Overheard on the bus

Today, two middle to old age men walking to catch their transport:

• Today is Wednesday. I hope there's some sex today. I'll see how she feels when I get home. I hope she does, because otherwise I may need to find...

On a bus from the West End to Camden Town just before Xmas, 2 men having a conversation. One was a bit rough, I guess you'd say, the other was quite posh. It transpired over the course of the conversation that they lived together, I think in some kind of hostel or other. They were discussing Xmas dinner.

Posh Man: "I say Dennis, shall we get a bird?"
Dennis: "What you mean a prostitute, like?".

I was laughing FOR WEEKS

I was once on the train and overheard two uni students catching up after the summer holidays.
A: Yes my brother has just got a job as a barrister, he's working up in London somewhere.
B: Oh wow, that sounds good. He must be being paid well.
A: Well I think he's reasonably happy because it's enough if he works long hours.
B: So how did he get the job? It must be very competitive.
A: I think he just applied on the Starbucks website or something. He said there were lots of people at the group interview.
[Long pause]
B: Wait do you mean barrister or barista?

Woman discussing her new boyfriend with her very sweet, elderly friend sat next to her on bus

"He may be younger than me but he's all man..."
( slight pause whilst waiting for implication to dawn on friend. Rest of bus passengers now all aquiver with interest)
"Dan the man I call him! Ha ha." (Another pause) Coz he's all man....and he's called Dan..."

Priceless.

I was on the bus and the phone belonging to a woman sitting a few seats in front of me started to ring. She answered it...

"Hello? (Pause) Oh it's you! It came up anominous. Yeah, anominous."

My favourite overheard conversation was in a supermarket chiller aisle between two guys that worked there. Well, I say overheard but actually it was bellowed over my head as I was standing between them at the time...

"I fucking 'ate working in the milk aisle." Said one.
"Yeah, it's shit innit." Said the other.

Woman with friend checks her phone for a message.
"Oh, it's X, he probably wants to make an appointment, I'll reply I'm in a meeting, which is true anyway"

This was overheard on the bus...

A young mum in the razor aisle in tesco picked up a pack of blades and exclaimed to her toddler, 'ten pounds! Blimey!' Then under her breath but audible to me: 'Ahh well, it'll have to be a hairy month' and put them back.

Hairy month...I know that feeling!

Bloody hell! .

TedAndLola my jaw just hit the floor!!! was that at night, in the dark or during daylight? I'm stunned at just how revolting and brazen some people can be!

It was about 5 years ago but if I remember rightly, it was about 8pm. The high street was still really busy, and they were standing right under an exterior light!

TedAndLola my jaw just hit the floor!!! was that at night, in the dark or during daylight? I'm stunned at just how revolting and brazen some people can be!

Sat on a train, opposite a small group of Deaf teenage boys returning to a local boarding school. They were having an animated conversation about which of their female friends was most shagable , most likely to and who might if given enough encouragement.
They also had no idea that dh and I could understand them.
Till they tried to annoy the ticket inspector by feigning non comprehension. At which point dh signed / interpreted. The boys conversation cleaned up a LOT after that.

I was on a bus which stopped just outside of a pub on a busy high street. A man was leaning on the pub wall with a woman crouched in front of him, sucking him off. No attempt whatsoever at trying to hide it. As he saw the bus pull up he unceremoniously shoved her away, zipped himself up and stumbled onto the bus. As the bus pulled away she shouted "CALL ME!".

Another time, witnessing a very upset teenage girl shouting at a boy. He was smirking and showing off to his mates. As she stormed off the bus he yelled "hey, bucket cunt! Come back!" at her.

This wasn't something I overheard, but something that probably perplexes another passenger to this day. When I was a teenager I had a pet snake, and one day took him on the bus to the vets (too young to drive). To keep him warm, I didn't take him in a box - I put him inside my top next to my skin and zipped up a fairly tight hoodie to stop him falling out. He was less than 4ft long so it hardly made a bulge, and nobody would have noticed anything strange under my jumper.

Across the aisle was a young boy (8/9) sitting with his mum. When my snake popped his head out from my collar to have a look around, the little boy saw it. His eyes widened, he tugged on his mum's sleeve, and he said "mummy! that woman has a snake in her bra!". By the time his mum turned round, the snake had popped back into the warm. "DON'T BE STUPID" she snapped at him, and I stared out of the window and looked innocent...

I bet if he remembers that incident, he's half convinced himself he was imagining things.

In a supermarket buying a tin of Tuna, "we need to make sure that this is Tuna friendly".....

Thanks, thingamajig

Middle left , toffee. Don't worry, its just a colour.

Not on the bus, but someone once walked into my mums office and asked her (the boss) 'Sorry to bother you, but do you have any ox-blood shoe polish?'.

WTF?!

Teenagers on the train: "I thought Abu Dhabi was in Wales" "EVERYONE thinks that"!

Yesterday in a supermarket toilet...
Woman to child of about 3 years: "No! don't touch me, you've had your hands on the toilet seat!"
So, they come out of the cubicle, the child goes to the basin to wash her hands (good girl thinks I) and the mum protests! "no, don't do that" and she puts some anti bac onto childs hand, child then proceeds to try to put soap from dispenser into her hand as well and mum stops her, "no, just use that" really?!

Today on the street, a man shouts loudly on the phone.
Oh, crap, dude (equivalent), the oddest thing happened today. I left the bag with the money on the ferry seat.

Couldn't hear the rest. Don't know if it was 10s, 100s, 1000s(?). If it was drug money...
Oh the possibilities.

I was on a bus about 10 years ago, and a phone rings from the back. Man answers, and says "I'm on the bus" [pause] "Nowhere... I've been riding round all day. You bloody mother's chucked me out again".

Years ago I was in a club in Stirling when I heard two women having a really heated argument. Their language was appalling , they were really ripping into one another. There was a slight lull and one of them shouted

'Anyway, don't fucking talk tae me like that, I'm yer fucking maw'

I nearly passed out

Heard recently on the bus. 'I love me council ouse, got it in 1970 an I just love it'

Heard recently on the bus. 'I love me council ouse, got it in 1970 an I just love it'

Heard recently on the bus. 'I love me council ouse, got it in 1970 an I just love it'