I'm doing and going to watch what my clingier child wants. So, I don't think endlessly giving and giving works, it's more about trying to create a more permanent sense to being loved. If you genuinely love her, and do things with her and are mostly in her corner, then that will be enough.

The thing I loved most about my Mum growing up was when she got all indignant on my behalf when a teacher upset me. She ALWAYS believed me. I felt really supported. As a result, I ended up confiding in her a lot about school stuff as I knew she was a sympathetic ear.

Its lovely being defended.

My mum was generous with her time. My mum and dad always put each other first and there happiness gave me security. Mum never judged and made me feel loved by reading an cooking with me when I was small. As I got older and moved away she said don't worry about visiting on birthdays an Christmas it's far better to turn up out of the blue because you miss each other and that is something I pass on to my kids. That they are not expected to be around on birthdays etc just to spend time with us because they want to. Worked a bit too well can't bloody get rid of them now ?

I think it's about acceptance: accepting and loving your child as they are, not expecting them to be 'better'

I agree with this...I had this from my mum (and still do); my dad on the other hand, well, he does love me in his way, but I know I am a huge disappointment to him and he thinks there's something wrong with me. He is also quite emotionally manipulative - I'm currently upset and reeling from an email I got from him several days ago that made me feel like a teenager again, standing there while he ranted at me, filled up with rage and humiliation that I absolutely could not express because it'd only make him worse

My mum, though, I don't feel judged by her, and though we aren't demonstrative, I know she's there for me and would help if I needed it. I could tell her pretty much anything.

My DM is not what you call demonstrative but I knew she loved (loves) me because she would brag about me to other people when she thought I wasn't listening. LOL!!

I had a dysfunctional family and a mum who didn't make me feel loved, and I take the OP at face value - for me it's a great thread and something I really need, to hear from people about what a good mum feels like. I try very hard, I am affectionate with my DC and we talk a lot and I try to listen to them, and I think and hope I am a better mum than my mum was.

But I struggle with bad behaviour, especially with my DD, because I do think it's important to have firm boundaries and call DC out on bad behaviour, but then when I say things like "it's not OK to hit" or "yes I am cross because of XYZ" - even though I generally manage to stay calm and consistent and reassure her that I do still love her - I think "am I just criticising her, am I making her feel she's not good enough?"

These stories don't make me feel jealous or lacking, they are really helpful. Also it's interesting that many people say their mum was not perfect, but they still felt loved.

My mom wasn't overly affectionate most of the time but those moments of snuggling up on the sofa and stroking my hair I'll never forget. Nursing me when I was hungover or ill. Making our favourite dishes when we came home. Listening to my plans for world domination - however many times they changed. Always ready to put me straight. My dad is more affectionate and they both always helped us out whenever they could. It's hard to put my finger on it but it's like a blanket of warmth.

OP, I wonder why you are asking this question. It seems calculated to make you feel far worse than you already do by presenting an image of 'perfect families' by which yours stands as a sad foil.

My mother was awful to me growing up. I was the family scapegoat, and on the end of some very extreme emotional and physical abuse, which frankly makes most of the posts on here about problem mothers look like nothing at all. She still loves me, just in a really weird and abusive kind of a way. And I love her and even understand that she did what she did because of trauma and damage in her own past. It has only been by forgiving her and letting go of the anger I felt for many years about her parenting, without expecting anything to change, that I have really been able to be whole again. I think letting go of being her 'victim' was a huge part of that.

Acrossthepond, your post also made me shed a little tear. Some really lovely stories here.

I'm not a mum yet, but I am desperate to be. If I can be half the mother mine is I'll be happy. She would do anything for us. She is fun, caring, clever, energetic, thoughtful, affectionate and just brilliant.

Her and my dad are the loves of my life (sorry DH :) ) I'll always be thankful I was lucky enough to get her as mum.

I'm sorry you didn't get that from your mum OP but you sound like you're a great mum.

I know my parents love me, and I knew it as a child, but it IS hard to put a finger on how I knew. Lots of hugs and cuddles but I can't imagine saying 'I love you' to my mum or dad - I'd end a phone call or an email saying 'lots of love', but 'I love you' is a bit strong for our family.

But as an adult what I appreciate is how my parents had to fight against their own backgrounds and instincts when raising us. They were both raised in very academic families, with high expectations placed on them, and at least one parent was pushed into a career they didn't want to do.

Then with my sibling and me, they tried to give us more of a free rein about our futures, but I did still feel a certain amount of pressure to 'do well'. My older sibling was definitely pushed to do well at school more than I was and didn't like the pressure (although ironically has ended up being an academic). They backed off a bit with me, and I can't help thinking they are disappointed I didn't have a more fulfilling career, but they can see I'm happy and I know they're trying not to judge me the way their parents did to them.

Some lovely stories here. Everyone should save and email themselves or print out what they've written about their mums.

I don't remember either of my parents being physically affectionate with me but I knew I was loved. I was a much wanted child and their only child.

They were always there for me, a bit too much sometimes but they were only protecting me.
I like chickens post. They were my rock before I knew I had one .
All my family were lovely. Aunts uncle's grandma.p.

I had a good childhood

My adoptive mother loved me.

What others say - she was there. Always willing to listen. Always protective, always caring. Kind, very kind. She made lovely food and she was ... the word that comes to mind is 'gracious'. Not an easy quality to describe but it seems the right one. I didn't realise at the time but she provided stability and love in bucketloads and kindness.

She could be strict but that's no bad thing - she was consistent with it. She had a hot temper! but she was forgiving and half an hour after shouting at each other I would be nestled on her lap. She could nag, I think that was the worst. But oh god, she loved me and I loved her.

I missed her bitterly, to the core, after she died. So so much and I still do. The love she gave me has carried me through though and I hope her love can pass on through me to my sons, to the best of my physically-limited ability.

I love her.

I also love my MIL who is golden hearted, endlessly giving, caring, accepting, interested. Not perfect, but a truly lovely woman. A super grandmother too.

Airable = admirable

You don't have to be a perfect parent. You don't even have to be a good one. You just have to be good enough. Good enough to realise that perfectionism spoils things. That you'll only ever get it right some of the time. Bit at along as you recognise the times you go wrong, and accept and make up for them, your dc will have a parent who reflects reality, who is human, who presents an airable and attainable model, and who they know will make the effort for them.

My mum wasn't really demonstrative with love. But one thing I remember very clearly was that she would never let me go to sleep on an argument. If we'd had a row she would always make sure she came to me and we made up before bed. It gave me a lot of security to know she would always do that.

Op I Know where you are coming from. My mum was incapable of love and she walked away when I was 3, so I didn't live with her. I saw her weekly but was afraid of her, I never felt loved.

I found it so difficult when I had my own 2dds. I remember thinking they couldn't possibly love me, because I never loved my own mum, I thought all children felt the same.
My DH helped a lot, let me talk, reassured me that I was a wonderful mum, mil and friends have been reassuring too.

You are already doing all the right things-unfortunaltely it's a long haul thing. You have to just keep going, loving them everyday and "being there".

Mine are now 24 and 21 and I feel so proud of the relationship we have. I know they love me, they choose to tell me all the time and they choose to spend time with me and DH, (despite living away at uni). Just keep doing what you are doing. And believe your dc love you more than anything.