If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

It's funny but I always think about how when I say next to mum on the sofa she would always rub my feet! Sounds really odd, but we weren't a massively demonstrative family but I just always felt loved. I find myself cuddling up to ds on sofa and stroking her feet in the same way. She worked v hard making sure I could go to university and really encouraged me to do my best at school, but wasn't pushy either. She was a massive support when my dd was diagnosed as autistic and helped out financially with paying for private help for dd. I see her now with dd and she is brilliantly patient with her. She annoys me sometimes, but is a very loving parent.

She gave me roots and wings and encouraged me to fly -roughly translated, was always there but knew when to 'let go ' I put it on the card for the flowers at her funeral . I hope my DDs will feel the same about me

Watching, OP, as I could have written your original post. Although I feel I do know how to love in so many ways and am only glad I have the chance and my DCs are same age as yours and do need a lot of love.

My mum loved me but never said it. It was a neglectful sort of love, for various reasons she was very wrapped up in her own life, and our roles were sort of reversed. She had a difficult and unusual life.

My DH's large extrovert Irish family were the first people to ever hug and kiss me, I found it strange and wonderful.

My mum went out of her way to show me, very clearly, that nothing I ever did would be good enough. She openly states that she used to get stopped in the street by strangers when I was a toddler, who would remark on what a lovely little girl I was, only for her to tell them not to tell me I was pretty. I know now, as an adult, that it was because she is a hideously insecure woman, but it (not just the silly example above, but a lifetime of verbal and psychological abuse) left me with shredded - or rather, non-existent - self esteem.

Ref pp who have referenced those who sound like amazing mums, and those, like mine who were pretty damaging, I think both sides are useful, knowing what not to do is often as useful as knowing what does show dc they are loved and cherished. No dc I am close to will ever doubt my love for them.

My mum is my best friend. She adores myself and my brothers and always tells us how much she loves us and how proud she is of us (even though most of us have done things not to be proud of in the past). We went through some tough times as a family growing up but she always ensured that we felt loved and secure. She is very affectionate, encouraging and always there when we need to talk. We live in different countries unfortunately but even over the phone, she can sense when there's something wrong. I'd be lost without her and trust her more than anyone in the world (dh included).
She would give us her last penny if we needed it and her devotion and loyalty to us doesnt waiver.
When I had dd, I always said that if I'm half the mother she is I'll be doing ok and I try and model myself on her. She's an inspiration.
She's also an amazing grandmother. She's the very same with the grandkids as she was with us. Despite being in her late 60's, she would think nothing of getting down on the floor to play with them and regularly looks after them.
I just hope that she's around long enough for my dd to appreciate the love she has for her like I do.

Well, I did feel loved by my mum as a child but it's hard to say what she did that made me feel this. She was very undemonstrative - she very rarely said "I love you" (could probably count on the fingers of one hand how many time she said it). Until I was about ten she did used to give me a goodnight kiss at bedtime though. She wasn't a hugger; she still isn't really.

She was easily exasperated and would shout a lot. She wasn't particularly chatty or interested about things that had happened in my day and stuff like that. And she did hit me from time to time. She was by no means a perfect parent, especially by today's standards, but somehow I still felt secure.

I suppose I had a sense from quite an early age of the work involved in raising a family (plus she worked very long hours too) - how little time to herself she had, how tired she was a lot of the time. When she wasn't working it was constant housework, food shopping and cooking etc. So perhaps I felt she showed her love by everything she put into looking after us.

Also, I do remember one time when I was unhappy at school because of some girls who were being shits to me - I used to tell mum about it in the car on the way home and she would quietly listen without really seeming to. It all got resolved eventually and some years later I mentioned it and she remembered exactly what had happened and told me how worried she'd been about me at the time and how angry she'd been with those girls - I had literally no idea! So that felt good in a way.

Sigh. What wonderful, lovely sounding Mother's so many of you have/had

I'm the same as OP. Never felt love, she was/is awful to us. I see her for DS's sake. But I often fantasise about experiencing a mother's love. To feel secure in a parent's love (my DF died when I was 4) must be just amazing. DM has been ill of late and I'm ashamed to say, I feel nothing. I worry that when she passes, it will be undeniably noticeable that I will be pretty emotionless. Any tears I shed will be me feeling sorry for myself that I never "had" a mother.

But I'm a good Mum People tell me I am and I believe them. I feel immensely proud of myself for this, all things considered.

My mother used to say she had to love me, because I was her daughter, but she didnt have to like me. I dont think she did either, much.

Being the constant parent in my life, endlessly supportive & loving, nothing is too much and ends every phone call with I love you x

Oh Anna, that is lovely. :)

I do that too Galli. Sometimes I time their bath so the towels are just finished in the tumble dryer when they get out. Then I can wrap the snuggly warm towel around them and squeeze and smell their hair.

I do have some memories like that of my parents. Mostly my dad. I remember reading by the fire in the middle of the winter. Snow and wind howling outside, the whole bit. And he brought me a hot sugary cup of orange spice tea, and I remember feeling so warm and cared for. :) He made me tea a lot, but for some reason that time sticks in my mind.

One small stupid thing sticks out when I think back. You know when you're around 8 or 9 and don't want to be seen to be babyish? But you fall over and graze your knee and you burst into tears anyway? And a part of you is mortified but you can't stop sobbing?

She would cuddle me and tell me "Its just the shock" about my tears. And if there was anyone else around, like a neighbour or (worse) one of my pals, she'd turn to them and say "She's had a shock with it, naturally"

And it saved my dignity. Its not babyish to have a shock, it sounds quite grown-up actually. So I didn't feel too ashamed about crying like a baby, then. I really really loved her for that.

Will totally nick it for my own child.

sounds silly but the first thing that comes to mind is my mum always used to put our coats on the radiator every single morning when it was cold so we would be nice and warm on the walk to school. Underwear would be on there too. Plus breakfast would all be set out and ready. I cant explain why that made me feel so loved but it did. It was little things that made me feel like I was in a nice, safe bubble.

Even today she will buy me little things like gluten free porridge when she sees it on offer and it just makes me feel fuzzy and warm knowing she thinks of me.

I do the coat thing with my DC now...and pyjamas on radiators ready for after their bath

Hugged!

It's hard, isn't it? My mom was never cruel to me but I never felt she enjoyed me, if you know what I mean. I knew she loved me but I never felt it.

I try to think of my DC (and to be totally honest, with DS it's bloody hard sometimes) as people I am in a relationship with forever, not little problems to be managed.

DH and I are much more physically affectionate with our DC than our parents ever were. I don't remembery parents ever saying they loved me (though I know they do) and we say it all the time. And besides my wedding or someone dying, I don't remember being huffed or kissed by them past the age of six or so.

Gosh, this thread is actually so lovely and is helping me to remember so many other things that helped me know my mum loved me.

• she got me out of bed to get me up for my part time job as a teenager, at 6am. This was when all her kids had glen the nest and she was well entitled to a rest!

• my mum used to take it really bad if any of us were sick as kids and you could see it in her eyes. She used to phone into her work immediately to take the day off. It meant she didn't get paid and it was a shitty factory job, so she paid a big price for one kid us having a tummy bug.

• she scrimped and saved to buy me a prom dress ( as they are called now- we called it an 'end of year dance') and even paid for a hairdresser to come to the house). She had to fight with my dad to allow for those kind of expenses.

• she wouldn't allow me and my sister the same freedom as my brothers growing up but when she finally relented, used to make us repeat mantras before we went out about 'respecting ourselves' and that we were 'ladies'. Stuff that would make us cringe at the time but in her own limited way, was how she conveyed her feelings about not letting ourselves be taken and advantage of.

Aww, my mum. ??

Hmm. Interesting question. I never felt unloved, but struggle to identify anything specific that positively made be feel LOVED.

OP it sounds like you are the mum you want to be.

I was a loved child although my parents divorced. Mum never ever let us down. We were and are her absolute priority and we knew that, even when things were hard.

She says now that she didn't make time to have fun with us but we disagree. We didn't have all that much fun together just because she was working and raising three children and managing elderly parents alone. But when we look back we remember a rock solid foundation. I have been very fortunate. But it wasn't about special songs or Disney days. We just knew that we were her world. Thanks mum.

That's the other thing, don't feel just because your mother wasn't a good mother doesn't mean you can't be - my mum never felt loved by her own mum, but still managed to do a marvellous job for us!

My mum was positively hard on me and my sister growing up. She treated my two brothers like kings - everyone around us could tell the difference she made. There were many difficult times and arguments because of it. In spite of it however, she always made sure we were safe, so while she wasn't lovey dovey, she set boundaries that even then, I knew were for my safety- eg sending my dad to collect me as a teenager from my shift at the local restaurant even though it was only 5 min away. She also did so many things that I overlooked as a child like warm my bed with a hot water bottle, warm my pants on the radiator before school, buy me peanut butter which no one else was allowed to touch. Heck, she even sat up with me until 6am on the last night of my A level exams while I studied, making me cups of tea and making sure I didn't fall asleep. She would tell me (without saying 'I love you') that your mother is your best friend, and to this day, has grown softer and softer with age and is the best granny ever.

My mum is complex at times but if there's one thing I've learned from her, it's that none of us are perfect, none of us are infallible- parents included. Both my mum and my dad have made some quite monumental mistake when it came down to parenting, but in the grand scheme of it all, we still love them. Truly love them.

My mum passed on 10 years ago. She never told me she she loved me but I know she did. However, as somebody said upthread, I didn't truly appreciate it until I was grown up and had children of my own. As a child growing up, you don't judge your parents' parenting skills (unless they are downright awful) - you just presume that this is how parents and children relate to each other. Had I been asked the question as a boy, I probably would have wondered at times whether she did love me because we were taught right from wrong and that sometimes involved tough lessons. However, I am SO grateful that we had a disciplined upbringing and that my brother and I have manners (I believe!) so that we know how to behave in most social situations and have been able to pass that on to our respective children.

As an outsider, my wife has helped me to see perhaps why my mum never verbalised her love for us. She was one of four children and had a fairly impoverished upbringing. Her parents died young shortly after the war. Her only brother (whom she very much looked up to) was killed in the war and her younger sister died of a brain haemorrage also shortly after the war. My wife theorised that perhaps losing so many loved ones in so short a period when she herself was only in her early 20's made it difficult for her to love so completely, although she clearly did.

My mum could be quite difficult in many ways, but I ALWAYS felt loved. She did all the 101 things that a good mother does for her children, found our strengths and provided us with opportunities to develop them, defended us against the world, but when you actually boil down what made me feel loved, it was simply that she cuddled me when I felt sad. I think that's the key to it - be there when they need you.

This is a lovely thread. Can it be "discussion of the day"?