Overheard on the bus

At the (busy) bus stop the other day, one (slightly posh) man checking with another that he was at the right stop. I don't think they knew each other but they had a little chat, just exchanging small talk. Then posh chap turns round and comes out with "and don't some of the people on these buses smell?"

Cue everyone at the stop turning and glaring (he had a point though... )

I overheard a couple discussing what they were going to do that night.
Man: I can't wait to get you home and rip your clothes of!
Woman: behave! Someone will hear! (Blushing beautifully)
Man: after I've watched the footie and put the rubbish out and we've eaten and cleared up.
Woman: and to make it clear: your not ripping my clothes of thanks! I'll be taking them of and folding them!

Last of the great romantics?!

We were queueing to pay for our Christmas tree. Our queue shuffled past those decorative wooden letters you can buy. The lady behind us told the gentleman she was with that she was collecting them so she could spell 'Merry Christmas' she still needed to buy the letter 'e'. He sounded very puzzled as he replied 'but there is no 'e' in Merry Christmas'. Very strangely she seemed to agree with him.
Unfortunately dd and I were very rude as we couldn't contain our snorts of laughter.

A new neighbour moved in next to my parents. They invited her in and she was surprised by their wonderful view across the Bristol Channel, that her house doesn't have.

"What a wonderful view - Ireland is so clear"

"It is a great view - we love it. But it's Wales"

Train guard said on local train " the fat controller has neglected to fix the lift at central station" over the tannoy.

Ah, on the beach, there were two blokes who worked at the local hospital. It wasn't clear what they were there, but they were discussing a female med student/intern who was from a town further away (1-2 hours) whose mother drove her there every day and waited for her to drive her back home.
And it seems it was that same woman who had suggested giving a patient with anaphylactic shock an antibacterial topical cream. Because it killed the bacteria, you see?

I think easy jet flights must be the same the world over. We had one in 2010 when the stewards couldn't stop laughing en route to Cyprus announcing that "the couple in seats 11a and 15f have just joined the mile high club!". Thought they were joking but as we were sat at the back of the plane I asked them and they conformed it was true and that she was meeting her husband at paphos and he was meeting his wife.....they were all over each other at baggage reclaim!!

HalfSpamHalfBrisket either he made a habit of it or I was on the same flight as you

Overheard in the gym - "yeah, but he doesn't think you're a prozzie or anything" when two regulars were discussing their night out...

I take a bus or tram to work that are often packed with tourists.

Once, there was a group of British tourists debating where the stop for the trains was. I didn't want to intrude (or show I was eavesdropping. ahem) but did tell them it was here when we got to the stop they wanted. They looked very surprised and someone muttered Oh, you heard us.
Yes, because no one else outside of Britain can understand Brits unless they speak very slowly and loudly.
And they looking around appearing lost didn't attract attention at all.

The other time, was not actually eavesdropping, but I got in a fully packed tram that was terminating at the next stop, which was fine to me. The driver kept informing passengers, but about 95% were foreigners and stayed put. So, I turn to the group next to me and inform them in French that they should switch to the tram just behind. Next thing the tram got empty bar me and two passengers with a child (who also turned out to be foreign but didn't follow all the others like sheep, or deaf).
I felt like David Copperfield. :)

Not on the bus, but my funniest stranger moment of the year happened yesterday in John Lewis.

Me and my daughter heard something smash to the ground, we looked over and saw the culprits - two big middle-aged men chuckling and deciding between them who had broken the Christmas decoration. Then we heard lots of pathetic apologies to the John Lewis staff.

We tried to stop eavesdropping but as they walked away my daugther pointed accusingly at one of them and shouted "YOU SMASHED IT" for the whole shop to hear. His reply was "Who me??? ha ha ha ha". Everyone went away laughing.

A few months I was sat on the bus with two students from the local sixth form college behind me.

One of the students was moaning about how one of his tutors had had a go at him for not doing his homework. I can't remember everything he said but it ended in...

"Of course I didn't do my homework, my dad never did his homework. It's genetic isn't it."

Lweji You just reminded me I was on the park and ride bus into town, which stops at about 4 stops on the way. As we pulled out of the car park, one announces that she had left all her paperwork she needed in the car, they then all had a long discussion about what she should do. It seemed she was on her way to an employment disciplinary hearing or tribunal. She kept saying that she would get off the bus, go back to the car, get the papers and go back into town, and she just about had time,but she couldn't believe she had forgotten the papers and how awful it was. Except she never bloody did, she just sat on the bus for half an hour talking about the fact she was going to get off and how she was running out of time. I was very close to telling her to get off the bus myself to get her papers. She was still on it when I got off in town

My father has told this one for years, he was in a hotel for work and there was a table of ladies of a certain age next to him. He wasnt eavesdropping until he heard lots of shocked laughter and "NO!!!!!!" sort of reactions. Pricking up his ears he heard "I said to him, I hope your not planning on putting that back in the fridge when you've taken it out!".

He spent the rest of the meal trying to work out what they were talking about but had clearly missed the pertinent part of the conversation, but tbh I dont think reality can be any worse than our imaginations regarding what and where "it" was :o

Years ago, one small girl talking earnestly to another: "he wants to be my boyfriend but I'll never marry him because he stinks of cucumber".

Recently on the bus, I overheard a conversation between a man and his wife.
Apparently, she had left her purse with ID at home, after he had told her several times to take the ID with her. It seems that she had taken it, but then for some reason they went back home in the middle of the day and she then forgot the purse. They were going to sign the contract on a house and had the mortgage calculated to start that day and so on. Mind you this is not UK and for signing the contract you have to book a very expensive legal person.
They went on about him signing and she signing it another time, or using photocopies. And him blaming her (quite rightly).
I restrained myself from screaming at them to fucking get out, take a taxi home, then to the place and sign the bloody papers already.

Half I think we had the same flight attendant! He got very arsey, abd quite properly so, with a 'man at he back' who insisted on getting up to get his overhaed luggage while the plane had only just touched down and was taxiing: "You, sir. Yes, man-at-back! Sit down or we'll be having you clean toilets in my pink Marigolds!"

Readers, he sat down!

I heard one yesterday: parents and two children aged about 8 and 12. We were all looking at a nativity scene in a neighbouring village, with four lovely live sheep, 3 white, 1 black, very friendly. Up pipes dad: "Ooh, Jordi [we're foreign] look at those goats".

GOATS? GOATS? I had to look and check he wasn't George Bush Jnr. i swear I could see the three nearest sheep roll their eyes at his stupidity

An extremely heavily pregnant lady and her husband getting onto the bus in front of us. The lady struggled slightly getting up the step and her husband put a hand on her back to steady her:
"Oh for fuck's sake, Steve, I'm pregnant not paralysed!"

I always tell this one. Two elderly ladies in the fruit and veg aisle (the location is key):

Lady 1: That's a strange place to put the tomatoes.

Lady 2: Yes it is isn't it?

Huh?

Two exceedingly well dressed women on an escalator in Selfridges, Oxford Street... 'Which dress?' 'You know, them what they never 'ad the size of.' DM (long dead) and I (both vair, vair well spoken, RP etc) just roared!!

Another Tube driver:

Sorry about the delay, people, I know you all want to get home, except the chap who married my ex-wife, and he wants to spend the rest of his life on the trains like the Flying Dutchman.

Two teen girls on their way home from school...
TG1 - So what did you do in science?
TG2 - We had to dissect a fish.
TG1 - (obviously disgusted) Ewww, gutted!

I nearly peed myself trying not to laugh out loud.

TheQuibbler reminded me of one too.
Years ago, on a flight, pilot to passengers:
'Please use the overhead lockers to stow all bags, coats and light sabres.'

We had just watched carmina burana at the Birmingham ( very rousing) and a very posh lady declared- I've got to go home and have sex! Her hubby looked a bit .

I asked an elderly retired publican how he was doing last night as I knew he'd had some health problems this year:
"Oh, mustn't grumble - still above ground"