If you felt loved by your mum please tell me why

So sorry to hear the awful stories from some of you. Makes me realise how lucky I am.

True to say it wasn't until I had my DC that I totally understood the wonder of my mum. She's patient, doesn't interfere, clearly enjoys all her children, never judges, loves us equally, is fab with all the GC and gives up her time to help out where needed without ever moaning. Growing up I had a very stable, comfortable, happy childhood and I feel that my parents gave me the confidence to do whatever I wanted. Their relationship is extremely loving and they are a rock solid team. They told me they didn't mind whatever I did and would support me in whatever I chose to do for my career. They also encouraged me to achieve and I still ask for their advice and value it.
Happy Mothers Day to you all.

Miscallaneous I feel exactly the same way when my mother tries to hug me. It's an impulse/natural reaction.

I love this thread. Reading your experiences makes me realise that I'm not doing bad at all with my own DD. I've been doing what I thought best, and your stories reinforce this.
Thank you.

My mother was the heart and my father the 'head' of the family. (Head in the logical sense- as my father often said my mother was in charge at home!)

She balanced love with firmness, that seemed to validate her love even more.
She trusted us always, even when she knew we were lying so we learned a lesson from betraying trust if someone who love you.
She was a beautiful, bright, a smart listener who loved herself as much as she loved our father and her children. This taught us confidence.
She kept the peace at home when things became tense or volatile. She liked to see us laugh and be happy. Exams and all that stuff was important but happiness, health and security trumped it all by a mile.

I felt her love most in times of hardship, when our family had tough times, emotionally or practically. She is the reason I hope there's a heaven, because she deseves everything and more that it may hold.

Thank you for the post op. I wonder how many others had tears while they were typing. A big hug to you and your family.

Annarose - I don't know why but your story ably the shock of it was so beautiful it made me cry

She was brave for me. And when I say that it sounds strange because everyone is entitled to their vulnerabilities, and she does have them, I see them now - as an adult. But as a child, I never questioned that I was safe in her hands. She too had a horrible childhood and was occasionally over-protective but the things I remember most are the times when has took me to day trips to places she had never been, on her own at 25 years old. My mum is my hero, she's amazing, she just always wanted the best for me, she was prepared to accept me for who I am (except for a little bit of nagging) I never felt that she doubted me

I've been on here gosh.. ten years now, and I can honestly say this is probably the most poignant, wonderful, moving thread that I can remember.

Thank you OP for starting it.

I lost my mum in my early 20s. There was a receptionist at ds's infant school and every time I ran in with the wrong book or the late school dinner money she said 'that's alright, love' or 'you don't need to worry about that, it's fine" it brought tears to my eyes. She must have thought I was crazy weepy lady but in her reassurances and calm she just captured the essence of my mum.

When I'm reading on alot of posts on this thread about mums hugging, cuddling, holding hands, snuggling up on the sofa etc... It sounds wonderful.

But if I try and put myself in their place I can't do it. I was never shown physical affection by my mother, and I would look with blank incomprehension when other children would be spontaneously hugged or sit on a parents lap, caress an arm on the way past, snuggle up in front of the tv etc. I desperately needed/ yearned for physical affection but I cannot remember yearning for my own mother to hug me.

If I was forced into hugging / being hugged by her (for show when she occasionally noticed that's what she was supposed to do in public), I would feel deeply uncomfortable, my stomach lurches, and I immediately tense up just imagining it. If I had to have physical contact with her like that, it wouldn't just be alien to me, but offensive to me. I hate to use the word but I'd feel almost violated in a way.

That's what happens when you are never shown affection and kindness, but anger and disappointment. I associate the maternal bond with intense emotions being directed at you: hate, disgust, blame, vitriol coming at you in waves. And on my part: hurt, shame, fear, lots of fear consume me.

That's how alien a hug is to me. I treasure cuddles with my little boy now, and am physically affectionate with other people, so it hasn't damaged me irrevocably, probably because I had an older sister who did hug me so I wasn't utterly deprived of physical contact.

But that's why the stories on this thread are so precious and really wonderful

I think catkitten was trying to contrast would should happen for everyone with what has happened to some. It does beggar belief that someone's mother wouldn't be delighted to hear from them.

Like bythepath I assumed everyone's parents were like mine. They're not in any way special - they just love me (well mum does). It's shocking how many on here didn't experience that simplest of relationships - mother and child - in a positive way. I can see some people have taken catkitten 's post to be unfeeling but she was probably typing too fast and trying to capture the sense I have, that this is all so simple and basic and ought to be a given for everyone.

As I've said upthread, I've nothing but admiration for my friend who has come through life with a toxic mother. Life is hard enough even when you grew up in a warm bath of parental love. When you didn't, it's even harder and I really am in awe of the anguish that's been experienced and the determination not to repeat the patterns.

It's such an eye opener for me, this thread. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like to cuddle up to a Mum on the sofa, to hear that Mums did that even when you weren't little (and you can't have been or you wouldn't have remembered it!) And even though I didn't experience that, I just love hearing about how it was for others, it sounds truly wonderful.

As much as it is bittersweet that I didn't have that as a child, I am proud of myself that I do have it with mine. Over Christmas when they were home we had 'film night' every night (lazy arses we were ), one DC on one side, the other on the other under a big furry throw cuddling up and it was wonderful.

I am sure the OP is taking a lot from this thread - I certainly am!

Well, I can only echo many other PPs - I can't really remember my mum ever saying I love you, but there has never been any doubt in my mind.

She's shown it almost everyday of my life by being there, being interested in me, what I do and what I say. By cooking me my favourite meals and cakes. By traipsing around the country taking me to swim meets. By cuddling me on the sofa whilst watching TV, reading me books, playing with me.

My mum had a difficult relationship with her own mother and was determined to have a better one with me. She definitely succeeded. After DH, she is the first person I call when I have good news and bad news. She has supported me through everything.

I work FT and my parents look after my DC. At first I was convinced that my DC would love my parents (especially my mum) more than me, because she is just so loving and always there. A real rock. I almost felt like we were in competition, but that she would win as (when they were tiny) she spent more hours a day with my DC than I did.

It came as a surprise (and a relief) to me that my DC adore their Grandma but I am clearly number 1

I try to be there for my DC. Listen to them. Pick them up when they cry. Play with them. Get down to their level (they're both under 4 so this involves lots of crawling on the floor!)

hmmm, well CatKit went to the trouble to copying someone else's painful experience they had posted about on this thread and then bang on about her wonderful contrasting experience with such glee.

Incredibly thoughtless, at very best. Just like the Mum of the poster she copied & pasted.

I doubt that Catkitten intended to come across as some people have taken her post. The OP asks tell me about your loving mums.

Catkitten gave her experience so that those of us who didn't have such great mums can understand how different great things may have felt.

Er Thanks Catkitten :D Feel much better now...

Spelling error: I meant 'privilege'

Err, Catkitten I think you forgot the bit where you say how privaledged / lucky / appreciative that you 'have the exact opposite experience with both your parents'?

Maybe you got caught up in the post but it sounds rather unpleasant to ignore what that means for the person you've compared yourself to?! So glad you've had 'the exact opposite' experience but spare a thought for those who haven't?

Especially as you end it by saying "No one ever loves you like your parents do. It's so unconditional."

You sound at best glib and unfeeling, at worst callous and gloating in the context of this thread - and I'm hoping that's not what you meant at all?!

Surely, what you mean is 'no one ever loved you like your parents do. For you it's so unconditional.'

The whole point of this thread is that for many people, their parents did not love them as they should, and it wasnt unconditional. And they are dealing with the fallout of that every moment of their lives.

Unconditional love is amazing, but it's only children who should take it for granted. To grow up believing that it's just how life is, to believe that being loved unconditionally is as normal as having air to breathe, and food to eat... Well that is a precious and beautiful thing. And how life should be, for children.

As an adult, to appreciate the beauty and strength of a parents love, is great. But you must understand how devastating it is not to have that, not to have grown up like that... And if you didn't reach that idea by yourself, reading this thread should have helped you understand it surely? Not to crash on at page 7 with ignorance still blissfully in tact?

Baffling and I hope it was an unfortuneately post that you didn't mean to come across like that...

Exactly ANewMein, I felt like this too. Alone, exposed and very unsafe.

"Often as a child I didn't feel safe. I often cried myself to sleep or felt seer panic or overwhelmed by sadness. I never felt there was anyone on my side"

I have tried and deleted a few attempts at explaining how great and supportive my parents are, I can't begin to explain how much they do for me without going on for ages but I know they love me, I have always known.

Naively when I was younger I assumed everyone's parents were like mine, that was until I met my husband. His mum just isn't interested in him, never has been. It is heartbreaking seeing him at 36 still searching/hoping for some vague flicker of interest but nothing.

If I can be anywhere near as good a parent to my 3 as mine are to me I will be happy.

wow

What empathy CatKitten.

If I ring my mum it goes "hello" (cheery voice). I say, "hi mum,it's me." And then hee voice changes to a flat "oh."

My experience is the exact opposite with both parents - my mother always is pleased to hear from me but especially my father. My father is always excited and pleased to see me. He loves it when I am visiting and I am in my 30!! I worry about him dying not least because I know I will never have anyone who is always as pleased to see me again in my life. No one ever loves you like your parents do. It's so unconditional.

Thank you Rousette. I really do feel lucky to have her in my life. She's far from perfect and we have the normal teen sulks and bickering occasionally. But she is smart and warm and very funny and just makes my day feel more sunny. She knows that I really like her as a person as well as loving her as my daughter.

Glittoris - what a wonderful thing to say that you feel so lucky to share your life with your DD. That's how I feel about mine too - it's an absolute privilege to be part of their lives.

I do have to keep thinking that times were very different when growing up - my DPs had a very victorian upbringing (I'm old and so were they!) and I think how they were brought up affected how they were with me. However, I used to have this resentment and think "well, I broke the cycle, why couldn't they?" but therein lies the path to madness! There was some peace for me a day before my Mum passed away when I held her and I did feel she wanted me to be there and it was such a charged moment that made up for a lot.

And I love cossetting my grown up DC's and most of the time they love it, especially the eldest who reverts back to a bit of a baby and wants me to stroke her ear as it's what I used to do when she was lickle

Well.
I read this thread yesterday and could not post through the tears

What lovely stories - and such harrowing, sad ones too. I admire the strength and insight with which so many of you with difficult and damaging childhoods have written about what you are doing to not let history repeat itself

I never considered my childhood in any way privileged until I started working and had more and more contact with people (adults and children) in very difficult circumstances.

That helped me realise how golden my upbringing had been.

I was never in any doubt that both my parents loved me - in my first language (German) 'I love you' is really only used in the romantic sense and a somewhat different phrase is used between parents ('Ich hab Dich lieb'). That was said from time to time, but I don't think that the verbal expression is in any way crucial.
It was feeling valued, having my opinions listened to (as I grew older, lively debate was encouraged around the dinner table), consistency (there were rules and there were consequences if they were broken, but things were fair), encouragement and lots of laughter and fun.

Of course my mother was/is not perfect. Just like I am not. And like my darling offspring are not perfect. Or 'special' - they are The Most Special Thing to me, but it is very important to me to install a sense of 'greater good' and general kindness particularly towards those 'weaker' than them (the 'weakness' could be physical or emotional or social or whatever).

OP, you will be just fine. Your DCs are lucky to have you as their mother