If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

I think it's important for a child to feel a bit cossetted sometimes. When DD is ill I make a bit of a fuss of her and bring her fresh fruit juice and toast in bed.

After her bath I will happily sit brushing DD's hair and plaitting it because she loves having her hair played with. It's a quiet bonding time for us where we chat about our day and she tells me the school gossip. She's a teen now so isn't as cuddly anymore but when she's really tired she'll still nestle next to me on the sofa and slip her hand into mine. It just melts me every time.

I am so lucky that I get to share my life with her.

My mum was a fantastic, patient listener.

Not verbally demonstrative or cuddly but very giving of her time and energy - when I went home after the first term of uni she had baked all my favourite stuff. Like some of the other mums mentioned on this thread she did the hot water bottle and pants, mittens etc on the radiator

Mostly she was very supportive and interested; pleased for me when things were going well and disappointed when things weren't. No agenda of her own.

My mum used to remind me to "Walk tall" which irritated me at the time - I took it as a loving reminder that I deserved to be confident, but also an uncomfortable reminder that I wasn't confident - there's no pleasing teenagers is there? Now I look back and think it's great advice.

She could be critical though. No one's perfect.

I also think, you should try to get some counselling if you can? It's a massive thing that you are living with, and some tangible support is always good if you can get it.

This is such a lovely thread. So sorry you had such a hard time OP. MY m&d were pretty poor and stressed when we were young so there was shouting and tension, and like rousette I kinda thought it was about me. My parents never said 'I love you' but I never thought about it. In the 70s we weren't all so in touch with our emotions. But we did lovely (free) things as a family, always had a kiss and cuddle before bed, spent time with grandparents, wider family, so I knew I belonged. I think to make you children feel loved, you just need to spend loving time with them, cuddling watching tv or reading a book, smile at them, and listen to them. Everyone has their own style of showing emotion (i find it excruciating if my mum tells me she loves me :() you don't have to be over the top, just remember what they like, let them know you value their opinions and what they bring to the world. Not everyone is pretty and perky and fun, if you're not it's important to know that you are valued for your sense of humour, analytical mind, kindness. One other thing, I remember every negative thing that has been said about me (whether said jokingly or seriously), but hardly any of the positive, so try to make your language as positive as possible.

Will have to come back to this thread, it's making me cry at work. My own mum was so loving, and I miss her so much.

I just knew deep down that nearly everything she did was for the benefit of me and my siblings. She put us first. Actions speak much louder than words.

I do think telling your DCs what they mean to you is important. Of course we might all say "Love you" as a matter of course but I don't mean that. I mean taking something that one of them has done and specifically saying how proud you are and how much they mean to you. At times I just need to tell my DCs how proud I am of them, my chest is bursting with pride and it has to come out!

Growing up and not actually knowing what your parents think of you is horrible. I honestly thought mine at best didn;t like me or even hated me and I puzzled and puzzled over it as a child, forever trying to make them like me. It was nothing I could put my finger on, it wasn't an awful childhood, but their lives seemed focused on their business, their friends, their holidays, they never seemed to have any time for me at all, I felt like an inconvenience.
That's why I have always felt what is important is giving time to your children, not material things - that's not what matters.

I wish I could turn the clock back and be a better mother to my DD. Her brother was born when she was still a toddler. He has required hands on 24/7 care because of severe medical problems. It was like a bombshell hitting our family. His needs were so great , I could not bear to put him in an institution. He took so much of my attention I do believe my DD did miss out. I had chronic sleep deprivation and was barely functioning at times. I did try my best but I don't think it was good enough because DD has low self confidence. I love DD , the day she was born was the happiest of my life I just hope that when she has her own children she can understand . Reading this thread has encouraged me to try harder

This thread has made me happy and sad.I really hope I'm creating a safe, loving home for my children. I love some of the ideas and stories on here and do think I do a reasonable job of it. I love the poster who mentioned eyes lighting up at the sight of your kids

Its all a bit bittersweet. Threads like this point out things I hadn't even realised were lacking. I had a v difficult childhood and that's affected me so much in my adulthood. I feel cross that in my 30s I'm still being held back but threads like this show what a huge difference at your fundamental core it is if you know you're loved.

If I ring my mum it goes "hello" (cheery voice). I say, "hi mum,it's me." And then hee voice changes to a flat "oh."

She's had her struggles in life but since having my kids I feel angry on my own behalf at how unloving my parents can be/are.

I've had an operation recently and yes she did text a few days later to see if it went ok she's not even been to visit. Never mind help. She lives 10mins away.

Often as a chikd I didn't feel safe. I often cries myself to sleep or felt seer panic or overwhwlmed by sadness. I never felt there was anyone on my side...

I'm feeling sad just thinking about it asita not something you can ever get back, and I really envy the support others still fret from their mums. Its hard to just "get over it" when it affects your core being.

On the other hand I delight in being aroundfor my children. It uinfluenced my desire to stay home, I love hearing them read, making cakes with them, being interested in them.... They make me so happy :)

I think it sounds OP like you're doing everything right.
My mum used to say " don't worry, everything will be alright and I'm ALWAYS here to look after you"
I found that calming, reassuring and just the best thing ever. Quite simple be effective.

Definitely just being there. And she was, and still is interested in me and what's important to me.
Dm is now terminally ill and living with me and I try to make sure she knows she is loved by putting a hot water bottle in her bed etc.

Tears falling down my cheeks reading these. My mum loves me but is rubbish at showing it - she is very achievement driven and as an adult I have felt I have failed her.

My dad however, was a strong parent and was amazing at showing love - I still remember and appreciate how we would sit for hours talking and telling stories in the evening. He had a really big career so must have been exhausted - but he still always made an effort for me. I now do the same for both my children and will do it until they don't want it anymore.

Smurf, recently my 40 year old dd told me that she never really appreciated me until she had her own dc. Similarly I didn't really understand my mum until I had children of my own. She gave me such a gift of love and I have strived to be as good a mother and grandma as she was. I still miss her 22 years (on Friday) since she died.

Thank you MrsDeVere I think it's so important for a child's home to feel safe and calm to them. and for them to have parents who behave in a calm and reassuring manner around them.

Nothing is they were not so great . My mum wasn't a very good mum to me and my sister, she met another man when I was 4 then despised my dad my sister and myself until he chucked her for good when I was 25. She didn't leave us for him until I was early 20s but I knew from very young 5/6 that she wasn't like other mums . I always felt sorry for her until I had my own children 4 years ago . Now as I have my own children I see how much she let us down . I live my life being the mother I wanted her to be .

I lost my Mum 5 years ago when I was 30.
She was a great Mum and would go to the ends of the earth for me and my brother. But above all else the one thing that always stuck with me was her saying that I would never understand how much you could love somebody until you had kids. It made me feel like I was the most special person in her world, so safe and loved.

MrsDeVere your post really moved me. You sound like an amazing Mum.

With our DCs I always try to give them what they need, not just what they want. I try very hard to appear calm and reassuring to them even when I feel shaky and worried inside. I don't smother them but they know that I am always here for them and that I stand between them and a world that can sometimes seem a bit scary to a child.

I always try to look ahead and help make their lives a bit easier i.e. a few months before DD went up to secondary school I changed my hours at work so I could take her to a club where she would meet other girls who were going to the same school.

I listen out for the little things they say which seem unimportant to an adult but are really important to them. So when they mention that everyone else is using a ^^& book bag or school tights I get them for them. At their age it's so important to them to fit in and be like their friends. They can be independent free spirits when they're older.

I tell them every day that I love them and that they make me very happy

I had a truly terrible upbringing and becoming a parent to DD I often think how my parents could do that to 3 children. I can't stand either of them now, the need in me to break that cycle and provide DD with what a you've all experienced consumes me; she's our whole world.

Thank you all for sharing - it gives me, someone with no idea, the knowledge to do something better for my beautiful little girl

"I agree with the actions people have mentioned, but along with that I think words are also important:

I'm the middle of a teenage, blazing row, she'd say "it doesn't matter what you say to me, I will always love you."

That's so true madamweasel. DD and I were arguing recently over usual teenage angst stuff and midway I just said to her 'You know, I don't know how to not love you' and it completely took the wind out of her sails (in a good way).

Like a previous poster I can only do the things that I strive for, that I think I may have missed out on growing up:

To be told you're loved no matter what
To be made proud of any achievement no matter how big or small
To apologise when you, the grown up, are in the wrong
Stick to your promises
To listen, really listen.
To laugh together and just accept, warts and all.

It's easy to say these things but in the day to day of life it can be hard. But sometimes, just sometimes, when me and DS are dancing and singing in the car to Bermuda triangle by Barry manilow I feel that we're doing okay. Long may it all continue. I'll certainly try my very best never to let him down.

My Mum has never once told me she loves me. And I can't remember the last time she cuddled me though we do kiss on meeting and saying goodbye.

But I have always felt very loved by her because she demonstrates that love in 100 little ways. If I admit I am feeling unwell she immediately offers to come over and cook a meal or collect our DCs from school. When I was a new Mum and constantly exhausted she would tell me to go for a siesta and would take care of DCs for a few hours and I would usually wake up to a home cooked dinner.

She shows practical love not hearts and roses love.

I know she speaks very highly of me to other people because they have told me. She recently told me that I was the best mother she knew and that meant the world to me because she isn't the sort to compliment casually.

acrossthepond, I know what you mean about losing the safe feeling when your dad had died and your mum had dementia. I felt the same when my mum was housebound and frail and my dad was gone many years. But I still had my mum. Its a whole different feeling of loss since she died, the void is just too huge to fill. When mum was here I often felt lonely, as I cared for her myself. But since she has died, I feel completely alone within myself. I love my kids totally and utterly, but I'm their safety net. Dh is brilliant but hes not my parents.

Is so different when they're actually gone, to me anyway.