Overheard on the bus

I was on my lunch break in the town centre and a woman walked past on her mobile phone - I heard "And I'd just had enough. And I said to him, Do you know what, Colin?"
I wanted the follow her to find out what she said to Colin

Just remembered something I overheard in the ward whilst waiting for DD to make an appearance.

A woman had been making a lot of fuss for hours but midwives kept telling her she wasn't in labour or anywhere close (I was being induced and it was taking hours do't know why she was there)

She started swearing and screaming at a midwife who firmly and quite loudly told her:

"Now listen Madam I do not come to work to be sworn at except by ladies in labour and you are not in labour and right now you are not behaving like a lady either".

Stunned silence ensued!

2 girls were sitting behind me on bus - probably 13 or 14.

Girl 1: My mum's pregnant
Girl 2: That's great, does she know?
Girl 1: Not sure
Girl 2: how do you know then?
Girl 1: she told me last night

Sitting in a restaurant with dh years ago. Elderly well-to-do couple at the next table. Old lady continuously complaining. Running litany of moaning about the service, the food, the fact that the poor waitress had forgotten the veg - she hadn't, she just couldn't carry all the plates at once. Dh and I rolled our eyes at all the whinging. Old man hadn't said a word.

Then she lifted her glass and said 'anyway cheers, happy birthday'.

Poor old chap. We did feel sorry for him.

Our old neighbours were always waking the street up with ridiculous arguments at 2am. One night the shouting started so of course I had a listen. Evidently she had been up town drinking and lost her mates, and so called the boyfriend to collect her. But he hadn't come and she'd had to get a taxi home on her own. She was shouting at him that he wasn't a real man and she hated him and where had he been? He was quiet and she just went on and on and on at him. Then all of a sudden he screamed "I couldn't come because I HAD THE DIARRHOEA!!!" I shut the window and went back to bed after that bit.

A good few years ago I was on the train to work, it was really windy and gales around the country.
The train stopped mid journey and the driver announced that a trampoline had blown onto the track, over the tannoy he told us that he was going out to move it
"and if I don't come back it's because I'm having to much fun".

Cue a whole carriage full of previously grumpy commuters laughing and smiling.

FIL overheard in the Old Course clubhouse in St. Andrews :

Man 1: did you hear that X and Y are divorced now?
Man 2: oh yes, I heard she got the castle.

The CASTLE!!!

Marchhairy that made me laugh, I think I would be on the floor laughing if I ever heard someone say those words.

Just today heading in to Morrisons to stock up on booze bread and milk, DD and I encountered an angry woman heading out with her trolley shouting over her shoulder to her DH/DP 'I've never met anyone as fucking IGNOROUS as you!'

It is mine and DD's new favourite word

On a very packed train coming into Manchester carriage was quite till a little boy at the back shouted
I love your bobbies mummy
My mummy has the best boobies they so soft and squishy
Mummy show your bobbies
I want your boobies

Poor mum was trying to keep son quiet by distracting him but it wasn't working
Dh and I were trying not to laugh dd 15 was mouthing wtf to me and omg

On leaving the train dd said I never having children and if I do I won't be taking them on a train

I just howled at "foof like the Blackwall Tower"

In a very run down old mans pub in a village- a couple were having a massive argument, they were both furious and the woman was crying, there was only them and us in the section of the pub.
After a bit The man jumped up and shouted 'I did not eat a whole frozen cauliflower' then stormed out.

I was with a friend on the bus standing next to a couple of younger girls they were having the funniest conversation.
Girl one: "my bits are hurting"
Girl two "have you been doing it all night again"
Girl one " no not its not my hole this time its up by my flaps"
I had to get off the bus 5 stops early as I was trying to suppress the laughter.

TEN METERS DILATED".

Imagines tiny baby walking out and looking around baffled.

I have shared this before. I was in asda when I overheard a lady on her mobile phone saying " he can't be your boyfriend he's your brother" ewwwww

I have just made a very odd noise at "foof like the Blackwall Tunnel".

I called our (external) IT support the other week. In the background one of the blokes was having a conversation about his morning trip to the gym.

"There he was stark bollock naked, leg up on the bench beside me. Might as well have dangled his balls over my shoulder!"

Quite hard to hold a conversation about how your laptop won't boot up with that going on in the background.

I absolutely love these.

Once at the theatre, just before the play started, a well-spoken woman loudly asked the usher "excuse me, where's the stage?". All the seats were facing it, it was completely bleeding obvious!

My favourite "overheard" anecdote comes from a friend having a long drawn out induction in King's ante-natal ward. As well as a drama in the next bed from the second "wife" of a muslim family having a baby and the first wife arriving (all a bit tetchy, apparently), there was a young girl shouting down the phone from behind a curtain "you better get down 'ere now, cos you're the farver, right, and I'm TEN METERS DILATED".

I once.got.stuck behind a.couple who had a very weird conversation. The gist of.it was that the womab felt she had rescued the man from a cold and wet sofa. They argued, and she told him he was a stupid bastard, before then standing up and te lling him he looked stupid, because only leprechauns wear green like him. I. nearly howled when he stood up clad entirely in different shades of green

I've also shared a bus with a girl who discharged herself after an overdose and respiratory arrest (stopped breathing). As she proudly told me. She kept.vomiting the whole.way home..

Walking through holborn early one summer evening, a very normal/ respectable looking couple crossed road in front of me. All i heard was woman to man, resigned voice, 'so now she just masturbates behind a glass screen'.
Years later i still wish I'd followed them to get the rest of that story. Although sounds like it had already reached its climax, haha.

Overheard - a lady with her daughter stop a waitress in M&S Cafe, absolutely heaving and really long queues - big xmas fayre event.
Lady: 'hi, I just want to pay for these sandwiches and order a drink' - ever so polite.
Waitress: 'Er, of course, if you'd just like to join one of the three queues, they'll help you' smiling
lady: ' but i just want to pay now, can't I just pay for them with you? (waitress)'
waitress: 'No, am sorry, am afraid you'll have to join a queue' (bewildered)
lady: 'But it's ridiculously long and I don't want to wait?'

Whilst I admire her honesty, I was laughing inside at the audacity and the poor waitress who was (whilst remaining polite) looking at her as if to say wtf?!?

I occasionally hear very drunk conversations when I go picking DP up from work.

One was a man telling his mate just how to pull.
"So if she says go back to hers, say yes, always say yes, but don't stay over, if you stay over that's when your wife finds out"

Drunk guy at the bar to his mates, pointing at the landlord and his group of friends...

"And anyway they're all homosexualphobes (they aren't gay, or homophobes, I'm not sure what he meant)... I'll take them all on"

He didn't, he saw me looking and ran away, clearly dead hard.

Drunk woman to her mate about me

"Which ones her boyfriend then?"
Her mate points. She looks disappointed and said
"But I've shagged the other ones dad!"

All said at top volume, much to the dismay of DPs colleague.

I keep snorting with laughter at these,,,DH is glaring at me..I can't think of any myself but please keep them coming