If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

My mum and dad are so loving, but its hard to describe. I think its just the fact that i know they would do anything for me.
They got the right balance between letting me be independent and making my own mistakes, but also guiding me in the right direction.

Things that stick in my mind -
Always saying 'night, love you' even when we had fallen out when i was a gobshite teenager

Being tactile, even now my parents will hug me/touch my arm/put an arm round me etc

Telling me i was beautiful/clever/that the world was my oyster. Making me believe i could do anything.

Still calling me and my brother (28 & 35) by our childhood nicknames. I will always be 'floss' or 'baby girl' and my db will always be 'sunshine'

Overall i just felt safe. My dad is the loveliest bloke ever, but hes built like a brick shithouse, and i know he would protect me, and my brother, from anyone and anything. They were, and will always be, my safety net. I know that i could ring them right now and they would come over/help me/put money in my bank/fix my car absolutely anything. But they also taught me to be a strong independent person and try to go it alone first. The motto in my family is "if at first you dont succeed, ring dad and he will sort it" :)

Im very lucky to have them both, and i dont tell them that often enough.

I can't remember my Mum hugging me, kissing me, saying I love you and I didn't have bedtime stories, and she was an indifferent cook! However, I always felt absolutely secure, accepted, respected, important, even admired.

I don't know how she did that. I think its more in the small things - always a smile in the morning, or at pick up time, lots of eye-contact, lots of talking me up. And in the things she didn't do: she didn't be-little me, humiliate me, or interrogate me, push me into directions I didn't want to go, or rely emotionally on me.

I know she took a lot of pride in everything I did. I knew I wasn't her world - this was the 70's! - but I had no doubt that I was a valuable person entitled to my own life, my own (often daft) opinions, and that I was loved.

I would just love the Mum's of the wonderful posts on here could read what their DD's have said about them. If it's OK to do so, show your Mum what you have written about her.

fuzzy felt said this - I ask myself in many situations 'what would DM do' and then do the opposite. Sad, but true for me too. Deep down my Mum probably loved me but I really didn't know this. She didn't say it or show it, and I never felt good enough. Whatever she did in the way of parenting, I did different.

When I was growing up and grown up, the last people I would tell about any problem I had would be my parents. My DC's (now independent adults... just) - the first person they would tell about a problem they have is me. I know that without fail. For me, that sums it up.

When I was young I ached to be hugged and shown security and that I mattered and was loved. It certainly wasn't a bad or abusive childhood. It was just cold and emotionless and I spent night after night crying myself to sleep over all sorts of things... I was a sensitive child. I hid that but believe me, a child of mine wouldn't go one night crying themselves to sleep without me knowing about it. I am tuned into them, and their emotions and always have been.

Acrossthepond your post is so touching, it is wonderful and it gives me mixed feelings. I grieve for what I didn't have but on the either hand, I am beyond proud of what I've achieved with my DCs and I would hope to have just 10% of the love you show for your Mum.

Everyone out there, please tell your Mums how wonderful they are. Now my DCs are grown up, I do occasionally angst and doubt myself whether I've done a good enough job as a Mother. I try very very hard because I don't want my DCs to have the insecurities I had at their age from a lack of mothering. I think all is OK as they are wonderful, feisty, clever individuals who love coming home, and we talk almost daily but it's great to be told you've done a good job.

I'm blessed with amazing parents. They've done al the things you said you do OP + they always put me & my sister's needs above theirs, spent all their spare money on our educations & saving up for us to have deposits for homes. I think you'll be fine to be honest & sorry that your mum was so awful.

My experience was generally good but a bit mixed.

My Mum is very loving and affectionate but we are very different. She always wanted me to be more outgoing which I will never be. She also tried to push me to do things I just didn't want to do. To a certain extent, i never felt I was good enough. I've carried doubt about myself all through my adult life. Both my Mum and Dad teased me a bit which i've now realised is a form of bullying...

I would say give them lots of love and affection. Tell them they are enough and support them in what they want to do. If they are quiet and introverted, encourage them but let them be who they are. To be the best you, you need to play to your strengths. It has taken me decades to learn this.

op.
My mum is an academic and had a ft job when i grew up. She wasn't very 'maternal' in the stereotypical sense, so she wasn't terribly cuddly, wasn't a dedicated cook etc. but I always have felt completely and utterly loved by her.

What she did / does is to accept me 100%. She has never ever put me down and has been rather accepting of all the quirky things I got up to as a teenager. However she didn't pretend to be my best mate, she was very much 'mother' but calm and accepting. And she listened always properly. Although she wasn't around as much as a sahm would have been, when she was with me, she paid proper attention, didn't belittle me or anything. I went through a period of having very low self esteem as I had terrible acne as a teenager and she was just by my slide, not making a drama out of it, telling me I was pretty and that it would pass. I don't know, I think the main things were total acceptance without ever wanting to 'correct' me, telling me I could achieve anything if I put my mind to it and worked hard (I wasn't very good /lazy in school but excelled at uni) and listening to me properly without imposing her own emotions, making a big thing out of things.

Come to think of it I think she was a better mother than I could ever be.....

My mum and dad told me and my siblings that they loved us every day, we always had a bedtime kiss and hug, while being tucked up in bed they always said said 'night night, love you'. It's one of my earliest memories.
I suppose I felt loved because they always showed an interest in what I was doing, who my friends were and how I was getting on at school. My mum talked to me, listened to me moan and groan and occasionally put up with some awful teenage behaviour.

I just hope my two girls would say the same about me.

My parents have never told me they loved me, and weren't physically affectionate, however with hindsight I just knew.

My mum put us first, all the time, was firm, fair, consistent, kind, supportive, compassionate, encouraging. Strict but of course with hindsight you realise it was for own good. Allowed us to make our own mistakes - gave us the freedom to make those mistakes. Encouraged us to spread our wings.

Taught us to run a house and expected us to share the chores from a pretty young age. At the time it seemed really unfair!

I think by encouraging us to go out into the world she was implicitly telling us she had confidence in our ability to succeed. At times she seemed a bit heartless actually, pushing us out of the door!

Other things - always made us cakes for our birthdays, sewed and knitted for us and our dolls, baked with us, read to us every day, worked hard to give us the best even when they hardly had any money (by going without themselves). Just gave us a really really solid consistant base. As adults we realise how lucky we were.

My mum was lovely but used to berate me for my lack of self confidence without actually helping me to gain any! With my DD I encourage her to enjoy clothes and feel good about her body (mum never even told me about periods). I encourage her to compete in a sport that gives her a lot of pleasure but - and I wish someone had done this for me- I teach her how to deal with stress and worry. I am fortunate in that she actually listens and follows my advice

I am also narky, lazy, can't be arsed baking, I do her homework for her if I can't be bothered explaining it to her. In other words, I'm a mummy not a saint.

My mum was very loving in all the ways above but I did really like that she never compared me to my sister academically. I always felt like I was loveable as i was. She also never criticised me and backed me on everything.

I meant to say ..when they become parents not adults
So annoying when I hit the send key too early

Holger I think many of us parents feel the same as you do. We can only do our best, although that rarely seems enough most of the time. As humans we fail, we make mistakes but hopefully our children will grow into balanced enough adults to remember the good parts of growing up and strong enough to improve on our flaws, if or when, they become adults themselves.

This is wonderful.

I often worry that I've not done a very good job of parenting. Mine are approaching adulthood and I often wish I could do it over again with the benefit of hindsight and more experience.

I hope they'll know they were fiercely loved and that I have done the very best I could.

Oh, gosh, thank you to those who mentioned my post! I do love her dearly and treasure every day we have with her. She's 92 so we know how precious her days are.

I've noticed so many posts where, like mine, mums weren't the huggy, kissy type yet we knew we were loved. I think that was more common back when I was young. I think mums today (including me) are more physically affectionate than our mums were. But we don't love our children one jot more or less than we were loved. It's the foundation they gave us, I think, that let us know we were loved. Our little worlds were secure, nothing could touch us because mum (and dad) was there.

Those of you who feel your mums weren't all they should have been, I'm so sorry. Nothing can really make it up to you, but it's good to know that it doesn't have to define you.

When I think of our mums, those of us who were lucky, I think of the words in the Bible (paraphrased):

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."

What lovely lovely posts!

Particularly touching for me acrossthepond and annarose

acrossthepond although you're writing about your mothers love for you, I can feel your love for your mother palpably through the words.

annarose I comfort ds by saying 'was that a shock, poor love, you had a shock' but never thought of its socially protective meaning too - I'm going to adjust mine so it has that too, perfect!

I wonder if your mothers know what moments are written into your hearts?

Like others on here, I did not have that childhood, not quite, but yearn to hear about it, understand and join that type of motherhood - it's a beautiful thread, certainly not a slap in the face as someone thought it might be.

Beauty of life, these moments and memories :)

acrossthepond beautiful post. Made me cry. You're very lucky to have a mum like that.

My mum was the eldest, she felt expected to put up, shut up, and get on with it, whilst her younger, sick sister got the care, attention and her own way. At least, this is how she felt, don't know how it all really happened, obviously.
She never let me go to sleep/out of the door without saying I love you. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't lose it's meaning if it's said often, only when it's said without any. I know I was an accident, but have never felt like a mistake.
She asked my opinions when appropriate, respected my decisions when they were mine to make, and had my back when I stood up for something. Yet she also put me in my place, didn't give me my own way, and taught me to deal with disappointment.
So I do what she did now with my children- I validate their feelings, respect their decisions, am firm and fair.
If they grow up feeling loved, respected, valued, worthwhile - and responsible enough to make others feel the same way - I'll consider that a parenting success.

Exactly what Six said. Exactly. I think my mum does love me but she has always practised tough love and has a list of all my character flaws she trots out if she doesn't agree with my decisions. Or if I have any problems really.

The 'lighting up with pleasure' thing is something I consciously try to do with my children - not faking it but expressing the pleasure I feel in their company so that they can see it. Enjoying being with them. Not assuming it's their fault if they are having problems.

Elephant me too! Lovely of her to help you save face, Annarose.

Annarose, I love your post. "She's had a shock with it, naturally."

Made ME cry, reading that.

This is full of so many lovely accounts of motherhood, I second it being made discussion of the day.

My mum had a difficult upbringing and I don't think she had much love from her parents. But she is a brilliant mum to me. Unlike so many people on here, I wouldn't say my mum is a mumsy, kind-type person at all. That is - she is kind, but she's not gentle and passive, she's quite fiery and can have a temper at times. Just saying this really because as others have said, it's not about being perfect.

But I never ever doubt her love for me. For one, she tells me all the time, and always have done, that she loves me. And she says when she's proud of me, which is often, and not just when I pass an exam or do something objectively praiseworthy. Sometimes it's just an expression of her pride in me being considerate to a friend, or being capable at something normal like making dinner :)

Although she's very matter of fact, and not really soppy, she'll always do lovely things like bring me a little present (I still remember her coming home with new hairbrushes in bright red and bright blue for my brother and I when I was about 5) or putting flowers in my room.

I think the heart of it, though, is the way she clearly enjoys being around me. If I go to stay with my parents, she will come in to my bedroom in the morning and sit beside my bed and chat to me as I wake up, and laugh at my groggy morning nonsense until I "come round" (not a morning person unlike her!) and then we'll talk. She started taking me out for lunch one to one probably when I was a teenager, which gave us a chance to have proper chats away from my dad and brother. I still remember telling her about my first boyfriend over one of those lunches She'll ring me up regularly and drop me emails - often just a link of a couple of lines she'll think I'll enjoy.

One thing that is quite tricky is that she thinks nothing is good enough for me. I've had to learn how to take this in the right way. It's a lovely tendency when it comes to getting thoughtful presents, but it's harder to take when e.g. I've just got a lovely new job and she starts sending me a job ad for CEO of Google or something similarly beyond my capabilities and ambition! It can feel like a criticism but I know really it's just because she loves me, thinks the world of me and really doesn't see why I SHOULDN'T be running the world :)

And whenever I hug her, I just see her light up. She always makes me feel like our love for each other is a precious thing and we are lucky to have it.

As a child my parents made me feel safe and secure. I have loads of happy memories making Christmas decorations with them, birthday parties, walks in the park, holidays, and then there's the little things like sitting on my dad's knee while he blew the hair out of my eyes and said with a big smile how I had a heart of gold, my mum putting plasters on my knee when I fell over, my mum teaching me to play noughts and crosses...etc.

I'm crying as I type this as it all fell apart when I was 13. My dad died and mum lost the plot and turned to alcohol. Up until that point I felt so loved.

My Mum praised me, she still does. Not just the random 'you are so wonderful' but specific things. Really tailored praise 'you are amazing at that because...' 'I love watching you with DC when...'
She is my rock. We don't speak every day but she is the voice in my head when I don't know what to do, telling me to trust my instincts. She was and is always available emotionally.
She treated me like an adult when I was a teen, in an age appropriate way, she trusted me and I respected that.

Very difficult to describe a loving home - it just was. We were loved, not smothered. Our parents wanted the best for us without spoiling us. We felt secured, were cuddled, we laughed together.
I hope my DCs feel,the same about me and DH