Overheard on the bus

I lived in Islington when I first worked in London, in the peak New Labour days when it was gentrifying rapidly. Two contrasting stories:

First on a No 73 bus, youngish besuited city type on phone to presumably his girlfriend:

"Pasta, yes, that would be lovely, can you also pick up a ciabatta?(pronounced the proper Italian way).

Long pause.

"you know, the Italian bread?"

Longer pause. His face falls.

"Yes, the sigh- a - batta. See you later."

All his upwardly mobile Islington cred gone in an instant. I suspect that relationship didn't last.

Second one on a snowy day, Mum on the front step shouting over to her children who are playing in the garden square:

"Oh, Hugo, Charlotte, what a LOVELY snowman you've made darlings. Hold on a moment, just let me get you some black olives for his eyes"

In Adams children's shop one day years ago.
Mum - try on the gym shoes
Small boy - NO!
Mum - try them on now
Small boy - NO!
Mum - try them on now or you are not getting a sausage roll from Greggs
Small boy - ALRIGHT THEN!

I hadn't even heard of Mumsnet then

Used to do a bit of waitressing (is that even a word?) Leaned in to ask if the meal was alright and one woman to the other said,

'And I told him, I did. Anything going through my anal sphincter is only going one way'.

I quietly withdrew so I could PMSL in the kitchen!

Years ago on the late night bus back from Birmingham City centre to the 'burbs. 2 girls, thick Brummie accents sat behind me. One was relating, at length, about the argument she'd had with her boyfriend, ending with "and then he said I was nothing more than a common slag!" "Well, that was that! Oi may be rough, but oi'm not common!!!"

More genteel. Was in Harrogate walking behind two elderly ladies going to an antiques market. One wanted to look for a present for a mutual friend who was getting remarried (think Last Tango). Her friend had already bought a gift."I came here last week and found just the perfect present. You know Margaret, she only likes really simple elegant things, nothing fancy.So I bought her a butter curler. A plain and simple silver butter curler"

Place marking as I don't have time to read them all now, but the first 2 pages are fab.

Keep them coming. Really enjoying the read.

Thank you for this thread!

I was in a queue in a shop behind two teenage lads, next to us was a stand of E- cigarettes. One lad says " you should get one ov dem mate and quit smoking" the other said "yeah they are alright.. but you can't put em in a joint can ya?"

In McDonalds,

Very pregnant young woman to her partner,

"If yer nae giein mi a fag, yer nae gettin ony o mi milkshake!"

Made my day

Overheard on Christmas Eve outside our local butchers. Woman comes out of shop and waves the receipt in her partners face whilst shouting..."look at the fucking price of that. Next year you're getting fucking chicken"

Dd was on the bus just before Christmas and heard a little girl tell her mum that someone at school had told her Father Christmas wasn't real. "Is he real Mummy?"
Dd said the whole bus fell silent waiting for the poor mum's reply!

Walking through the market, mum infront of me points at something to her DS and says "look darling, there's a piggie".
Look round to see what she's pointing at as clearly we're not at a farm, and it's the butcher's stall, with a pig's carcass hanging from the frame.

I was once walking up an alley next to a field and close to a fairly busy road.
I noticed a horse had somehow managed to get out of the field. I was worried that it may have got onto the roadand caused an accident so I phoned 101 and reported it. They asked me to stay put and said they would send someone. A policeman turned up quite quickly and the conversation went
Officer - are you the lady who reported the chicken.

Me no I reported a horse. (Points at horse)

Officer - my operators aid it was a chicken

Me - well it's a horse

Officer - maybe you said foal and they heard fowl

Me- no I said its a horse

Officer - are you sure you didn't say foal

Me (getting slightly exasperated) no, I definitely said it was a horse

Officer - well I'm going to need help aren't I.

At which point I left him to it.

There was a thread like this ages ago, and I still start sniggering when I remember someone's post about overhearing a man on a bus in Glasgow (iirc) describing his girlfriend's pubes.
Apparently she had ginger hair and had had a pubic wax, the result looked like a fishfinger :o

If the poster of that is still here, please come and tell the story properly!

This thread is great!

working overtime one weekend, hardly anyone in the office. was just packing up when I heard a conversation between two colleagues in a different department.

1 (approx 50s): do you watch I'm a celeb last night?
2 (early to mid 20s, generally quite miserable, no oil painting) no, I don't watch it, it brings back painful memories

I had actually logged off and hand was ready to go, but sat back down and pretended to type for a bit at this point

2: When I was at uni I went out with Matt from busted and how wife is a presenter on it. He left me for her, so it hurts too much to watch it. You won't see any pictures of us together though, my mum shielded me from all that.

I'm sure she elaborated some more, but it was years ago and I'd forgotten until now.

Colleague 1 clearly had no idea who he was, I as sat there and colleague 2 became known to me as glad I crashed the wedding.

I have loads more, but they're conversations I'm part of rather than over heard

Have told this one on MN but still find it so hilarious. It's an overheard phone conversation:

"Mate, I reckon you need to bum at least 2 more blokes before you're gay"

I so wanted to hear the other side of that conversation!!

Man in a fabric shop to his fiancée in an irate voice: why am I the only one concerned that bridesmaids in purple will clash with the red Carpet in the venue.

He was being a complete arse at the time and I just wanted to scream run for the hills at her

After a bit The man jumped up and shouted 'I did not eat a whole frozen cauliflower' then stormed out.

Where to start with this?! :o love it!

Ahh, lemon mousse. DH and I were once in a pub when the woman on the next table called her husband an "Igmoramius baaaastard". He had the audacity to ask what she said and she sounded it out for him like this "IG.MOR.A.ME.US", look it up in a fucking dictionary! We were crying with laughter. 10 years on we use the term "igmoramius baaastard"...

I heard this over the tannoy at Kilburn tube station one night having caught the last tube home:

"The last train from this station has now left and this station is now closed... please leave the station. This station has now closed... please leave the station... [beautifully-timed pause] Release the dogs!"

And on passing a car with the window open the male driver I overhear him say something like "stupid bitch" in an angry voice.
As it clearly wasn't to me, I almost doubled back and asked if that was aimed at the woman sitting with him and, if so, that she should leave the bastard.

I ordered food at the bar for two of our elderly volunteers who arrived late for our meal out. They wanted the liver that was on the menu.

The food arrived and the waitress was holding it out saying "Two medium lamb's liver?" I heard the two ladies saying "Not ours, we wanted normal liver!"

Three young men at the local sushi buffet last night.

When we sat at the table they were talking about...
football.... no
cars... no
girls... no
drinking...no

Recipes and Béchamel sauce. I almost fainted.

It later turned into wild nights, girls and spending £1000 in one night (sadly I couldn't figure out if it was in drinks or girls as I had failed to eavesdrop the previous part) and some famous person giving lifts. Must train my ears better.