Overheard on the bus

Loving these so here's my few:

Me and a colleague arrive up north and sat nab said we'd arrived at our destination. We were surrounded by fields and cows but def no hotel. So we phone and ask for any landmarks, the girl on the phone replies 'we are next to the building that was knocked down....' Later that evening having found the hotel, we were dat in the dining room, which was empty except for us and a father and young son. Waitress asks would we like anything else 'please can we have two cokes' yes she replies but I would go and ask at the bar as we are so busy......(must have been the same girl!)

In a and we with serious stomach pains, they ask to do a pregnancy test, at the same time they ask the same to the girl in the bed opposite. We do them, and they come back, hope mrs sunny you aren't pregnant' they then turn to the girl 'yes you are pregnant' and she burst into tears and shouts but you don't understand, I don't know who the father is' and precedes to say SEVEN boys names as possible fathers. Her poor parents just stood their with mouths open. (Unfortunately I was then discharged with a severe infection so didn't hear what happened next!)

@catnuzzle...
I'm new, and reading old classics threads because they're amazing and I'm home sick :-(
But I had to confess... my DH and I may be your emergency pizza couple - it's a pizza to freeze in case of 'can't be bothered to cook' emergencies, to prevent the purchase of emergency Chinese takeaway

these are brilliant

Over heard a American lady and her son who looked about 8/9 talking in the lochness souvenir shop

Boy - picks up a lochness condom

Boy - Mummy can I have this

Mum - No put that back right now

Boy - but mummy it says it raises the monster

Mum - I don't care now out that back it's for grown ups not little boys

Boy - but mummy that's not fair I want to raise the monster

By this time lady was going red and grabbed boy and shouted put it back

My and husband couldn't help but laugh

I used to work as a guard onboard trains... an early morning arrival into Liverpool Lime Street prompted a well to do passenger who had been on board since Durham to ask "where do I go for the tube?" .... she had mistaken Liverpool Lime Street for London Liverpool Street and was screwed! Cue a massive rant (from her) about how she was going to miss her 9.30 extreeeeeemly important business meeting.
I dont know how some people survive

Ive not got to the bottom of page 1 yet and I'm rendered insensible from laughter. Are any of you "going out on Boxing Day"? Stop it you're killing me here.😂

Builders outside yesterday were having an argument over whether "reindeers" exist or not.

Also one happened to me today. Was shopping for Christmas presents and as I was leaving the shop I was behind a little old lady who was talking very spiritedly. I assumed she was talking to herself (there was no one with her) until she stopped dead, turned around, clocked me and said in a really accusatory and affronted tone, "You are NOT my husband!" I was very tempted to look at her in shock and reply "You are NOT my wife!" but I resisted

This (most probably misremembered) was overheard by the actress Maureen Lipman in a posh restaurant.
Couple at neighbouring table were eating their meal in morose silence.
The wife sighs deeply.
Husband enquires if there is something wrong with her meal.

"No Geoffrey. It's not the Boeuf Bourguignon. It's the last 30 years... "

Overheard in the coop the other day
Middle aged Man (to woman of roughly the same age) We said you wouldn't do this in shops any more
I didn't see what it was she was doing but he wasn't happy 😊

I was standing at a bus stop quite late at night next to three teenagers, two boys and a girl. The girl was eating a boiled potato but it was a cold night and she fumbled and dropped it.
Looking round to one of the boys
"Mikey. Mikey I've dropped my potato"
Mickey didn't respond so she turned to the other boy
"Nazza I've dropped my potato. My potato Nazza"
*Nazza also ignored her so she stood up and wailed
"Why doesn't anyone care about my POTATOOOOOOOOOOO"

.

Right now, four young men talking about one of them spending the night at, presumably, a new girlfriend's:
You should talk before, so it's not awkward then.
It will happen.
Better take protection.
And shampoo. Just in case.

Bless them.

Another classic . My neighbour played in a quiz team with an alan dick and phillip brain. The quiz master thought they were taking the mick when they submitted their team sheet with a dick and p brain! Not an overheard but makes me laugh whenever i hear it.

The funniest i ever overheard was while queuing at parents evening. The people behind were chatting and one said " how is your arthuritus" (said as spelt) to which the other replied " oh it is much better now... the doctor gave me some of them inflammables" .
As we were waiting to see the special needs coordinator i could see where his son got it from!

Years ago, in a slightly hippy gift shop in Oxford, I'm looking at scarves (a weakness of mine) when two vair, vair posh ladies head past me towards the exit, one saying to the other, "Well, we'll just have to pin our hopes on the Russian Orthodox church sale".

Just bemused by what I have just heard:

Middle Ages woman: I wear medical crocs at home instead of slippers. Is that ok?
Elderly woman: yes that's fine.

?!?!

Overheard a bunch of 14/15 year old boys discussing the Brexit result

" we should just buy America?"
"Yeah I mean we did use to own it."
"I know, plus were the richest country in he world so not like we can't afford it."
"Saves Trump getting in."

Overheard on the maternity ward five years ago.

"I want to give him an English name"

Pause as woman flicked through Heat magazine with her friend.

"Leonardo's a nice name"

Overheard when I was walking to work last week.
Two women in their 40's coming towards me.
As the went past, Woman A to Woman B 'at least the Dementors didn't get me'

Wish I'd heard the rest of the conversation. I hope they don't get in trouble for talking in front of Muggles.

Two women overheard on a very hot and stuffy bus ride today.
1 - "God the day I've had, I need wine, dinner and a good seeing to in that order"
2 - "On a Tuesday?"
1 - "If you'd had the day I have believe me you would"
2 - "Mick plays pool on a Tuesday"

Actually making me lol.

There had been a burglary and a video player was stolen. Unfortunately there was a home made porn tape in the video player. This somehow did the rounds and was much talked about.

My friend's mum had heard some rumours and asked my friend what was on it. DF really didn't want to explain to her somewhat naïve mother but her mum went on and on. So DF explained there was one part where the woman masturbated with and aftershave bottle.

There was a sharp intake of breath and DF's mum said (read in a Welsh accent), "Duw, she must have a fanny like a bucket!"

Nooooo, that can't be them all!
I need more!

Overheard on the bus, as said bloke was picking his nose .
'Yeah I got a two pack, but they're too small. I can't be arsed to take 'em back though. They make me look ripped, but they chafe.'

Said bloke did not looked ripped, he probably would have ripped them though.